Day 22 - Can I Lay in Your Arms?

As I debated what to write for today's entry, I thought about a few possibilities, but what I realized is that there is 1 love central to my life. While there are some amazing people in my life that I'm beyond blessed to call friend, there is 1 that stands above the rest. And one of the things that makes love as amazing as it is to me is the grace and forgiveness and commitment of some relationships that should have ended or that exist even though I haven't always played my part in making them work.  The title of the entry is a song by Donald Lawrence, but it's also the title of a poem I wrote that explains the place of doubt that sometimes accompany the desire to love.

Can I Really Lay in Your Arms

Can I lay in Your arms and

Open my heart?

Would I be able to exhale and

Let go and

Just be?

Are You the one who

I can finally let inside where

The real me tends to hide and

My deepest insecurities abide?

I’ve let others in and

They trampled and took –

Let me down,

Ravaged my tender parts,

Slaughtered the heart of my trust,

All while calling me ‘friend.’

Even those with good intentions

Seem to get it wrong –

Overlooking my desires,

Pulling out my insecurities,

Taking advantage of my kindness,

Leaving me lonely when I’m at my lowest….

My heart is so tender,

Really just wanting a hug,

And its beating is really

A pounding ache for love.

I’m tired beyond exhaustion,

Barely able to process or even

Remember my own name at this point,

Wanting relief and release and

The ever elusive rest….

So, though I’ve heard Your offer

To come and rest, and I know that

Yes, I’m weary and

My middle name is “burdened,”

I’m admittedly and justifiably

A bit skeptical. 

As I ponder choosing You and

Using You as the comforter that

You claim to be,

The question isn’t so much

“Can I lay in Your arms,” but

Can I live, can I breathe,

Can I heal, can I find what I need and

Stay in Your arms?

Will these arms trap me in an

Empty shell of flesh or

Reach past my skin to hug

What hurts for love deep within?

Can I expect intimacy

That sees into me in order to better

And not just gossip about or

Try to take more from me?

Will I be able to depend on these arms

At any moment without

Question or doubt,

Without “I’ll get back to you” or

“I’m uncomfortable with that” or

“I’ve got what I need,

Figure it out yourself”?

I need arms that will

Hold and heal,

Embrace and empower,

Surround and secure…

Now, while this poem was written for and originally directed at God, I think that it can be applied to anyone who desires to provide real love and for someone who is skeptical.  For the skeptics, real love is possible...