Day 128 - Spotlight

I'm a fan of Jennifer Hudson's music, and I like this song.  I'm writing about this song, because it's more true than I realized when I first heard it, and it think it speaks to a larger issue, but we'll get there in a few.  Let's get into the lyrics.
"Are you a man who loves and cherishes and cares for me?  Is that you?  Are you a guard in a prison
Maximum security?  Is that you? Do we stay home all the time cuz you want me to yourself, or am I locked away out of fear that I'll find someone else?"  When asking these questions in a relationship, there is legitimate concern.  These may be red flags of things like insecurity and possibly indications that control and abuse could be in the future.  And the chorus makes it clear that Jennifer is aware of the insecurity and desires to set her friend's mind at ease: "Well, I don't like living under your spotlight just because you think I might find somebody worthy.  Well, I don't like living under your spotlight.  Baby, if you treat me right, you won't have to worry."  She sees his concern, but the manifestation thereof is concerning her, because she feels like she is under a protective order out of fear.
"Is this a relationship fulfilling your needs as well as mine, or is this just my sentence - am I doing time?  If this is love - real, real love - then I'm saying no doubt, but if I'm just a prisoner then I'm busting out."  This is a real question that she asks.  Because of the insecurity and the rules that most likely come with it, this becomes less a relationship where 2 people share love and space and more of a prison where someone is held at the will of another.  She is willing to be in a relationship, but she is not willing to endure a prison sentence just to say that she has a significant other. 
"Oh, you oughta be ashamed of yourself.  What the hell do you think you're doing?   Loving me, loving me so wrong.  Baby, all I do is try to show you that you're my one and only guy no matter who may come along.  Open your eyes."  At this point, she is calling him out on his insecurity, calling him wrong.  She's refuting his jealousy by saying that she is committed to him and that her actions have shown that. 
One of the best things about this song is that she recognizes the problem and she is willing to part with him if he doesn't change his controlling ways.  This speaks to 2 important truths.  The first is that you have to be willing to remove yourself from an unhealthy situation even when it involves someone you love.  The second is that insecurities will cost you good relationships, so take the time to work through insecurities and not allow past baggage to get in the way of something beautiful, especially a relationship with healing potential.

Day 127 - Only Love

I was reflecting on a conversation Saturday, and it made me realize that love often pushes boundaries and says things to/of us that can only acceptably be said in a loving relationship.  In other words, love creates space and privileges within a relationship that are not present in most other situations.  I'll list a few and you see if this is true or not of love:

• Only love will let someone comment on your anatomy (in public) and let them live to see another day.
• Only love will hold back someone from responding when "insulted" in public (be it the love within that person or the love in someone else who intervenes).
• Only love will allow you to go to places you don't want to go purely for the sake of being with the one(s) you love because they asked.
• Only love will allow a parent to say 'I love you' over and over to a child who is unable to return the words (whether it's because the child's too young to speak, emotionally unable to connect, or too far into their own stuff to hear it).
• Only love will get up at the crack of dawn to go to work till it's dark outside to provide for those unable to provide for themselves.
• Only love will sit with you as you sort yourself out, whether with tissues, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a pillow to hit/scream into, or just the ministry of presence that says I will be with you all the way through.
• Only love has the strength to see someone in a vulnerable place (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially) and not take advantage to fulfill their own needs.
• Only love can see and will provide for you that you which don't have the words to articulate or even know to need.
• Only love can still see the beauty and the greatness when the flaws and issues make themselves apparent.
• Only love will have the patience to not only watch but help you grow through your baggage, mess, insecurities, and flaws, especially when such causes things like attitude, sarcasm, shutting down, etc.
• Only love answers the phone "after hours" to sit on the phone for a word of advice or just so you're not alone.
• Only love will put its needs/desires to the side to help attend to someone else's.
• Only love knows when to say 'no' as a means of helping someone to grow.
• Only love takes the time to learn someone in order to bless their lives (and not to manipulate them for their own gain).
• Only love will give love when it has nothing to gain.

There are many more things that only real love will do.  Feel free to comment and add more... and remember to seek and give love like there's nothing else in the world (because really, there isn't).

Day 126 - Naked Intimacy

This picture of Yoko Ono and John Lennon is a beautiful one to me, because it shows a man who is not afraid to be vulnerable.  It’s one thing for women to be willing to be vulnerable, but in American society, it’s even more rare to find a man who is willing to be vulnerable to the point of being naked and taking the more “feminine” role of being seen as gentle.  His love for his significant other is such that he is willing to literally be naked – not only with her but in front of a camera in a time where sex does not seem to be the objective. 

