Day 24 - Receiving Love

"There is a secret about human love that is commonly overlooked: Receiving it is much more scary and threatening than giving it. How many times in your life have you been unable to let in someone's love or even pushed it away? Much as we proclaim the wish to be truly loved, we are often afraid of that, and so find it difficult to open to love or let it all the way in." - John Welwood

I have often found this to be true.  I was telling some of my friends the other day that I used to have a hard time receiving love.  In my life, this came from not really feeling all that loved.  Because I didn't for so long, it was hard to believe that people would really love me.  Therefore, I had no idea how to receive it when people tried to give me actual love, and really, I didn't believe that I deserved it.  I began to fight that battle in undergrad, and there are still times when I find myself cringing or uncomfortable with certain displays and notions of love.  What I had to realize is that I am worthy of love - not because of things I do or achievements I have but simply because I exist.  When I allow myself to realize and embrace the fact that my very being entitles me to be loved, then I can receive love without feeling the need to earn it.  The problem is when people make you earn love - then it is not love.  Real love is not conditional or performance-based.  

Another reason that receiving love is hard is the vulnerability it requires. In order to receive love, your heart has to be open, just like receiving a ball requires your hand to be open to catch it.  And opening your heart in any way always presents the risk of pain entering, and many people live their lives doing all they can to avoid pain, because pain has become so intrinsic to our reality.  This fear keeps the heart closed, so even when it is swimming in love, it cannot receive it.

Be open and realize that you deserve to be loved.  Then, take the time to receive the love and let it heal the hurts that plague you.  Start with finding love from yourself...

Day 23 - Love v. Fear Series: 1

So as I was listening to one of my friends pray today, I was struck by her multiple uses of the statement "perfect love casts out fear."  Now granted, she was saying it because she's going to preach on it soon and it may be resonating in her spirit, but I'm learning to listen to things that are repeated around me.  And as I thought about that thing, I know that said statement is so very true, but so many people (myself included) aren't able to see, experience, or live love that doesn't contain (or is not ruled by) fear.  For that reason, I've decided that every so often (ideally monthly, but maybe more as I am inspired) to have an entry that deals with separating love from fear and helps us distinguish the difference.  For some of us, fear and love may be twins or at the very least siblings.  We've been trained to think and see in ways that make us believe that some things that are orchestrated by fear are actually love.  Hopefully this series will help us get beyond those ideas.

Fear controls/manipulates. Love allows space.

One of the biggest things that I have learned about real love is that is does not try to manipulate.  Because love exists purely for the sake of love and giving life to those who participate, it has no need to try to control situations or make things happen.  When there is love involved, love creates a space that is inviting in which love and its friends are allowed to grow.  People are allowed to be authentic, gifts are allowed to be explored, visions and dreams take shape, etc.  While love understands healthy boundaries, love also knows that in order for growth to occur, there has to be space to test limits and go beyond one's current place.  

Fear, on the other hand, has no security and nothing to stand on.  Because it has no firm foundation, it feels the need to hold to something, anything in order to give it a place.  This is why fear leads to control, because it wants to create the setting and set the circumstances in which it is comfortable.  If things happen that fear does not anticipate, then fear's concern is that it will lose what it needs to be okay, and like a person who has lost keys, it will tear up the house, buy all kinds of hooks for the wall and key chain pagers in order to make sure that they don't ever have to experience that moment of loss/separation.  There is no room for growth, because growth means change, and change is outside of what is comfortable/controllable.  Anything different could be bad (even though it could be good, but fear doesn't see that as a strong possibility), and fear will take no chances on being hurt again.  This control often includes manipulation, because it desires to make things work and fit within the realm of its control (see Love Factor entry - http://thelovelyyear.blogspot.com/2011/01/day-3-love-factor.html).

