Day 359 - A Lesson in Receiving

So, I got a new phone....  Normally, this wouldn't be anything blog-worthy, but the way it happened is something that taught me a lesson that I apparently still need to learn.  Now, I'm a giver by nature.  It's just what I do.  Whenever it is possible and I see a need, I do what I can to take care of it, especially for those who are close to me.  And this isn't a bad trait to have.  I think it's important to be able and willing to give.  After all, we are all so blessed, why not share?  But that's not my point of all this.  Because I've become so used to being a giver, there are times when I forget that there is indeed another side to this whole thing, and that's where this entry comes in.
Essentially, my phone, which had been acting up for a minute, decided to give up the ghost yesterday.  The only way it would work was if it was on the charger.  And I had to hold it at a certain angle to get it to charge.... Too much work....  So I talked to my dad, since I was on his plan, and he said he'd talked to the phone people - $120 insurance deductible, and I would get a phone in 3 days....  Both of these were undesirable options.  For me, $120 was a lot to pay just to have mine repaired.  Of course, $120 also doesn't sit well at all with my current budget either, so that was another concern.  Even if I was willing to wait the 3 days, I didn't really have $120 to give anyone.  And if I wanted a new phone that day, since I was outside the warranty on my old phone (by about a week), I would have to pay full retail price.  For a smartphone, those things tend to start in the low $200s.
Well, to make a long story short, I was telling one of my friends about the situation, and she said, you can't be without a phone. Tell me how much you need and consider it done. I know I looked at the phone like she was typing in Chinese.  As we just discussed, smartphones tend to start at over $200, so whether I was going to stay on my dad's plan or even get my own, I was looking at needing at least a couple hundred bucks.  I asked if she was sure, and she said she was.  So after trying to deal with the phone people, I went to Wal-Mart, hooked up with Straight Talk, bought a phone and a plan, and was on my way.  Thankfully, the phone only ended up being about $180, and within the hour, there was $200 waiting on me at Money Gram.
Now, I said all this to say a couple of things.  One, God is good.  While it is true that I will not die without a cell phone, being without one would have caused me great distress.  It is my means of communicating with the outside world, especially because there's no internet at my house. And provision like that... I know very few people who just give a couple hundred dollars to anyone, friends or not.  And on the spot.  Two, I do deserve to receive.  Now, this may sound a bit selfish, but what I've come to realize is that I have a hard time receiving.  I know in my mind that we all deserve to receive and to be given/shown love, but I think that I focus so much on giving to others that I don't even really think about receiving for me.  For me, meeting the needs of others tends to bring me fulfillment.  When I have my own needs, I tend to take care of it myself.
Three, I have some phenomenal friends.  As I was writing in the Love Languages entry, it matters not to me how you show love as long as you do.  This for me was a mind-blowing display.  And my friend and I have had an interesting friendship.  As with all friendships, there have been good and bad moments (on both sides), but at the end of the day, the two marks of true friendship are loving someone enough to allow/support authenticity and growth, and being there when a person is in need.  Thankfully, she has done both.  And she's not the only one.  I count myself truly blessed to have people in my life who I can call 'friend' outside of facebook.  Four, I am still learning to receive.  And part of learning to receive is to be able to be open/vulnerable enough to share.  When she had asked me what was wrong, I could have said, nothing, but that would not have enabled me to receive such a blessing.
So, even as a giver, I have to learn how to receive and allow others to give to me.  It's all about balance.  Yes, God is ultimately the one who takes care of me for giving the way I do, but there are times when God works through other people to provide said blessings.  I have to be open enough to receive what God is trying to do in whatever form it may come.  Remember, we all have to know how to give and receive in love.  And we need to know that we won't always receive from the person we give to, but if we trust Divine Providence ('provide' meaning to see before, i.e. anticipating your need and making moves now to let it be met in the future), it will all work out and balance itself in the end.  I can't be so independent and "self-sufficient" (I don't think such a thing is possible since we all need someone else at some point to do something for us) that I refuse to receive anything.  I'd only hurt myself in the process.
My friend would kill me if I put her name in here, but I will say, "thank you" once again for blessing my life.  As you reminded me yesterday, despite the ups and downs we've seen, it's all love.

