Day 272 - 4evermore

I love this song.  My mom loves this song. I don't know anyone who's heard it and doesn't like it.  It's a beautiful song about two people in love... 4evermore.
"4evermore. Forever's a mighty long time, but I really wanna spend it with you. I shine when you shine, and there's really no substitute."  The chorus is a simple confession that, while forever is a very long time, the pair in the song have no desire to spend it with anyone but the one they love.  That speaks to a deep love and commitment, because they are willing to stick with someone for an immeasurable amount of time, considering forever never ends.  This is because they feel that when their lover shines, they do too, and there's nothing like being so connected to someone that the things that touch them touch you too.
"Take a picture, I want you to remember when I professed my love. Press the button, I hope it's still recording every word I'm saying to you. I'm telling you right now from this day on I've already weighed up the pros and cons - telling you you're just the woman I want, I want, I want. Making my plans just to be with you. Just you and me babe, till the days are through. And I ain't ashamed love, to say I do, I do."  This man has decided to profess his love for his girl, and he wants her to cherish the moment for life.  He even wants to record it so that the words can be captured for all time.  He's thought about it, weighed the options, spent time with it, and he realizes that she is the one for him.  He is making plans for a forever-type of love investment, and he even implies that there will be an "I do" moment so that others can share in and witness their love.  He wants the world to know that she is his.
"Pick a tree to carve our names - let the world know it's not a game. Last longer than a wedding ring, generations tattooed with the love we bring. From the seeds we sow to the time it takes to grow - long enough to show you I won't let go of you. Cuz without you I'm incomplete like this love song without this beat. I'm saying that you are the man I need, I need, I need."  Taking it back to younger days of carving a tree with initials or scribbling names in a heart on your notebook in class, she too wants the world to know of the love that they have.  While a wedding ring can show a sign of commitment, she says that what they have goes even beyond that.  She says that generations will be impacted because of what they have.  The seeds of love that they plant now will bring life and love for time to come, growing positive fruit for others, possibly to include the children that may come from their union.  She has no desire to let him go, feeling that he brings a sense of completion to her life, like the beat makes the song she's singing complete.  For her, he is the man she needs, and she is sticking with him.  While I'm not much on the idea of someone completing someone else (I feel like we should be complete in and of ourselves and let someone else complement us), I do understand the feeling that without the one you love in your life, something would be missing. 
"Take a picture off the wall, try to reframe it. Take all the color off, try to repaint it. If you want picture perfect, well we ain't it, because we painted our own portrait of me and you that could never be tainted, because real love embodies are colors of the spectrum. Mix a few greens with your reds and your blues, create some new views, then you rehang it. Start over, even though your friends gon' doubt you, and all them other niggas trying to scout you. It gets so tiring but I'd be lying if I said that I'd be better off without you. And when I think of walking out, you smile in a way that make me feel like I'd be lost without you. Me and you are the only threats to us, till death do us I'm standing next to you."  Relationships are beautiful pictures that are painted by two people, and they can mix the moods and affections and make it how they want.  It may not look like the "standard," but that's the beauty of art - it is for those who create it and those who can appreciate it.  So while friends may question, other people may try to enter the picture, or times may get tough, he doesn't feel like he'd be better off without the love in his life.  Even when he tries to leave, there is something in her smile that pulls him back.  No one can get in the way of their love unless they allow it, so they will be together forever.