What am I saying?  Is there a strong element of control and/or manipulation in your relationship?  No matter what the relationship (romantic, friendship, co-worker, parental), there is no place for manipulation.  If a person believes your love for them is that little that they need to "work" you into doing things for them, then the relationship needs to be reconsidered.  And if you are that afraid that someone will leave you or that you can't get them to provide for your needs without having to trick them or guilt them, then something is wrong.  Maybe the relationship was built on deception and manipulation (sometimes known as "game"), and if that's the case, then some honest assessments need to be made, esp if that same "game" is needed to keep the relationship going.  Because, whether you know it or not, resentment is building, and that can poison any person and relationship...  

LOVE, NOT FEAR!

Day 22 - Can I Lay in Your Arms?

As I debated what to write for today's entry, I thought about a few possibilities, but what I realized is that there is 1 love central to my life. While there are some amazing people in my life that I'm beyond blessed to call friend, there is 1 that stands above the rest. And one of the things that makes love as amazing as it is to me is the grace and forgiveness and commitment of some relationships that should have ended or that exist even though I haven't always played my part in making them work.  The title of the entry is a song by Donald Lawrence, but it's also the title of a poem I wrote that explains the place of doubt that sometimes accompany the desire to love.

Can I Really Lay in Your Arms

Can I lay in Your arms and

Open my heart?

Would I be able to exhale and

Let go and

Just be?

Are You the one who

I can finally let inside where

The real me tends to hide and

My deepest insecurities abide?

I’ve let others in and

They trampled and took –

Let me down,

Ravaged my tender parts,

Slaughtered the heart of my trust,

All while calling me ‘friend.’

Even those with good intentions

Seem to get it wrong –

Overlooking my desires,

Pulling out my insecurities,

Taking advantage of my kindness,

Leaving me lonely when I’m at my lowest….

My heart is so tender,

Really just wanting a hug,

And its beating is really

A pounding ache for love.

I’m tired beyond exhaustion,

Barely able to process or even

Remember my own name at this point,

Wanting relief and release and

The ever elusive rest….

So, though I’ve heard Your offer

To come and rest, and I know that

Yes, I’m weary and

My middle name is “burdened,”

I’m admittedly and justifiably

A bit skeptical. 

As I ponder choosing You and

Using You as the comforter that

You claim to be,

The question isn’t so much

“Can I lay in Your arms,” but

Can I live, can I breathe,

Can I heal, can I find what I need and

Stay in Your arms?

Will these arms trap me in an

Empty shell of flesh or

Reach past my skin to hug

What hurts for love deep within?

Can I expect intimacy

That sees into me in order to better

And not just gossip about or

Try to take more from me?

Will I be able to depend on these arms

At any moment without

Question or doubt,

Without “I’ll get back to you” or

“I’m uncomfortable with that” or

“I’ve got what I need,

Figure it out yourself”?

I need arms that will

Hold and heal,

Embrace and empower,

Surround and secure…

Now, while this poem was written for and originally directed at God, I think that it can be applied to anyone who desires to provide real love and for someone who is skeptical.  For the skeptics, real love is possible...

Day 21 - Love the Way You Lie

 

When I first heard this song, I refused to listen to it.  The chorus, which opens the song, told me all I needed to know: "just gonna stand there and watch me burn - that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry - that's alright because I love the way you lie."  Nothing about that sounded healthy or appealing.  It sounds like there is venom in this relationship, and the person singing has internalized it to the point that she likes the abuse (the lying and the anger/burning).  But, as is the case when listening to the radio, the song was everywhere, and eventually, I had to sit through it.  Admittedly, the creativity of the song is somewhat appealing, but the message of the song itself is problematic.  It seems to have the general ups and downs of any normal relationship, but they are explained in such extreme terms.  "It's so insane, cuz when it's going good, it's going great - I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane. But when it's bad, it's awful."  He describes everything in this relationship from raging jealousy and violence to the infatuation at the beginning to passionate sex to just blind fury.  There is so much going on in this song that it's hard to really put a finger on it.  