How naked are you willing to be with those you love?  It’s been said that everything is not for everybody, and that is certainly true.  The question I ask, though, is how many people (if any) can you fully and completely let your hair down with?  I mean people with whom you can and do share at least 99% of yourself and your stuff with.  I’m very blessed to have a few of those people in my life.  We have a closeness and an intimacy as sisters that allow us to be about as naked as John Lennon in this photo.  It can be a very isolated space to feel that you don’t have anyone with whom you can share yourself authentically and completely.  For a long time, I felt that way, which messed with my self-esteem (I didn’t think who I was would be acceptable if shared, thus I wasn’t worthy of love based on who I was).  But it’s an absolutely beautiful thing to have people with whom I can really share myself and who love me and encourage me to open up and accept what I have to share.

So I encourage you to first find space to be able to be naked with yourself.  You cannot be intimate and naked and open with anyone until you can do so with yourself.  And once you begin doing this with yourself, take the time to cultivate your relationships and see who you can be open with.  I’m fairly certain that there should be at least one person in your life with whom you can be open.  :)

Day 125 - There Goes My Baby

I absolutely LOVE this song, and I'm surprised I haven't written about it prior to now.  It's a song that I loved upon hearing it and have smiled at every time I heard it since.  Let's start with my favorite part of the song:

"I've been waiting all day to wrap my hands around your waist and kiss your face - wouldn't trade this feeling for nothing, not even for a minute. And I'll sit here long as it takes to get you all alone, but as soon as you come walking my way, you gon hear me say, 'there goes my baby (oo girl look at you).  You don't know how good it feels to call you my girl.  There goes my baby.  Loving everything you do.  Ooo girl, look at you."  When I hear this part, I think about the tender moments and the anticipation of  shared physical intimacy.  But not only that, I think about how proud Usher is to call his girl just that.  He's genuinely excited about the privilege of calling this lovely lady his love and his girl.  

"Bet you ain't know that I be checking you out when you be putting your heels on. I swear your body's so perfect, baby.  How you work it, baby, yeah. I love the way that you be poking it out, girl, give me something to feel on.  So please believe we gone be twerking it out by the end of the night baby.

I get the chills whenever I see your face and you're in the place girl.  Feel like I'm in a movie, baby, I'm like oowee baby oh.  Like waterfalls your hair falls down to your waist - can I get a taste, girl?  No need to keep this baby, I ain't ashamed of calling your name, girl."  These 2 verses talk about the admiration that he has for her physical appearance and presence.  He likes to watch her, appreciating her shape, her movement, her flow, and he is still impressed, even entranced by her beauty.  And he wants to make it clear again that she is the one, so there's no need to hide or creep, because she is his girl and none other.

"And girl I feel like it's our first time every time we get together.  Baby, loving you feels better than everything, anything.  Put on my heart, you don't need a ring, and I promise our time away won't change my love." This may be my second favorite part of the song.  There is a sweetness that says that their love, though it's been going on for a while, still invigorates him and feels new.  And the commitment that he has to her needs no ring as proof or manifestation - his covenant love is in his heart.  And it appears that he believes the old adage - "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  Even in their time apart (presumably because he's a singer), his love remains her, and she will still be his girl whether he's on the road or in her arms. 

Day 124 - Patience

"Love is patient..." 
Working every other day with a child of 18 months has made this word "patient" a very real necessity in my life.  Patient, defined as "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like," is admittedly a very difficult thing to be at times, especially when the baby is pushing limits and buttons or crying for no apparent reason.  As much as it's important when dealing with a child, it's equally if not more important to have when living in relationship.  
I will use myself as an example.  I am blessed to have some really good, close friends, and at times I wonder how they can stand me.  Don't get me wrong - I'm a pretty amazing person and I try to take very good care of people with whom I'm in relationship....  But there are times when I can be lazy, mean (sarcasm being my weapon of choice), mildly violent (I don't usually hit hard though), insecure, stubborn, and childish.  I'm sure my friends could add to that list.  But the beauty for me of them being my friends is that, because they love me as much as they do, they bear with my minor annoyances (and happily correct them at times) in an effort to maintain the relationship (and make me better).  
Is it always easy to deal in patience with someone's flaws or particular communication style or habits?  No.  That's why it's called patience.  You have to make the conscious and intentional decision to deal calmly with something that may frustrate you greatly.  This isn't to say that you have patience with everything or that your patience never ends with certain things.  My friends often have to "encourage" me in looking for a job, even though I know it's something I need to do.  But they shouldn't have to be patient with me if I'm complaining about being broke while not looking for a job.  
How much patience is to be extended and for what is decided on an individual relationship basis, but I encourage you to be more patient with others than you would want others to be with you.  Of course, do use wisdom - don't let your patience become detrimental enabling. 

Day 123 - Lacette Cross

Lacette Cross is definitely one of the beautiful people I spoke about in yesterday's entry.  

