Day 15 - What You Deserve

A dear friend of mine recently told me about a revelation that she had, and it struck me as the kind of thing that everyone should be aware of, so I've decided to share.  To give some background, my friend recently was involved in an abusive relationship, and while her physical injuries thankfully never landed her in the hospital, her other injuries have shown up in most aspects of her life.  In her journey of healing, she has been working to find herself and regain that which this relationship has taken from her, seeking wise counsel and doing much praying and reflecting.  While on the journey, she has gained some sage wisdom, and the focus of this entry will be one such piece of advice.  When describing her relationship with her abuser to a wise woman, she said, 'it bothers me that you are willing to just have sex especially when you deserve more.  You should be willing to receive more and to be loved in a way that takes care of you."  Now, what I didn't tell you about my friend is that her current arrangement (she'd probably prefer that I didn't call it a relationship) is with a man who loves her (she won't like that either, but it's the truth so I'm gonna write it), understands where she is in terms of needing to heal from the previous relationship, and wants to be her friend and protector.  He does little things like making sure she has money or taking her grocery shopping.  He even went so far as to that he felt the need to take a step back and make sure that he didn't take advantage of her as her abuser did, wanting to be her friend and really look out for her.  Despite being told by more than 1 person, she has difficulty wrapping her mind around his level of care for her or why he does/says some of the things he does/says. 

What I have come to realize is that the pain that her abuser caused her (as well as the treatment she has received in previous relationships) has made it almost impossible to receive real love when it was offered.  The abusive relationship combined with her past experiences shaped her to believe that having sex was enough.  This was true to the point that she even resisted the love being offered to her and had a hard time accepting it for what it was, expecting it to change or leave at any point.  She was always waiting for him to leave or to disappoint her and give her an excuse to leave.  And while I can imagine that this was frustrating for her friend, as he was simply trying to love her, it is a testament to who he is and the love that he has for her that he continues to shower her with care.  But before she can really receive it and even love him back in a healthy, reciprocal way, she has to heal.  She not only has to heal from the abusive relationship but also from the previous relationships and mindsets that brought her to the place of receiving that type of thing as acceptable.  When she can truly embrace the fact that she is worthy of more than just a booty call, even when the booty call comes with a title or a few moments of "care," she will be able to receive the love that is being offered to her.

Are you in a situation where you allow yourself to receive less than you're worth, making due because you don't think you can do any better?  Have you compromised some realistic standards for the sake of not sleeping alone or for having someone on your arm?  Are there even little things that you've let slide when in your heart of hearts you know that you want and deserve more?  I've said it before and I'll say it again: take care of you because no one else can.  Even if a person tries to take care of you, they cannot do so without your help.  Every person deserves love, respect, dignity, and a right to feel safe.  I believe that we must receive these things from God so that we can receive them from others as well.  Make sure you know that you're worth the best and that the best is what you give and receive.  If you don't know how or you don't think so, then talk to someone (preferably a professional) about why you feel the way you feel.