Day 271 - Exhale

For some reason, I started thinking about the movie “Waiting to Exhale” today, and I began to wonder about what it means to exhale. And why are people waiting to do it? I watched a few clips from the movie, and I was quickly reminded of the plot and relational struggles of the main characters. The women in the movie were searching for a relationship in which they could feel loved and fulfilled, but they all dealt with unfortunate circumstances which made it hard to really believe in love and the possibility of anything resembling a “happily ever after.” Like the women in this movie, I believe that most people who have encountered any sort of romantic relationship are doing the same thing – holding their breath. They enter into relationships and romantic situations holding back much of who they are and what is close to them. This is because they have been hurt before and refuse to trust themselves to people and/or circumstances that will do the same again. As the saying goes, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” So people look at love as something of a foe to be subdued and worked into submission, working hard not to be outsmarted or harmed by love as they traverse the dating scene. Relaxation and comfort aren’t typically things that are associated with love because of the trials that most people endure in the name of love. Hence why the world is full of people waiting to exhale. We meet person after person, checking things off of an imaginary (or real) checklist, sometimes comparing them with an ex or ideal mate, ever carefully guarding their innermost parts as we try to find a space of love that will suit our needs and maybe some of our wants. Masks are carefully put in place, words are measured, outfits are ironed and on point, all while holding their breath, not letting too much go. We are terrified beyond belief to be open and exposed and vulnerable, because it is in that place that we can experience the greatest pain. If someone rejects an image that we portray, that’s one thing, but if someone rejects who we are at our core…. Life may as well be over – it’s like saying that who we are isn’t good enough. And Heaven forbid we give our heart to someone and they betray us via lies, infidelity, abuse, etc. This can destroy our desire and willingness to trust, which means that we have in essence taken out our lungs and given up our desire for air. But what happens when we take the risk of breathing? What happens when we find a situation and decide to trust the waters and jump in deep? What happens when we have prayed and discerned and decide to go for it? What does exhaling feel like? Well, take a deep breath and hold it for as long as you can. Eventually, you are gonna have to breathe. And your lungs will burn for that fresh air. You will experience great relief and refreshing as the air enters your lungs and the cycle of breathing resumes. Exhaling feels great, especially when you can breathe in deeply and release again. Finding real love and allowing yourself to rest in it is like exhaling after you’ve been holding your breath for a long time. Your entire body relaxes and begins to be refreshed by the life-giving love that is now able to flow through your veins, providing strength and nutrients. When you are not so busy guarding yourself that you allow love to enter, you may find yourself breathing a contented sigh of relief. How do you know when the relational situation you’ve found will be one that allows you to exhale? If you sit still long enough and let your heart speak, I believe you will feel something and you will just know. I read a tweet today that said, “My head screamed no. My heart whispered yes. Reality told me not to, but hope told me to give it a shot.” Sometimes things don’t look ideal and you feel like this might be a bad idea, but that may be the very place where you find your next breath. So trust your heart – it knows more than you think. And don’t let fear keep you from breathing when you find a promising situation. Even if it's not meant to be forever, the healing you experience from that breath could do you a world of good. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Day 270 - Love You Past Your Pain