One of the parts that stands out to me says, "But your temper's just as bad as mine is - you're the same as me. But when it comes to love, you're just as blinded."  This tells me the problem right here - 2 unhealthy people are in a relationship. They have anger issues and little idea what real love looks like.  I guess that's why he can say, "Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano."  And when 2 things that powerful and out of control come together, there is bound to be violence and injury.

Real love is not something that blinds - it illuminates. Love isn't about "You ever love somebody so much, you can barely breathe when you're with them? You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em- got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills, used to get 'em..." 

Be healthy before you enter a relationship.  And if your relationship looks anything like this one, then run and re-evaluate!

Day 20 - Are You Listening

 

"I was hungry...You fed me. Naked...you clothed me. They will know us by our love."  This is the opening to the song "Are You Listening" by Kirk Franklin and a host of other Gospel artists, a song created as a fundraiser for the earthquake in Haiti.  Just over a year later, Haiti is still struggling.  I watched a video today (http://topics.nytimes.com/top/news/international/countriesandterritories/haiti/index.html) and it broke my heart.  There are multiple directions that I could take this blog, but I don't want to be writing it for the rest of the night, so I will try to concisely write about a few of the things that come to mind as it relates to love.

1. Haiti - it is amazing how tragedies can bring us together and remind us that there is still some compassion in the world.  The earthquake in Haiti brought help from around the world, mobilizing doctors, nurses, rescue teams, religious organizations, and people of all kinds to this devastated nation to help its citizens in a tough time.  And while I (and the Haitian people) appreciate the outpouring in their time of need, I have to wonder why Haiti wasn't on the global radar before even though it is notorious for being one of the poorest places in the world. Why is this country so poor?  Partially because of the history of the country and the debts that some of the world's wealthiest countries still tried to extract from them up until 2009.  Haiti, one of the world's poorest nations, paying damages to France and debts to the US because of a US-installed dictator....  Makes sense....  How does this relate to love?  Politics and policies are a reflection of our personal relationships, and based on this, that is a sad commentary of how we treat each other.  Racial and political issues are just as much at fault for Haiti's poverty as corruption are.  http://trueslant.com/allisonkilkenny/2010/01/13/us-debt-policies-left-haiti-vulnerable-to-catastrophe/
2. 3rd world countries - though the song was written for Haiti, there are many people in "developing" nations who are crying under the weight of poverty and suffering because of policies of nations hundreds of miles away.  I refuse to buy or accept diamonds because of the rape of Africa that makes them possible.  And this is just one example.  It's unfortunate that nations abroad are used for the land to grow food for people in America while that the people in that nation starve.  And without a major tragedy or a news story exposing what is happening, much of the United States is unaware and unconcerned.  The Civil Rights Movement and its protests were more effective because tv cameras showed the people being attacked by dogs and hoses, not because of the natural compassion of people or the love that Christians talk so much about for their fellow humans.  It was shame and guilt that changed things, and this will probably be the case for changing the destruction of smaller nations by superpowers.  Yes, the US gives aid to many countries, but some of the reasons that the countries need aid comes from the US "intervention" in the first place.  Once again, politics and policies reflect personal relationships.  And money ALWAYS outweighs people in importance.
3. The less fortunate in your city - "I give to the mission offering at church, and they do things for the homeless."  "I donate to X charity every year."  "Even Jesus said that the poor would always be with us, so why should I do anything about it?"  "Everyone has the same opportunities - they are just lazy or stupid if they are poor/homeless."  Are any of these or other excuses your reasoning for not doing more for the less fortunate around you?  As Cornel West says, "justice is what love looks like in public," and based on the state of too many people in this country, love and justice are nowhere to be found.  There are political and social reasons that people are poor - are we making a concerted effort to take these issues to our government representatives? 
4. Your neighbor - while I assume that much of my audience wasn't in the earthquake in Haiti, I think that the song can speak a more universal truth that is of utmost importance in human relationships.  With masks in place, with the routine set, and with the act perfected, many people we see everyday are probably singing part of this song everyday: "Is there anybody out there listening? And does anybody know my name? And does anybody out there know me? Can you stop the clock, make this go away?"  Daily, we work, go to school, ride the bus, sit in church, get our hair done, and live with people who are crying out for love, acknowledgment, and affirmation.  They feel alone, but they don't know how to express it, afraid to reach out and have their loneliness confirmed by rejection.  How are you living as an agent of change and healing?  No, it is not possible to reach out to every person on earth, but are you making an effort to touch those in your proximity.  Some people really just wanna hear, "No, my friend we were not there, but we're here and we care. And yes, we feel your pain."  To know that they are not alone in their suffering can change their life, but we have to be willing to take time and show love.

