Day 213 - Mirrors Part 1

There are some observations that I made the other day in thinking about relationships and I want to take a second to examine them.

It’s been said that you should watch the company you keep and that those who you surround yourself with speak to who you are.  While I’ve always heard such things, I’m not sure I always believed it.  But if you think about it, it’s true.  People tend to flock to others based on the similarities between them, because there is common ground upon which they can share.  As humans, we have a tendency to categorize people and interact with people based on the category in which we put them.  We know that conflict is inevitable in human relationships, so in order to minimize it, we tend to start with people who appear to offer the least amount of conflict.  Even in places where the people all appear to be fairly similar, there can be further divisions.  For instance, even at the black seminary that I attended where we were pretty much all black and Christian and preachers (to one degree or another), we divided along lines of age, theology (conservative or liberal), gender, work ethic, etc. 

I’m not saying that this is a bad thing.  It is where things like prejudice and stereotypes can come from, but that’s only if we never take time to examine our categories.  But it can be a helpful tool as well, because it can show us how we see ourselves based on the people who are closest to us.  Based on those closest to me, if they are a true reflection of how I see myself, I am a strong, intelligent, loving, black, Christian woman with a great inclination toward the spiritual and a serious love for fun.  While there are variations among us that make some of those categories mean different things, I’d say that my friends accurately reflect how I see myself, and I’m happy with that picture.  When was the last time you examined those closest to you and assessed whether they reflect who you are or who you’d like to be?  The beauty of my closest friends is that they don’t just reflect where I am.  Because I have a tendency to be close to older people, they can reflect where I’d like to be as well.  I told one of my friends that she is what I want to be when I grow up, because she embodies the things I’d like to be and do.  With her being in my life, I can have a clear picture of where I’d like to be so I know that it’s possible and someone to help me get there.

And of course, the best relationships will always help us to grow and change.  Even the bad ones can do that (we just have to watch how we change as a result), but it’s important to understand that we most likely allow most people to be in our inner circle because we see a bit of ourselves in them, and we feel comfortable relating with someone who resonates with us in some way.

Day 212 - On Guard

Proverbs 4:23 - "Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts." (MSG)

So, I rarely blog about scriptures, but I think this one is appropriate.  It touches on the entry from yesterday about brick walls and such.  I like this particular translation, because it says to keep vigilant watch over your heart, because the heart is where life comes from.  This makes perfect sense to me - you don't want to walk around with your heart in your hand (or on your sleeve as the saying goes), because the heart is a sensitive thing, and it can very easily be damaged.  That is why so many people are walking around hurt and bleeding, because proper care was not taken.  And even when it was, defenses can be surpassed and emotional trauma can occur in the best of situations. 

The issue is when this vigilant watch goes overboard.  Some translations say to "guard your heart."  When I picture a guarded heart, I think about walls and an armed guard outside the gate.  This is probably not a healthy portrayal, but I think it's accurate given the way some people act and live their (emotional) lives.  And this is where the brick walls and such come into play.  

As with everything in life, I believe balance is key.  There's no need to be all Fort Knox about your heart, but you shouldn't be walking around with it in the palm of your hand as you go down the street.  Keeping vigilant watch sounds appropriate, because it means you are intentional and mindful of what is going on, enough to have some control over what goes on, but at the same time, there is still a freedom for the heart to explore and feel and such.  

And it is more than true that life comes from the heart.  I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and she was telling me about a friend who was having some relationship issues.  Because of this, it was affecting EVERYTHING else in her life.  When your heart is hurting, the rest of you will likely find it very difficult to function in any sort of decent way.  A broken heart can make the rest of life feel that it's not worth living, so it's important to pay attention to what's going on with your emotional space.  Now, sometimes things happen outside of our control, because the heart is an extremely sensitive instrument that can move faster than we intend, but being watchful of both your heart and the things going on around you that could affect your heart will help to keep some things in better shape.  And vigilance can also be helpful when hurt does happen, because you can know right away and address things as opposed to waiting for years and doing much more damage in the process.

Day 211 - Brick Walls

I was having a conversation recently with a friend of mine, and as I looked at her, even as we were laughing and joking, I got the sense as if I was looking at a brick wall.  Now, my initial reaction was one of confusion, considering she’s a human being, but as I thought a little deeper about it, I realized that she (and a few other people I know) have brick wall tendencies.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been knocking down some of my own brick walls and removing my own shell that I’m better able to see them in other folks.  Or maybe it’s my sensitivity to such things (brick walls, emotional space, barriers, etc) and my discernment.  Either way, I’ve encountered at least 4 in the past couple weeks, and it’s time that I address them.

The major reason that I see that people have brick walls in place is because of prior hurt.  Now, this is quite understandable.  It’s a natural defense mechanism to try to preserve self, particularly after an injury of the heart.  This is typically done by hiding the heart and the self in order to keep it from being hurt… and this can be good for a brief period after the hurt, in which time you allow some healing to take place.  It becomes a problem when this becomes a way of living life and permanently operating.  This can be especially true when you have a lot going on or you are tired, and it’s easier to sit behind a wall than to really engage the world around you.