Love You Past Your Pain In recent days, I have had multiple conversations with friends who are currently dealing with similar situations. Each of them are in relationships (ranging from “talking” to boyfriend/girlfriend to engaged), and they are dealing with the stuff of relationships. The people who they are in relationship with are all dealing in major ways with some past issues that are having some effects on the relationships that they share with my friends now. This is not to say that they don’t have their own issues and things to deal with, because they do. We all do. But in the circumstances that I am talking to my friends about, the things that people are dealing with are causing some major ripples, moods, actions, and other things that bring a good bit of concern to my friends as it relates to being in relationship. As I was pondering this, I thought about some of the bigger implications of what they are dealing with. Once again, as I look at the media and its typical portrayal of relationships, I find it very lacking in comparison to real life. In movies, people may have a quirk or two, most of which are solvable in broad strokes over a two-hour time span, but in real life, people have deep scars, wounds, misconceptions, and expectations that can make love and relationship extremely difficult. In talking to one of my friends about her situation, she used a phrase a few times that stuck out to me – “loving him past his pain.” Let’s ponder that phrase for a moment…. What does it mean to love someone past their pain? What does it mean to look at someone and see the scars of a broken heart, the residue of childhood trauma, the traces of bad decisions, and still decide to love them in the midst of it? To some degree, all love requires us to love people who are hurting, because we are all hurting in some way. Love and relationship in general are not simple ventures for the faint of heart under the best of circumstances, but when you add things like that to the equation, it can test even the strongest person and cause some head-scratching as to whether this is doable or even worth the effort. It is one thing to be friends with someone who is dealing with things and learning to grow through them, but when you feel called to be attached on the level of romantic relationship, it can bring a different level of sensitivity that makes it harder to deal with. Not only is it hard to see someone we love dealing with those scars or going through the difficult process of healing, but it is that much harder to live with their (usually unintentional) actions as a result of what they have experienced. For example, if someone is used to being yelled at or spoken to harshly, even if they are typically a laid-back person, they may internalize that and begin yelling at a future partner. Now, this may “work” if their new partner is also someone who yells, but if they are now dealing with someone who doesn’t yell or who has issues with yelling because of her/his past, then it will cause hurt and conflict. People’s pain often causes them to act up and act out. And if fear is anywhere a part of the equation, it will most likely cause the person to act in a way that will make their fear come true. If the person is afraid of being rejected, they will often act in ways that they perceive will help them avoid rejection. Yet, in being inauthentic, they are rejecting themselves and a lack of self-love and self-confidence will cause behaviors (like clinginess, paranoia, arrogance, coldness, etc) that will most likely lead to them being rejected. One of my friends is dealing with her boo “testing her.” Because he is used to being abandoned, he seems to be intentionally trying to push her away to see if she will love him and stay and fight for what they have or whether she will leave when he is less than 100% awesome and when times get tough (as others have). While it is understandable that he is concerned as to whether she will be willing and able to hang in there and really love him, this kind of treatment can cause even the most loving, loyal person to want to leave, especially depending on what the pushing looks like. This pushing can look like anything from flirting with other people to isolating yourself to intentionally picking with them and so much more. Having dealt with interesting relationships myself in the past and seeing my friends’ situations now, I have come to the conclusion that what we tend to expect and set in our minds as the way a relationship should go do not tend to be how things actually happen in real life. While we may say, “I will never deal with that” or “I will leave if they ever do XYZ,” it is not until we get into a situation where hearts are involved that we can say what we will or will not do. In no way am I advocating that you stay in an abusive relationship – verbal, emotional, mental, sexual, physical, etc. But what I am saying is that there are certain things that love will create the patience for you to deal with, because they are not deal-breakers. Love will look at the action (the pushing away) and see the hurt behind it. Then love, in its tender care for the heart and the hurt behind the action, will stand and fight for the person it loves. I’m not saying that this will be easy, because I know that it is not. It’s hard as hell to love someone who is being less than loving back at times. There will be times that it will hurt to love them because of something they say or do, and you will wonder why you allow yourself to put up with it. But I came across a quotation the other day that said that people need love the most when it seems like they deserve it the least. And you should also remember that at some point, you were probably the recipient of this healing love and patience, so do not be afraid to give it when the opportunity presents itself. This is not to say that you try to save everyone or enter into relationship (esp. romantic) with everybody who is hurting, but when you know in your heart of hearts that there is beauty and potential in what is shared, then you will find the strength and learn to love someone past their pain. Remember to be patient – wounds do not heal overnight. You may have to watch them go through some tough spots and deal with situations and pains that you wish you could protect them from, but in those moments, your care and support will be invaluable, even if they do not express it. What they most likely want/need to see is that you will be there for them and love them as others have not, even if they can’t/won’t articulate that to you. Once again, this will likely be one of the hardest things you will have to do in your life. Loving someone when they are dealing with some major issues (and likely unable to show you reciprocal love) will test your resolve, your strength, your capacity for trust, your need for security in a relationship, and your love. You may question their love, your own sanity for dealing with such, whether you can do what it takes, whether you even want to, and so much more. But if you persist, trusting Love to guide you as you act as an agent of Love to show love in its truest, deepest form – that which is freely given without expecting love in return, loving for the sake of loving – then you may just be rewarded with a relationship that will blow your mind. On the other side, there is major potential once the healing has occurred. And the funny thing about helping someone else to heal is that it tends to heal you as well. Of course, do remember to get poured back into by others in this time when you are giving so much to someone else. You can’t give to anyone if you are empty yourself. Pray, spend time with friends, relax, and keep yourself refreshed. So, love with all your might. This will bring a depth of love to you that you never knew and create a space of healing for the other person that will allow them to love in ways that they never expected and that can deepen your relationship.

Day 269 - Angelique Lynch

Another of the beautiful people I know is Angelique Lynch.  I met her in Black Voices Gospel Choir at the University of Virginia.  The first time I saw her, she was in the alto section helping teach the part.  Of course, I was initially confused when she had changed clothes and was also leading the song.  It took me a few moments to realize that she had an identical twin.  But it didn’t take long for “the twins” to become 2 separate people in my mind, despite their strong similarities.

Angelique, whose name also reflects her personality, is something of an angel.  She has a grace and a child-like presence to her that is warm and inviting.  There were many moments during our time together at UVA that I wanted nothing more than to curl up near her and just be (and most of the time, she would let me).  While she has a passion and a fire that can make her strong in her own right, her power lies in the fact that she is a sweet, protective woman, personifying the traits of a loving guardian angel.  I have seen her grow and change as we have known each other, but what remains is her heart for others.

So, happy birthday, Angelique.  I love you, and thanks for being beautiful you.