So... are you listening?  Are you listening to the less fortunate and doing something to help, be it political steps to fight the larger causes of poverty, giving change to the man at the stoplight, or donating to the local coat drive?  Are you listening to those near you who may be isolated or suffering with some invisible burdens?  Are you listening to yourself to make sure that you love yourself as best as you can?  Are you listening to the Divine who will guide you in your desire to love others?

Day 19 - Touched by an Angel

Touched by an Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

-Maya Angelou

It has been ages since I have been able to spend time with Maya Angelou's writing, and so I took a moment to look up some of her poetry today.  When I came upon this poem, I was pleasantly surprised as it's one that I hadn't previously seen.  To me, this poem spoke volumes about love.  Many of us live in worlds of emotional isolation because of fear of being hurt. Even when surrounded by friends and family and able to communicate with people across the globe and at the speed of light, we can still find ourselves feeling very alone.  Because the Divine would prefer that we do not feel this way, "love leaves its high holy temple / and comes into our sight / to liberate us into life."  Love is the most liberating force on earth, especially when it is inspired and brought by the Divine.  It has the ability to awaken things in us, and set us free from the things that have bound us to be able to live in more whole ways.

I especially love the last stanza, because it speaks to my journey.  Love has been weaning me away from fear, and I have seen the costs and the benefits of genuine love.  Now I wouldn't live without it.

Thank you, Maya Angelou...  And thank God for the angels in my life who have been agents of healing and channels of love for me.

Day 18 - Love v. Fear

"Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us." - Marianne Williamson

The quotation seems sufficient in itself.  I'm not even gonna mess with it.  Think on it. I will do more with love and fear, but for now...

Day 17 - The Simpsons

Now, I have never watched the Simpsons for life advice or for anything other than entertainment, but there was a line from the latest episode that spoke to me, so I had to write about it.  Homer found a tv sitcom from the 80s that showed the typical cheesy tv family dynamic.  He was choking Bart as usual, and the father from the sitcom appeared in a thought bubble above his head and says, "a good father is strong enough that he doesn't need to use his strength. What Bart needs is for you to strangle him with your love."  Homer ponders it and says, "I never thought of fatherhood as something that could affect a kid."
Now while this is a humorous statement that could only come out of a character like Homer (or Peter from Family Guy), the truth of the matter is that a lot of parents (and people in general in relationships) probably live in a way that reflects this.  Everything that we do as a person makes a difference in the lives of those around us.  If I am an incomplete person who needs constant affection and affirmation, as a parent, I may seek to be my child's friend when I should be parenting them, and this will most likely lead to boundary issues for my child.  If I am an alcoholic or addict, my habit will show itself more important than my child and cause my child to feel unimportant and lead to self esteem issues. 
What I'm saying is that sometimes the best way to show love to others is to love yourself.  Even if you're not a parent, the things you do to/for yourself will affect those you are in relationship with.  I know from personal experience that my insecurities can cause issues in my friendships, which is why I'm working to grow and change.  It's impossible to love someone else in a whole, healing way if I can't do that for myself...