Day 358 - Love without Expecting

A friend of mine recently posted a facebook status that said to love without expecting. I have to admit that I definitely try to make that the way that I love. The true nature of love ought to be unconditional – given without price tag, call back, or condition. Love ought to be given simply for the joy of giving it. It shouldn’t be given to get more love or anything else from anyone. Unfortunately, giving so much tends to be hard. We’ve been taught for the most part that relationships are about getting our needs met. We even look at relationships as semi contractual interactions where we do things and want things, typically similar things to what were given, in return. If someone is not “pulling their weight” in a relationship, it’s time to cut
them off and keep it moving.
Now, in a general sense, I agree that there should be reciprocity in relationships… depending on the relationship. But I’ve come to a few important conclusions about relationships that I think can help us when our expectations are causing us undo stress:

• Not all reciprocation is the same – there are some people who will give back to you in ways that look nothing like the way you gave to them. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t reciprocating. They are just giving differently. For example, if I was friends with a millionaire, and my friend bought me a car, clearly I would be very unable to reciprocate in that same way. But I might give back to my friend by babysitting or helping my friend through a crisis. The point is to share love in ways that will benefit the other person as you are able and willing.
• Relationships will never be 100% mutual all the time.  There will be moments when you are giving more because that's what the person needs.  And there will be moments when you are unable to give and the other person takes up the slack, caring for you.  The point is give and take.  As long as there is giving and taking, caring one for another, and walking together in love, there will always be a balance of sorts.
• There are some relationships that aren't supposed to be mutual. There are some people who are in your life simply to receive, and there are some people who are in your life just to give to you.  The key is recognizing which are which.  When you expect to receive from someone who is only really there is to receive from you, you will be frustrated.  In life, our relationships and our needs tend to balance out.  You just have to recognize your sources and be sure that you receive what you need to from where you to in order to be full and happy, able to give to others.

Either way, the point of love, no matter what type of relationship you are in, is to give it away.  When you love in order to get something back, you will never find fulfillment.  But when you are able to love just to love, you are releasing yourself from the need to control others and live your own emotional freedom.  Then you be able to receive just as freely as you give, and love will be love instead of obligation or a way of keeping score.

Day 357 - Love Languages Revisited

So the other night, I went to a book club discussion of the 5 Love Languages. While I had read the original version of the book years ago, I needed a bit of a refresher. This time, I read the singles version, being that I’m a single individual. I also looked back at my earlier blog entry about said book, because I wanted to see if anything in me or my understanding had changed since I wrote about it last February. As is usually the case, things have changed. When I last wrote, my primary love language was physical touch, and a very close second was words of affirmation. But the beauty of evolution is that as we grow, we change.
As we become more self-aware, we can make different choices and see things in us for what they might really be. I think that the seasons of our lives tend to dictate what we feel we need. Honestly, I’m very much adaptable, and I’m not picky when it comes to how love is shown. As we were doing our assessments as a group, I was having a hard time choosing between certain of the answers, because for me, how I
want to receive love depends on the context and the person. Because I tend to see more than just the surface of things, I like to know that whatever was done was from the heart. For instance, even though words of affirmation were previously very important to me, when I have seen words with no action to accompany them or even words with contradictory actions, I began to understand that words of affirmation, while nice, were not the key to what I wanted. As a writer, words will always be important to me and I can definitely use them as a means of showing love, but I don’t think that they are the primary way that I receive love.
Now, my primary love languages (I think I'm bilingual) are quality time and physical touch. I think this is because, even as an introvert, I’ve always found something divine about the presence of those I love. I remember once when I was experiencing what I later learned was depression, there were times when I didn’t even feel like praying (and I love praying). Instead, the only thing I wanted to do was to be in the  presence of my sisters. Thankfully, they lived across the street, so I called and made sure that at least
one of them was home and went right over. They were all doing work of some sort, but I didn’t care. I just needed their presence so as one of them sat on the couch, I laid on the couch beside her and simply enjoyed. It helped to ease whatever was going on in me, and I found some peace by being with them.  Presence has always been important to me. And since that and physical touch tend to go hand in hand for me, being near the people I love can be the best thing ever. When I was in a long distance relationship, what allowed it to work for me was the fact that we talked all the time. For me, it was just like being present (presumably because one of the dialects of that particular language is “quality conversations,” and we had lots of those). Communication was always key, and because there was no physical presence (and therefore no physical touch) our quality time was via communication and conversation. Even when we just sat on the phone for hours or would fall asleep on the phone together, we had presence and I was pleased.
Therefore, being with the people I care about is vastly important. Being denied presence to me is like… a denial of love. While I am fairly adaptive, I recognize that presence is key. This can be a difficult love language to speak in these busy times that we live in, but for me, a few minutes of quality time, presence, and/or conversation can make all the difference between me being emotionally full and emotionally empty.  But something I realized is that my main language of love is consistency.  Without that, none of the other details and nuances make much difference.  Sure, I'm flexible and adaptive, but I still like at least a wee bit of consistency.
So why did I take time to revisit the love languages? For a couple of reasons. It’s clear to see that we evolve, so we should pay attention to the changes in our emotional landscape. It’s also important to know what you want and need in a relationship. If you can’t articulate what you want, both you and the people you’re in relationship with will always be frustrated. It’s also important to know that you need to be aware of what your loved ones want/need in order to help the love in a relationship feel reciprocal. No one should be doing all the giving or work. Each person should know what the other’s love language is and do you best to speak it. 

