Day 114 - Need

I have been pondering what to write about for today, and none of the songs I listened to were really getting it.  Then I had a conversation with a friend, and it became clear what I should talk about.  We were talking about some things I’ve been processing and where my mind was, and she said, “When you enter a relationship from a place of need, it’s easy for it to become dysfunctional real quick.”  I heard that and it stuck with me through the rest of the conversation. 

Now, we all have a basic need for love, just like we need air, water, food, and shelter.  Without love, we would internally shrivel and die just like our organs would without water.  The problem becomes when the need is a lack and hole that needs to be filled.  If how I act is directed at gaining love/acceptance as opposed to me just living life in my skin and giving/receiving love as it comes, there is a problem.  Now, I do believe that every relationship fills some type of need (whether we recognize it or not), but if we live our life in relationship for the sake of getting our needs met, we will always end up disappointed.  This is especially true if we expect anyone person to fulfill us, even if it is a spouse. 

When I relate from a place of need and brokenness, I leave myself open to be taken advantage of, because I may settle for anything in the name of receiving love and affection.  And even when the person genuinely loves me, they are unable to be the fulfillment of a hole left by someone else.  For instance, I realized that a lot of my need for love and affirmation came from my lack thereof as a child.  But if I were to expect a partner to give that to me, I would be expecting that person to do things that they are unable to do.  I need to have my own basis of affirmation within myself so that anything that a future partner brings will simply add to what is already there.  So I won’t look to that person to fulfill something that I’m lacking, which means I won’t be dependent on that person, putting undo pressure on them or the relationship.  That person cannot be God and cannot heal past issues. 

So think about what you feel you need and take some time to think about why.  Know that feeling a need is okay but knowing where the need comes from is better.