Day 16 - Grenade

I absolutely love the voice on Bruno Mars.  When I first heard "Just the Way You Are" (a song which will be an entry at some point), I may have fallen in love a little bit.  Before I heard the song "Grenade," a friend had a status message about the severity of the song, and it got me curious.  I looked up the song, and it is indeed an intense type of love, especially given the fact that he acknowledges his partner's lack of reciprocation.  He's aware of her lack of love, because he says, "Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash."  He is clear that she is disregarding his affection.  He even goes so far as to say, "Tell the devil I said 'hey' when you get back to where you're from."  It's not just that she doesn't love him, but he has come to realize that the one he loves is evil, essentially saying that she came from hell.  Isn't that sometimes the case?  We think people are one thing when we meet them, but some time with them shows us that they are nothing like we thought.  Their issues and insecurities began to ooze and affect the relationship.  I'm aware that everyone has their stuff, but it's important to recognize when someone's stuff is what my friends and I call "diagnosable" - something that requires professional help and some time on a couch because of the depth of the issues.

But what I see as the major problem comes near the end of the song.  He continues talking about the depth of her evils, saying, "If my body was on fire, ooh, you’d watch me burn down in flames. You said you loved me, you're a liar, cause you never, ever, ever did baby."  He knows that he's in a relationship where he is in love by himself.  After this line, he pauses to think, almost as if he's pondering what he's said about the fact that he's never even been loved in this relationship.  And after the pause of thought, he goes back to the chorus, saying, "But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya, throw my hand on a blade for ya. I’d jump in front of a train for ya. You know I'd do anything for ya. I would go through all this pain; take a bullet straight through my brain. Yes, I would die for ya baby, but you won't do the same."  So even after he establishes that he is not nor has he ever been loved in this relationship, after addressing the fact that she would likely watch him burn to death and not put forth an effort to help him, he is still willing to do some intense things in the name of love for her.  

Now, I don't know about you... It's one thing to catch a grenade for someone who I love and who I know loves me back, but to do so for a person who I know wouldn't cross the street for me....  That is a lot harder to swallow, and so I have to question the self love that is involved in such a decision.  While I understand that love is sometimes a difficult thing and it is not always 100% reciprocal and mutual, but willingness to endure bodily harm for someone who has no real regard for you... that doesn't seem wise.  He recognizes the poison, but he doesn't love himself to stop drinking it.  As yesterday's entry said, know that you deserve better and that you should be able to love and be loved in a relationship.   It is clear that unrequited love can be painful and problematic as the end of the video shows, especially when you know that the person doesn't love you (and has no intentions of doing so), but you continue to choose an intense love for them.  If you didn't watch it all the way through, I encourage you to, because it makes clear my point.
Side note: because I love his voice, I'm gonna include the studio version of the song too.

Day 15 - What You Deserve

A dear friend of mine recently told me about a revelation that she had, and it struck me as the kind of thing that everyone should be aware of, so I've decided to share.  To give some background, my friend recently was involved in an abusive relationship, and while her physical injuries thankfully never landed her in the hospital, her other injuries have shown up in most aspects of her life.  In her journey of healing, she has been working to find herself and regain that which this relationship has taken from her, seeking wise counsel and doing much praying and reflecting.  While on the journey, she has gained some sage wisdom, and the focus of this entry will be one such piece of advice.  When describing her relationship with her abuser to a wise woman, she said, 'it bothers me that you are willing to just have sex especially when you deserve more.  You should be willing to receive more and to be loved in a way that takes care of you."  Now, what I didn't tell you about my friend is that her current arrangement (she'd probably prefer that I didn't call it a relationship) is with a man who loves her (she won't like that either, but it's the truth so I'm gonna write it), understands where she is in terms of needing to heal from the previous relationship, and wants to be her friend and protector.  He does little things like making sure she has money or taking her grocery shopping.  He even went so far as to that he felt the need to take a step back and make sure that he didn't take advantage of her as her abuser did, wanting to be her friend and really look out for her.  Despite being told by more than 1 person, she has difficulty wrapping her mind around his level of care for her or why he does/says some of the things he does/says. 