Day 356 - Love Takes Time

I'm not sure why, but when I heard this song yesterday on Pandora, it tugged on my heart.  Even now, as I listen to it again to prepare to blog about it, there is something deeply moving... Also, I don't typically write about sad love songs, but what can I say?  There are lots of aspects of love and its accompaniment, so here we go.
"I had it all, but I let it slip away. Couldn't see I treated you wrong - now I wander around feeling down and cold, trying to believe that you're gone."  It seems the singer had a wonderful relationship that she somehow took for granted, and now she is trying to wrap her mind around the fact that the one she loved (but didn't show love)  has now left her.  It's a hurtful thing for her to feel, especially since she seems to be at fault for her loss.
"Love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much. Couldn't see that I was blind to let you go. I can't escape the pain inside, cuz love takes time. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be here alone."  While love has great healing potential, pain is a formidable opponent.  Therefore, even when there is an abundance of love present, the ache of pain in a heart (no matter who caused it) can make it difficult for the love to penetrate and begin having its positive effect.  The singer recognizes the pain that she has caused, and now she feels like she is in love/relationship by herself, because her actions (and the resulting pain) have pushed the other person so far away. 
"Losing my mind from this hollow in my heart. Suddenly I'm so incomplete. Lord, I'm needing you now - tell me how to stop the rain, tears are falling down endlessly."  Now that the other person is gone, she realizes the place they held and the value that should have been given to the person and the relationship.  She feels a void in her heart now.
"You might say that it's over, you might say that you don't care, you might say you don't miss me, you don't need me. But I know that you do and I feel that you do inside."  In this last verse, there seems to be some determined hope.  She feels that, even though the person is gone, there is a possibility for reconciliation.  She knows that, despite the pain she has caused, there is still love in the other person's heart for her.  Because of that, even though it will take time for healing to happen and for love to win again, becoming the prevailing theme in their relationship, she wants to try.  She has realized how it is to be without, and she doesn't like it.

Day 356 - Love You More

So I was enjoying some Pandora and this song played.  I think I may have heard it once before, but it was such a sweet little song that I had to write about it. 

"I just don't know what else to say, baby.  There's really nothing left to say... there's really nothing more I can say, but I love you.  Listen... yeah...  I love you...  I love you... listen."  As he begins the song, he tries to explain, to put how he feels into words, but sometimes what you feel for someone just can't be articulated.  All you can really say is "I love you" as you allow that to encompass the depth and breadth of what you feel. 
"Since you came inside my life, you've given the best of you everyday and night.  I felt my happiness in you, make me wanna ride to the end of any valley.  Then you give me peace of mind. You bring me comfort to my soul, give me such a high. No I will never let you go.  Make me wanna fly to the top of every rainbow."  The presence of this love in his life has brought joy, empowerment, strength, energy, comfort, and inspiration.  He recognizes that he is being given the best - the heart and soul - of someone, and that is truly a beautiful, touching, loving thing for him.  Because of what he is being given on a consistent basis, he is inspired to reach greater heights in life, and his life has been immeasurably blessed and improved.
"I love you more everyday. You show me love in every way. There's nothing left for me to say, but I love you."  The chorus is a simple testament to the love that they share - the give and take.  With all that has come of what they have, all he can say is "I love you."  No other words can really capture it.
"So promise you'll never leave. You'll never say 'this is the end.'  You'll spend your life with me. You'll be my wife and my best friend, raise a family - something we both can treasure. Oh yeah. In the mean time, I'm gonna put in work. You gonna be fine - you'll never have to work. So won't you come and fly with me? Forever you and me - that's how it's supposed to be. I love you..."  Because of what he feels and what they share, he wants to be sure that things last forever.  For him, this isn't just another casual relationship, but he desires to see this one done the aisle and into a new dimension of relationship.  Until that time, they will continue to grow together, working at their relationship as friends and lovers.  He invites her to fly into eternity with him, because with a love like theirs, that's just how it should go.  He even offers to take care of her for life, giving of himself for her.
"I won't stop loving you, and I won't stop kissing you. You're the reason why I smile. And I won't stop holding you, and I won't stop loving you. You're the reason why I smile."  This woman is now the reason for his smile, and he has no desire to stop showing her the love and care that he feels she deserves for all she does and is in his life.  And while I would be cautious of making someone the whole reason that you smile, I do understand how people enter out lives and give us great experiences of joy, especially in the way that they love us.

