Day 23 - Love v. Fear Series: 1

So as I was listening to one of my friends pray today, I was struck by her multiple uses of the statement "perfect love casts out fear."  Now granted, she was saying it because she's going to preach on it soon and it may be resonating in her spirit, but I'm learning to listen to things that are repeated around me.  And as I thought about that thing, I know that said statement is so very true, but so many people (myself included) aren't able to see, experience, or live love that doesn't contain (or is not ruled by) fear.  For that reason, I've decided that every so often (ideally monthly, but maybe more as I am inspired) to have an entry that deals with separating love from fear and helps us distinguish the difference.  For some of us, fear and love may be twins or at the very least siblings.  We've been trained to think and see in ways that make us believe that some things that are orchestrated by fear are actually love.  Hopefully this series will help us get beyond those ideas.

Fear controls/manipulates. Love allows space.

One of the biggest things that I have learned about real love is that is does not try to manipulate.  Because love exists purely for the sake of love and giving life to those who participate, it has no need to try to control situations or make things happen.  When there is love involved, love creates a space that is inviting in which love and its friends are allowed to grow.  People are allowed to be authentic, gifts are allowed to be explored, visions and dreams take shape, etc.  While love understands healthy boundaries, love also knows that in order for growth to occur, there has to be space to test limits and go beyond one's current place.  

Fear, on the other hand, has no security and nothing to stand on.  Because it has no firm foundation, it feels the need to hold to something, anything in order to give it a place.  This is why fear leads to control, because it wants to create the setting and set the circumstances in which it is comfortable.  If things happen that fear does not anticipate, then fear's concern is that it will lose what it needs to be okay, and like a person who has lost keys, it will tear up the house, buy all kinds of hooks for the wall and key chain pagers in order to make sure that they don't ever have to experience that moment of loss/separation.  There is no room for growth, because growth means change, and change is outside of what is comfortable/controllable.  Anything different could be bad (even though it could be good, but fear doesn't see that as a strong possibility), and fear will take no chances on being hurt again.  This control often includes manipulation, because it desires to make things work and fit within the realm of its control (see Love Factor entry - http://thelovelyyear.blogspot.com/2011/01/day-3-love-factor.html).

What am I saying?  Is there a strong element of control and/or manipulation in your relationship?  No matter what the relationship (romantic, friendship, co-worker, parental), there is no place for manipulation.  If a person believes your love for them is that little that they need to "work" you into doing things for them, then the relationship needs to be reconsidered.  And if you are that afraid that someone will leave you or that you can't get them to provide for your needs without having to trick them or guilt them, then something is wrong.  Maybe the relationship was built on deception and manipulation (sometimes known as "game"), and if that's the case, then some honest assessments need to be made, esp if that same "game" is needed to keep the relationship going.  Because, whether you know it or not, resentment is building, and that can poison any person and relationship...  

LOVE, NOT FEAR!