These brick walls can come in many forms – see if you can recognize yours or that of someone you know:

·        Sarcasm (one of my personal favorites) – while it can be a way of being humorous, sarcasm also has a tendency to be a coping mechanism as well.  It can be a passive-aggressive way of sharing serious things in a humor-infused way so as to take the pressure off of a situation.  This way, I don’t have to be confrontational about my feelings, but I can still express them in a way that may cause you to feel some of the sting that I feel.  The humor also keeps a safe distance between me and whatever feelings I express just in case you don’t actually take my comment seriously.

·        Coolness (also seen as apathy or indifference) – this is where there is a mask in place (that may even be smiling), but it is clear that the person isn’t fully connected to what’s being shared.  They hear and respond, but only on a surface level.  You may even get the sense that the person is there but not fully, and you’d be right.  They are there enough to interact, but they are keeping enough of themselves back to feel safe.

·        Shyness – this one can be confused with people who are genuinely quiet, but it has a painful dimension of fear that makes socializing something of a nightmare.  A shy person will oftentimes refuse to talk, because talking equates to opening up and being vulnerable, and this is an unimaginable feat.  Even answering a question in class can be a life-altering moment, and if the answer is wrong or rejected in any way, it can be a personal blow that causes the shy person to further shut down.  While this barrier doesn’t typically look like a brick wall, it’s just as impenetrable. 

·        Mystery – this is one that I hadn’t thought about until recently, but it is one that I know I’ve used myself.  Because I am a word person, I know how to say (or not say) things in ways that work to my advantage.  I have a friend who says that you have to ask the right question to get the right answer, and such allusiveness is part of mystery.  It’s a way of hiding.  This can also include half truths and other means of indirect deception. 

·        Strength – this one is tricky, because it typically comes out of genuine strength.  I know a lot of people (myself included) who have been through some tough, tragic things, and these events have made them have to become strong people in order to survive.  This is not a bad thing, because without finding that inner strength that we all possess, we would crumble under the pressures of life.  However, such strength can cause emotional issues when that strength becomes our cover and protection from any real emotional involvement/investment.  For a long time, I defined strength as society tends to – rational, reasonable, and emotionless.  Showing emotion and “weakness” were sure ways of getting myself hurt again, so I had to be “strong.”  Little did I know, this was creating a severe barrier between myself and the rest of the world, disabling my ability to connect with others in a meaningful way.  The façade of strength is one that looks tough and macho (and can even seem impressive in its fortitude), but it tends to have an edge to it that looks like bravado and is made of fear.  True strength doesn’t need an ice shield or a bull horn – it just exists.   It also knows how to be flexible (which is a true test of strength), allowing for openness and change when necessary.

As a person who has used all of these brick walls (and probably a few others), I’m quite aware how they work (and from the other side, how they appear and feel to the people receiving them).  I can tell you that it’s about as painful to be behind the wall as it is to stand in front of it.  Having seen as many as I have recently (but also being able to sense the hearts behind them), I have been moved to encourage you to examine your own barriers.  I’m not saying to run naively into the world, sharing all of yourself with everyone.  There are some very hurt and malicious people who will hurt you.  And there are some serious dangers to sharing certain parts of yourself in certain contexts. 

But what I am saying is that you cannot live your entire life with barriers and walls in place and expect to be happy or fulfilled.  Not only do the ways keep others out, but they have a way of keeping you isolated.  And that keeps you away from your true self, because (as much as who you are exists within you) the self is formed in community.  I understand being hurt, I understand wanting to hide, I understand wanting to protect yourself, whether it’s in friendships, romantic relationships, or life in general.  But walls are not your friend.  A picket fence possibly, because it still allows things in and out while maintaining some sense of safety, but a brick wall serves no one. 

I challenge you to take a look at your bricks.  Who or what is written on them?  How long have the bricks been there?  What’s holding them together?  Are those things still a part of your life?  Is there a need to reinterpret those events through the lens of what you have learned since they happened?  For example, I know that a lot of the stuff that happened to me as a child became the bricks of my walls, but as I’ve gotten older and I have a greater understanding of things, I can see that what my 10 year old brain saw as rejection, my 26 year old brain can see as jealousy or the insecurities of other projected on to me.  When I see things that way, I can understand that I don’t have to continue to carry that feeling of being ugly or unacceptable, because I’m not. 

Here are a few truths to get you started:

·        I do not have to save the world.  In fact, I can’t save the world.  But I can take care of myself.

·        I’m not ugly.  Period.  It doesn’t matter who disagrees, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in my eyes (and the eyes of my Creator who made me as I am), I’m beautiful.

·        The only person I can really make happy and please is me.  While I care about other people’s feelings, their feelings cannot rule my life.

·        I’m not in control.  Sure, there are some things I can control, but overall, life is like the ocean.  Most of the time, I just have to let the current take me where it may, and I can do my best to stir my boat. 