Since I met her at her STVU orientation, I felt drawn to her, like she was just one of those people who I needed to know (I didn't understand the concept of beautiful people yet).  We shared a sexuality class, and I noticed that she had a cool, wise, “unassuming” presence that caught my attention.  When she came to hear me preach at Bible Study and I barely knew her, I was honored and happy, and it was clear that she was a genuine, loving person.  I also soon realized that she was a diva.  She took over my position as RA in the dorm, so we talked a lot about that and about dorm and middler life.  And all along, even before I really recognized it, there was just something about just being present with her….  During Ellison we reconnected and joined forces with our other sister friends.  I began to see that she was more than a diva with a big heart.  She was a gifted woman who was safe space and wisdom.  It made sense that she was the trunk to our tree and she was like another mother and sister to me.  While I’ve had numerous friends throughout my life, it was rare that I found ones with whom I could truly share mutual relationship.  

The main thing she's taught me is how to look at love in a more open and holistic way.  When I had conversations with her, it reminded me of All About Love by bell hooks, and it seemed that she’d found a way to put a lot of what I’d read into practice.  As she explained that she was open to love in whatever form it came and she explained her journey, I began to wonder if such was a possibility for me.  Through her loving, authentic example, I've begun to open my mind to the endless possibilities of love, and I'm thankful for her opening the door and showing me the way.  She's been gracious and patient, not only with me but with everyone she meets.  We often tease her for her social worker tendencies in dealing with people, whether it's asking a million questions or talking/listening to any and everyone.  As much as I pick with her, I know that appreciate her generous nature and the safe space that her presence naturally creates.   I wouldn't trade our time and conversations for anything in the world.

So to one of my closest friends and sisters, to a truly beautiful person, I say Happy birthday, Lacette!  I love you.

Day 122 - Beautiful People

In my life, I have had the great privilege to meet and know some AMAZING people.  And I don't mean people who are celebrities or who are rich and famous or anything like that.  I mean people who know (or at least have a pretty good idea) what it means to live and exude the presence of the Divine.  These are beautiful whose very presence and spirit are uplifting and peaceful at the same time.  While they are not all the same by any stretch of the imagination, they share similar attributes that gain them the label "beautiful."  Now, this is not to say that every person alive is not beautiful in his or her own way, but some people have realized it and show it in most amazing ways.

• Confidence - the inner assurance of one's self that is lived and manifested with a powerful walk and strength of voice.  Now, this is not to be confused with the false confidence/bravado that puts "swag" into the walk and "bass" into the voice of so many people.  Some of the most insecure people put on the best act and the most confident face, but this is only a cover.  Real confidence doesn't need to pronounce itself - it simply is because it flows from the essence of one's being.  There is no striving to attain or to be or to live... it's just easy.  This isn't to say that this person never has insecure moments, but overall, they are strong enough within to be at ease and put others at ease.
• Strength - the power to be and work through most any situation in a healthy way.  Being beautiful in a world of advertising that preys on people's insecurities to get them to buy beauty products and aids that we don't really need is a tough thing to do.  This isn't to vilify make-up or nice clothes or the newest weight loss drug or anything like that, but it does remind us that true confidence can be hard to get and maintain when we're constantly told that we need improving.  And our relationships with other people aren't always the most helpful in this aspect either.  It usually takes going through some things and some years to gain enough strength to stand on our own two feet and live our beauty.  After some battles with self and others, we can find the strength to believe in our Creator and our creation.
• Divine Connection - in my experience, you don't typically exude beauty without being in touch with the Source of all beauty.  Whatever name you call God matters not - what matters is that you are aware of the Divine and attempt to live in the beauty thereof.  Not to sound spooky, but you are sensitive to changes in the atmosphere, to the feelings of others, and to what is seen and not seen. You most likely maintain some sense of connection by prayer or meditation or other spiritual discipline/practice.
• Wisdom - an intelligence that comes from experience (both your own and that of others).  As I talked about, strength has to be gained to find/maintain one's beauty, and in gaining strength, you tend to gain the wisdom of your experiences.  Now, anyone can go through something, but it takes focus and introspection to find the lesson(s) in what we go through.  With that, wisdom is gained so that you can know and do better in your own life and so that you can teach others to do better.
• Compassion/Heart for Others - the willingness to share with and care for others.  Without a heart to help other people, you can be confident and strong and wise but never do any good.  I find it hard to believe that you can be authentically connected in relationship with the Divine and not have compassion for the pain and needs of others.  Most, if not all of what happens to us in life is a tool for our strengthening and a tool for instructing/encouraging others.  I've often been amazed at the things that I've had to deal with that have ended up helping other people.  But my experience can't help others if I'm not willing to share and pass on what I've learned.  

Think about the people you've met who you just felt that there was just something different about them (in a good way).  They may have been a beautiful person whose footsteps are grace, whose words are peace, and whose actions are love.  And know that you too can be beautiful no matter what your family, your "friends," your enemies, or popular media says.  Become more acquainted with yourself through introspection, and be open to who you are and can be.  While beauty isn't easy to gain, it's a worthwhile pursuit.
BE BEAUTIFUL...