So, if you recall, I got some foot to @$$ the other day, and an important question was posed, both within me and by a dear friend: why are you afraid to grow up? Well, here's what I came up with:
· Fear of failure/inadequacy – these 2 things, though presented as 1 because they are so connected, are probably the core of this hesitation. I’ve been told all my life how much potential I have and how awesome I am, but my lack of self-esteem because of the other factors in my life have caused me to be fearful of my own hype. While I know that there is greatness there, I find it hard to believe that I have the ability to live it all out and be that great. I guess that’s why I do less and settle, because it’s easier than failing. I’ve had enough disappointment in my life from others… I feel like it’d be unbearable to fail in some way and disappoint myself as well. And I don’t want to disappoint all the people who see so much in me…. I think that I’ve also learned in life that when there are lower expectations, there is less disappointment if nothing happens. Therefore, instead of stepping out and having the possibility of failure, I just chill and trust that life will push me along and I’ll get to wherever I’m supposed to without really having to put myself out there. I also wonder if I’m good enough to know what I’m “gifted” at and get paid for it because it (whatever it is in totality) is so unconventional.
· Finances – I’ve been broke or near to it for most of my life. This is not something that I want to be a pattern for the rest of my life.
· Passion – I don’t wanna do a job that I hate for years in order to make a paycheck. I can’t live that empty, painful life as I see and hear about so many people doing.
· Responsibility – I think this part of the reason I don’t wanna have kids too. I don’t wanna have to be the person responsible for something. Sure, I pay my cell phone bill and a couple other small things, but I know that if something happens, I have my parents to fall back on, especially since I live in their house. When all else fails, they are there to help me out. As an adult, I don’t feel that I’ll have that same type of grace, and even though I know they wouldn’t leave me lacking if they can do something, I guess it’s the idea that adults are supposed to be independent…
· Child-like essence – I like being a kid. I think I missed some of my childhood because the domestic issues, and that may be part of why I feel compelled to have some of that now. But beyond that, I believe I’m a simple-hearted individual (which is necessary to balance all the depth), and I don’t want to lose that sense of wonder and ‘innocence’ and heart in the cares of the ‘adult’ world.
· Normality – part of me wants a ‘normal’ life. As much as I hate the idea of a typical 9 to 5, I would like to get a ‘normal’ job and move on the path toward a ‘normal’ life where I get my own place, ‘settle down,’ and live that way. This has less to do with fear of growing up and more to do with fear of my calling and all that it will require of me. I was so ready for normalcy that I ran from the thought of school, but it’s quite interesting that I find myself potentially headed back in that direction. And admittedly, sitting in the classroom today felt… I don’t know, but I think I liked it more than I wanna admit at this point of my life.
As my sister friend told me later, "it's time to deal with it head on so you can fully blossom into the beautiful young woman you are. The fear is gonna hold you back and the world needs to hear from you." It helps to know I'm loved and to love myself enough to face my fear and move forward, knowing that beautiful things await.
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