Day 270 - Love You Past Your Pain

Love You Past Your Pain In recent days, I have had multiple conversations with friends who are currently dealing with similar situations. Each of them are in relationships (ranging from “talking” to boyfriend/girlfriend to engaged), and they are dealing with the stuff of relationships. The people who they are in relationship with are all dealing in major ways with some past issues that are having some effects on the relationships that they share with my friends now. This is not to say that they don’t have their own issues and things to deal with, because they do. We all do. But in the circumstances that I am talking to my friends about, the things that people are dealing with are causing some major ripples, moods, actions, and other things that bring a good bit of concern to my friends as it relates to being in relationship. As I was pondering this, I thought about some of the bigger implications of what they are dealing with. Once again, as I look at the media and its typical portrayal of relationships, I find it very lacking in comparison to real life. In movies, people may have a quirk or two, most of which are solvable in broad strokes over a two-hour time span, but in real life, people have deep scars, wounds, misconceptions, and expectations that can make love and relationship extremely difficult. In talking to one of my friends about her situation, she used a phrase a few times that stuck out to me – “loving him past his pain.” Let’s ponder that phrase for a moment…. What does it mean to love someone past their pain? What does it mean to look at someone and see the scars of a broken heart, the residue of childhood trauma, the traces of bad decisions, and still decide to love them in the midst of it? To some degree, all love requires us to love people who are hurting, because we are all hurting in some way. Love and relationship in general are not simple ventures for the faint of heart under the best of circumstances, but when you add things like that to the equation, it can test even the strongest person and cause some head-scratching as to whether this is doable or even worth the effort. It is one thing to be friends with someone who is dealing with things and learning to grow through them, but when you feel called to be attached on the level of romantic relationship, it can bring a different level of sensitivity that makes it harder to deal with. Not only is it hard to see someone we love dealing with those scars or going through the difficult process of healing, but it is that much harder to live with their (usually unintentional) actions as a result of what they have experienced. For example, if someone is used to being yelled at or spoken to harshly, even if they are typically a laid-back person, they may internalize that and begin yelling at a future partner. Now, this may “work” if their new partner is also someone who yells, but if they are now dealing with someone who doesn’t yell or who has issues with yelling because of her/his past, then it will cause hurt and conflict. People’s pain often causes them to act up and act out. And if fear is anywhere a part of the equation, it will most likely cause the person to act in a way that will make their fear come true. If the person is afraid of being rejected, they will often act in ways that they perceive will help them avoid rejection. Yet, in being inauthentic, they are rejecting themselves and a lack of self-love and self-confidence will cause behaviors (like clinginess, paranoia, arrogance, coldness, etc) that will most likely lead to them being rejected. One of my friends is dealing with her boo “testing her.” Because he is used to being abandoned, he seems to be intentionally trying to push her away to see if she will love him and stay and fight for what they have or whether she will leave when he is less than 100% awesome and when times get tough (as others have). While it is understandable that he is concerned as to whether she will be willing and able to hang in there and really love him, this kind of treatment can cause even the most loving, loyal person to want to leave, especially depending on what the pushing looks like. This pushing can look like anything from flirting with other people to isolating yourself to intentionally picking with them and so much more. Having dealt with interesting relationships myself in the past and seeing my friends’ situations now, I have come to the conclusion that what we tend to expect and set in our minds as the way a relationship should go do not tend to be how things actually happen in real life. While we may say, “I will never deal with that” or “I will leave if they ever do XYZ,” it is not until we get into a situation where hearts are involved that we can say what we will or will not do. In no way am I advocating that you stay in an abusive relationship – verbal, emotional, mental, sexual, physical, etc. But what I am saying is that there are certain things that love will create the patience for you to deal with, because they are not deal-breakers. Love will look at the action (the pushing away) and see the hurt behind it. Then love, in its tender care for the heart and the hurt behind the action, will stand and fight for the person it loves. I’m not saying that this will be easy, because I know that it is not. It’s hard as hell to love someone who is being less than loving back at times. There will be times that it will hurt to love them because of something they say or do, and you will wonder why you allow yourself to put up with it. But I came across a quotation the other day that said that people need love the most when it seems like they deserve it the least. And you should also remember that at some point, you were probably the recipient of this healing love and patience, so do not be afraid to give it when the opportunity presents itself. This is not to say that you try to save everyone or enter into relationship (esp. romantic) with everybody who is hurting, but when you know in your heart of hearts that there is beauty and potential in what is shared, then you will find the strength and learn to love someone past their pain. Remember to be patient – wounds do not heal overnight. You may have to watch them go through some tough spots and deal with situations and pains that you wish you could protect them from, but in those moments, your care and support will be invaluable, even if they do not express it. What they most likely want/need to see is that you will be there for them and love them as others have not, even if they can’t/won’t articulate that to you. Once again, this will likely be one of the hardest things you will have to do in your life. Loving someone when they are dealing with some major issues (and likely unable to show you reciprocal love) will test your resolve, your strength, your capacity for trust, your need for security in a relationship, and your love. You may question their love, your own sanity for dealing with such, whether you can do what it takes, whether you even want to, and so much more. But if you persist, trusting Love to guide you as you act as an agent of Love to show love in its truest, deepest form – that which is freely given without expecting love in return, loving for the sake of loving – then you may just be rewarded with a relationship that will blow your mind. On the other side, there is major potential once the healing has occurred. And the funny thing about helping someone else to heal is that it tends to heal you as well. Of course, do remember to get poured back into by others in this time when you are giving so much to someone else. You can’t give to anyone if you are empty yourself. Pray, spend time with friends, relax, and keep yourself refreshed. So, love with all your might. This will bring a depth of love to you that you never knew and create a space of healing for the other person that will allow them to love in ways that they never expected and that can deepen your relationship.