What I have come to realize is that the pain that her abuser caused her (as well as the treatment she has received in previous relationships) has made it almost impossible to receive real love when it was offered.  The abusive relationship combined with her past experiences shaped her to believe that having sex was enough.  This was true to the point that she even resisted the love being offered to her and had a hard time accepting it for what it was, expecting it to change or leave at any point.  She was always waiting for him to leave or to disappoint her and give her an excuse to leave.  And while I can imagine that this was frustrating for her friend, as he was simply trying to love her, it is a testament to who he is and the love that he has for her that he continues to shower her with care.  But before she can really receive it and even love him back in a healthy, reciprocal way, she has to heal.  She not only has to heal from the abusive relationship but also from the previous relationships and mindsets that brought her to the place of receiving that type of thing as acceptable.  When she can truly embrace the fact that she is worthy of more than just a booty call, even when the booty call comes with a title or a few moments of "care," she will be able to receive the love that is being offered to her.

Are you in a situation where you allow yourself to receive less than you're worth, making due because you don't think you can do any better?  Have you compromised some realistic standards for the sake of not sleeping alone or for having someone on your arm?  Are there even little things that you've let slide when in your heart of hearts you know that you want and deserve more?  I've said it before and I'll say it again: take care of you because no one else can.  Even if a person tries to take care of you, they cannot do so without your help.  Every person deserves love, respect, dignity, and a right to feel safe.  I believe that we must receive these things from God so that we can receive them from others as well.  Make sure you know that you're worth the best and that the best is what you give and receive.  If you don't know how or you don't think so, then talk to someone (preferably a professional) about why you feel the way you feel.

Day 14 - For Better or for Worse

"On a busy morning, a nurse in the crowded emergency room seated an elderly gentleman who had come to have stitches removed from his hand. He said, 'I'm in a hurry, nurse. I have an appointment in an hour.' As the line of patients ahead of him moved slowly he kept looking anxiously at his watch. Knowing he'd never make his appointment, the nurse led him to an examination room, checked his vital signs and evaluated the condition of his wound. Seeing it was well-healed, she consulted with one of the doctors and got clearance to remove his sutures and re-dress his wound.  She asked, 'are you hurrying to another doctor's appointment?' He said, 'no, I'm on my way to have breakfast with my wife at the nursing home.' She asked about his wife's health and learned she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. 'Will she be upset if you're late?' The old man told her she hadn't recognized him in five years. Surprised, the nurse asked, 'And you still go to see her every morning, although she doesn't know who you are?' The old man smiled, patted her hand and replied, 'Oh, yes. She doesn't know who I am, but I still know who she is!'"
This is the most beautiful story I've ever read, and it came from one of my morning devotionals. The man's love for his wife is truly touching and it reminds me of the true meaning of love.  When this man said, "I do," he probably didn't anticipate his wife being unable to recognize and love him as she did when she said, "I do."  But real love requires commitment as much as it does care and affection, so the fact that he hasn't given up on her, even when she can't reciprocate it, is a testament to the love that he has for her. Most of us love for what we can get, but real love is complete in itself and is able to love for the sake of loving.  It loves because to love is to live.
Can you love for better or for worse?  Are you willing to love in those tough times, in those times when it'd be easier to cut your losses and move on? 

Day 13 - Wings

So I decided to do something different, and look at some art.  I saw this picture, and it reminded me of the beauty of love.  There is a freedom in love that can be symbolized by the fact that there are wings on this heart.  I appreciate that they are butterfly wings, because those group after a process and over time as opposed to being birds' wings which are there from the beginning.
Nothing deep... Just enjoy.

Day 12 - Married Folk

So, I've decided that since I know nothing about being married (and admittedly, I'm not 300% sure that I wanna  get married myself), but I'm curious about the love and the relationship of married people.  While I have 2 married people within my grasp, I figured I'd ask them about the love that they share.