·        Not everyone in life (every man, every woman, every Christian, every white person, every black person, every person of X group) is out to get me or going to hurt me.  No, not everyone is nice or as loving as they should be, but I don’t have to be afraid of everyone either.

·        Not everyone can handle my stuff, but they’re not meant to.  At the same time, there are people who can handle it, and who are willing to – I just have to let them. 

·        Relationships take work, but just because there is a tough time in a relationship doesn’t mean that it has to end – it means that it’s time for the participants in the relationship to grow.

Day 210 - Ribbon in the Sky

I have always thought that this song was absolutely beautiful.  And now that I’ve sat with it, I can see even more of the beauty of it.  Stevie Wonder, hats off to you.

“O so long for this night I prayed that a star would guide you my way to share with me this special day.   Well, a ribbon’s in the sky for our love.”  It has been a lifelong dream that the singer found someone to share love with him.  He prayed for a divine love, guided by a star.  And it seems that such a love has been found, and a ribbon in the sky (presumably a rainbow) is there as a symbol of their relationship and the covenant that they share.

“If allowed, may I touch your hand, and if pleased, may I once again?  So that you too will understand there’s a ribbon in the sky for our love.”  This seems to be a moment where vulnerability and openness are being asked for.  When beginning the venture into a new love, it takes a great deal of strength and courage to really launch into that space of being open enough to let someone really get to know you.  I appreciate that he is respectful and patient enough to ask, not rushing things but making it known that he has intentions toward love in this relationship.  And the ribbon in the sky seems to be the assurance that this will be more than just a fling.

“This is not a coincidence and for more than a lucky chance, but what it is that was always meant is our ribbon in the sky for our love.”  When real love happens, it’s not just a coincidence or an event of chance.  It comes as the result of divine movement and orchestration, as symbolized by the ribbon in the sky.

“We can’t lose with God on our side.  We’ll find strength with each tear we cry.  From now on, it will be you and I and our ribbon in the sky.”  It’s been said that when God is the third part of the relationship, said relationship will bring life and success (even if it is only seasonal).  And when relationship goes through ups and downs, tears (whether happy or sad) have the ability to build a stronger connection between people because it is shared/expressed emotions.  Because of the depth of things, the singer is set on making this something that will last forever…

Day 209 - I'd Rather

It’s been about a thousand years since I heard this song.  As I was talking to one of my friends about a relationship situation that she’s dealing with, it brought the chorus of the song to mind….

“I thought some time alone was what we really needed.  You said this time would hurt more than it helped, but I couldn’t see that.  I thought it was the end of a beautiful story, so I left the one I love at home to be alone.  And I tried and found that this one thing is true – that I’m nothing without you.  I know better now and I’ve had a change of heart.”  This appears to be a romantic relationship where the singer thought a break was in order, so he takes off.  While his partner was in disagreement, his mind was set on leaving, and he did.  Unfortunately for him, things didn’t work out as he would have liked, and life without his friend a sad state, one that he didn’t want to live in.  Time apart has taught him the value of what they had, causing him a change of heart and a desire to be reunited.

“I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else.  I’d rather be beside you in a storm than safe and warm by myself.  I’d rather have hard times together than to have it easy apart.  I’d rather have the one who holds my heart.”  The chorus talks about his important revelation – he would rather go through the struggles of relationship and the storms of life with his partner than to have an easy journey by himself.  This may seem contradictory, because most people don’t ever wish for the storms and trials and hard times in life, but the singer has realized that his life is more fulfilled with his partner in his life.  For him, if the only way to have his friend in his life is with some struggles, then he will happily put on a poncho and endure.  This is quite a testament to what they shared, and even though he walked away from it before (presumably because of the hard times), he has no desire to make that mistake again.  When you’re willing to go through the hard stuff with someone, a strong, mature love is most likely the reason.

“So I met someone and thought she could replace you.  We got along just fine but wasted time because she was not you.  We had a lot of fun, though we knew we were faking.  Love was not impressed with our connection built on lies.  So I’m here cuz I found this one thing is true - – that I’m nothing without you.  I know better now and I’ve had a change of heart.”  The singer met someone new and hoped to continue life as usual, but it’s clear from this verse that this new person couldn’t come close to what he had with his previous friend.  It was fun and he could have possibly even forced it to work, but his love for the other person made it impossible.  No need faking and hurting someone else in the process – he had to be authentic about his feelings and what he wanted.  Now, maybe this was because he didn’t take time to heal before pursuing someone else, but I suspect that it’s because the previous love still resonated and was the relationship that he needed all along. 

“I can’t blame you if you turn away from me like I’ve done you.  I can only prove the things I say with time.  Please be mine!”  It seems as though the lesson he had to learn has affected the heart of the other person.  He understands the hurt and the anger, but he hopes that he will be given a second chance.  After all, his friend did say that it wouldn’t help and that it would hurt, but he had his mind made up.  Sometimes it seems easier to run than to stay and face a situation.  And sometimes, we have to learn the hard way to appreciate what we had.  But because he has now come to his senses, he wants a chance to prove his love and be where he was most likely meant to be all along.