I have struggled with the traditional concept of femininity my entire life for various reasons, the main one being that it was always portrayed as weak, and since I’d felt weak and victimized more than I cared to, I ran from being “feminine.” Yet, as I have grown, I have seen that the way the media tends to portray the traditional, “accepted” femininity is a box of stereotypes decided on (primarily by men) and enforced via supposed norms.
In this society, gender is a major concern even from conception. Before the child takes it first breath outside of the womb, people are considered about whether a male or female is being born, because they need to know what colors to buy the child. It’s as if clothing color or the choice of toys will make a child more masculine or feminine out of the womb. A 3-month-old doesn’t know the difference between pink, blue, green, or fuchsia, but the society is beginning as early as possible to socialize girls to be girls and boys to be boys according to the established norms. The concern, of course, is in the mind of adults who want children to grow up in the traditional way (and preferably as heterosexual individuals).
As I meet new people and see people who don’t fit the traditional female mold, my mind is opened to the fact that femininity is not heels, make-up, and giggling. What makes something feminine is the fact that it’s done by a female or is considered feminine by whoever is doing it. Being that I’m a fan of “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” I appreciate that the ‘lady boys’ have their own grasp and embrace of femininity. Initially, I felt some type of way, because they appeared to be more feminine than I am, but I began to realize that they are embracing themselves as I am embracing myself. They have encouraged me to look at beauty, femininity, and acceptance of others in new ways.
There’s nothing wrong with traditional femininity, but when that is the standard and women feel that they have to fit within that mold, which kills authenticity and self-love. I tried to run from femininity, and then I tried to embody it, neither of which worked because neither of those extremes were really me. I will rock my 4.5” pumps and a fabulous skirt, but I’m just as comfortable in a fitted cap or huge baggy sweatpants (the kind I could fit 2 of myself in).
On the other side, masculinity has been similarly skewed. Anything less than a macho, thick-skinned, sports-loving, muscular, aggressive, sex-crazed beast is not a real man. Any male who is in any way sensitive or acts outside the “norm” can be called any number of painful names. The same is true for women who do. Most of the terms have to do with homosexual stereotypes, because that can be seen as the most non-masculine or non-feminine thing to be. Meant to be insults, these terms can hurt people no matter what their sexual orientation may be.
I, for one, say that learning to love yourself is easier when you can get beyond the boxes that society tries to place us in and live in ways authentic to who you are. If you’re biologically male but you want to be a princess or you just like glitter, I say have at it. If you’re biologically female, but you despise high heels or you’d rather wear coveralls than a dress, do what makes you happy. Never let anyone else’s hang-ups define you.
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