Seth and Shanna DuBose

They have been married for almost 2 years.  Before that, they dated for about 1.5 years.  They were friends for about 10 years prior to.  They have been together and known each for ages, so they feel like the transition into marriage didn't change things completely.  Because they've been through hell and high water together before they got married, being married been a matter of changing addresses and bank account numbers.  Of course there love has grown over the years, but they have continued along the vein of friendship that has kept that them in each others' lives all along.
Love is compromise, sacrifice, and working together.  It's letting your wife have the chopsticks when you wanted to use them.  Real love = learning idiosyncrasies. 
At the end of the day, based on this couple, marriage is about being able to be friends on a long-term, intimate, close together basis.  It is finding the person with whom you are more than comfortable and that just fits you.  It's about the person you can be friends with when all else is confusing, messed up, or even lost.  It's about finding your tag team partner in this wrestling match called life - someone you work with, someone you trust, and someone that you can tap in and allow to fight for you when you can't make it.

Day 11 - You Complete Me

Let me be the first to say that I love music.  90% of the time, I have something playing in my room.  I use music for my every mood, and as a dancer, I appreciate music that much more... but sometimes, music has some messages that are not the best influence for healthy relationships.  One such message is the title of a song by Keyshia Cole.

The title by itself is enough to make me wonder.  And the chorus takes it even further: "You love me, you complete me. You hold my heart in your hands, and it's okay 'cause I trust that you'll be the best man that you can."  Now, I appreciate her vote of confidence that he will be an awesome man and even that he is trustworthy.  That is good for a relationship.  My concerns are the fact that she feels that he completes her and the fact that he holds her heart in his hand.  First, I believe that a person should be complete before her or she enters a relationship.  Without being whole, a person will search for the filling of the voids in the partner, and this is an unfair expectation, as no person can complete you. 

I know that the famous line from this movie is one that makes girls swoon, aching to hear a man say that to them, but I cannot help but think about the deeper meaning of this.  If that person ever leaves or dies, will you be left incomplete forever?  And what about people who are single their whole lives?  Are they perpetually incomplete because they lack a romantic relationship?  I think completion should be something that we understand within ourselves, and the addition of another person simply complements what we have going on.  Completion doesn't mean perfection.  It simply means knowing, understanding, and accepting who you are, having a healthy view of and loving yourself.  When I can do this, then the addition of someone else will not complete me, just like the leaving of a person from my life will not make me incomplete and unable to function.  
My other concern from the chorus of Keyshia Cole's song is the fact that she has placed her heart in his hand.  The fact that her whole heart is in his hand is concerning, because he is a fallible human being.  The fact alone is cause for concern, because, even with the best of intentions, he will mess up and make mistakes.  And morbid though the fact may be, he will one day die.  If her heart is in his hand, then her life and her power reside in his hand and no longer rest with her.  When you give someone else your power, you put yourself in a dangerous place, because you are no longer in control.  While we hope that he has pure intentions for her, some people can use this kind of power to hurt and manipulate.  I would recommend allowing the person to share a piece of your heart but ultimately maintaining your own power.  This way, your life doesn't revolve around this person, and you can still have a life and calling that your partner simply adds to and enhances.
No, you don't complete me, and I don't want to complete you.  You should be complete before we come together so that our togetherness makes 2 wholes such that we have more than enough to overflow and bless others by our relationship as well.

Day 10 - MLK

"I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live."

The above is a quotation of the great Dr Martin Luther King Jr, and it is one that embodies the way he lived his life.  In my mind, the love of justice is what he lived and died for, and that makes him and his work an appropriate reflection for today's blog.  As America honors him with a holiday, celebrating his life and legacy, many people reflect on his words and his works as they have helped change America forever.  He had a wisdom that speaks through the ages and a love for people that led him to live and give his life in pursuit of a better tomorrow for all of us.  Let us all find that thing for which our lives were created and make sure we have something to live for.  Anyone can exist and make a check to survive, but I say, push for something higher.  Even if you have to start small, plant the seed of your dream/passion and go for it.  The world needs what you have.

"Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true."

Hatred is such a poison, and it's unfortunate that much of life is taught in terms of hate and not love.  And I'm not just talking about our obsession with "haters," though that is definitely a part of the concern and conversation.  I mean, why do we find it so difficult to celebrate when others achieve?  Is it because we ourselves are too scared to try or feel inadequate to pursue our own dreams, so we envy those who do what we think we can't?  But this hate on a small scale only reflects the poison of hate that exists on a global scale and is perpetuated by the media and the government alike.  It's the kind of hate that can be covert and cunning but that denies people access to basic necessities and life, especially when those doing the denying have more than their grandchildren will ever need.  It's the kind of hate that causes someone in a blue t-shirt to shoot someone with a red t-shirt because they are fighting for a block that doesn't belong to either of them while the real owner of the block lives in his beach house, collecting his money, and not giving thought to the problems of those "lesser folks," even though it's his government that caused the poverty of the area.  It's the kind of hate that masks itself as charity and borders on indifference.  This is the hate that is choking people with their own riches, shooting people with rage-filled guns, landing children in cemeteries, and members of Congress in the hospital.  Until we learn to embrace and respect the basic dignity of every human being, our actions will continue to say that we hate each other, even as we stand side by side or hand in hand.

 

"Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love." 

Without love, there is no way that we will have peace in the world.  Because peace talks only involve government officials who get hidden away when war happens and not the civilians and people on the ground who have to wake up and go to sleep with the sounds of bombs and gunshots, peace will be hard to find.  Because ego often takes a higher priority than general welfare, peace will be hard to find.  Because money is always more important than the lives of others, especially if the others are already poor, peace will be hard to find.  Because war is too profitable an exercise, especially when the place being fought has resources that we want, peace will be hard to find.  Because when we come to the table to discuss peace, we bring our bodyguards, we have our guns on the table, and our fingers dangerously close to the big red button, peace will never be found.  Until we learn how to love first and live with an ethic of love and not commerce or "diplomacy" or power, we will always be fearful that the other guy is out to get us, so our weapons and army need to be bigger and stronger and able to kill faster than the other guy.  We will live with a mentality of preemptive strike as opposed to being able to do what we were taught in Kindergarten - sit down and talk it out.  If I love you, I cannot blow away half your country, even if I don't like some of what you do.  We can agree to disagree like actual adults.  I'm not going to legally mug you or rape you of your resources just because I feel I need them and you don't want to roll over and surrender all you have to me....

Thank you, Dr King, for all that you said, did, and give in defense of justice and pursuit of love.  

Day 9 - At Your Best

In honor of Aaliyah's birthday today, I am choosing one of her selections to reflect on.  This is one of my favorite songs that she does, and it's called "At Your Best You are Love."  I think this song embodies some of the complexities and quirks of being in relationship.  It talks about the days in relationships that are not all puppies and kittens and rainbows.  There are days when we can be cranky or insecure, emotionally unavailable or in need of solitude.  There are times when we aren't the ray of sunshine that worships the ground that our loved one walks on...  "But at your best, you are love.  You're a positive motivating force within my life.  Should you ever feel the need to wonder why, let me know."  
What I've learned is that, despite the quirks and issues and flaws that are inevitable in every person, at their best, they are love.  At everyone's best, they exemplify and embody a deep, compassionate, tender love.  Now, there can be many obstacles that keep people from their best, and some people allow those things to hinder, especially when dealing with insecurities and baggage.  Relationships (the positive, God-ordained kind) are well-suited for bringing that best out of each of us, but that takes trust, patience, and a willingness to be open to allow the best to come out.  But you're worth it, and so is your loved one.
Remember to be at your best, because your best is a beautiful thing.  Your best doesn't mean perfection, by the way.  It just means a place in which you are willing and trying, living with open arms and heart to improve your life and the lives of those around you.