Day 355 - I Refuse

As the sound of thunder and horses running fills my room, I am inspired by a quotation from my email today: “no one can create negativity or stress within you. Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world.” This little gem by Wayne Dyer goes along with some things I had been thinking as it relates to certain spaces in my life, and listening to “I Refuse” by the late Aaliyah just seems to ice the cake. Though this entry isn’t specifically about that song, it will touch on it a bit. What I appreciate about what Mr Dyer had to say is that it puts the responsibility of my attitude and emotional space on me. While it is true that other people can affect it by their actions, they aren’t the final say in how I feel. Being someone who tends to be very much affected by the emotions and actions of the people close to my heart, this was good news. I was aware, but it is always good to have a reminder. As I was explaining to someone the other day, peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of God, especially in the midst of something that should be stressing you. It’s just about where you choose to put your focus. The chorus to Aaliyah’s song goes right along with this. “I refuse to have one more sleepless night, I refuse to let a tear flow out my eye, I refuse to continue to try. Felt like I would die if I could break down and cry. I refuse to let you walk back through that door, I refuse to let you hurt me anymore, I refuse to continue to ignore the fact I fell to the floor the day you walked out my door. No way, I can’t take it, baby…. And I refuse to take it anymore.” Sure, she could continue to dwell on the relationship that hurt her or the negatives, but she has chosen not to do that. She is refusing to let the actions of another continue to plague her heart and soul. Now, this doesn’t mean that she didn’t feel the pain of what happened, because she did. She didn’t suppress her feelings or pretend that they weren’t there. She experienced them and even grieved. But now, since it’s clear that her best interests aren’t in the mind of her love, she is taking matters into her own hands, and she is deciding to shape her own emotional space. She will no longer allow the actions of another to hurt her. Yes, there was love attached, but the time has come for her to love herself more and make emotional decisions that will be to her benefit. Instead of continuing to allow the messages of pain and rejection to stay on repeat in her mind, she is changing the tune to one of strength and self-empowerment as she looks forward and not backward. So are there spaces in your life where people are treating you less than ideal? What can be done? For spaces, the other person has already moved on, and yours is simply to forgive and let it go so you can move on. For others, it is a relationship that remains and one that requires a conversation so that things can change in a positive way. And for others, it’s about making what one of my sisters calls “adjustments.” This is where, based on the level of relationship, you don’t feel the need for a conversation. You simply make internal changes in your attitude, energy, and relation with that person. The other person may not even notice, but you know within yourself that there are now certain boundaries that you will practice as a means of protecting yourself. Whatever the case may be, your emotional health is what’s most important, so take care of your heart. It’s difficult to share your heart with someone when it’s broken or hurting…

Day 354 - No Real Reason

“Do not seek the because – in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solution.” –Anais Nin

When I checked my email and saw this quotation, it made me smile.  It is very true that love tends to defy our reason.  In finding love in my way, there have been very few times, even as intellectual and “top-heavy” as I can be, when logic was the leading factor in matters of the heart.  Now, this doesn’t mean that I just jump into any of my relationships or hand out my heart to every other person who walks down the street.  There is some element of choice and decision in love and in relationships, because we can choose to engage or not to engage someone who your heart is leaning toward.  We have to choose to be open and choose to allow what we’re feeling to take root and grow. 

Yet, if you ask your heart why it chose who it chose, you won’t likely get an answer that will make sense.  In fact, you won’t get an answer.  The heart wants what it wants, and it doesn’t typically ask for permission when something or someone touches it.  There have been some moments when I have wondered why in the world I found myself having feelings for a particular person.  Sure, I could name the attributes in them that were desirable, but to actually understand why my heart had in essence wrapped itself around them, especially given the circumstances or what my brain knew to be slightly problematic, remains a mystery. 

But one of the things that I’ve learned in all of this is that there is a reason the heart finds refuge where it does.  It may not make sense to the mind, but the heart, in all its emotional fury, tends to find things can heal it in some way, even if it makes sense from no other angle.  And often, in the big scheme of things, the heart can jump into some that is ultimately not the best, because it only looks for what it resonates.  That is why the mind has to accompany the heart in decisions of relationship, because the heart knows what it wants, but the mind can help sort out the details.  Ultimately, there is no because, at least not in matters of the heart.  But as intelligent human beings, we have to balance the heart’s logic with the head’s logic in order to create a healthy environment for relationship.  Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you need to be together.  There have been people in life who I loved but who I don’t need to be in (life-long) relationship with.  Even though there is typically no because in the heart, the mind should probably find one to make things work.