Day 172 - The Reason

I was thinking about the entry from yesterday, and I think that this song connects in a way.  The first time I heard this song was at UVA, and one of my beautiful people friends was singing it.  She was going hard, and initially I was just laughing at her, but as I listened to the words, I began to appreciate the song itself.

“I’m not a perfect person.  There’s many things I wish I didn’t do, but I continue learning.  I never meant to do those things to you, and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know...”  The singer is acknowledging that he can basically be a mess, but he is willing to learn from his mistakes.  He realizes that his actions have been hurtful to the one he loves, and he wants the person to know what he has realized and found as a result of what’s happened.

“I found a reason for me to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new and the reason is you.”  The singer has met someone who inspires him to be better than he was before.  While he previously did things that hurt the person he was in relationship with, he has since seen the pain he caused and come to himself.  He has been inspired to change and start afresh, not necessarily out of internal motivation to be better but out of love for someone else.  While I think that internal motivation tends to be a better reason for wanting to change, at times it takes a push from an external motivator to get the ball rolling.  And once the ball gets going, you can feel so great about growing and changing that you continue the work for yourself.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you.  It’s something I must live with everyday.  And all the pain I put you through – I wish that I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all your tears.  That’s why I need you to hear…”  While it’s not clear what the specific hurt endured is, it’s clear that whatever he did was painful for the person in his life.  It may have been infidelity or abuse.  Or, if this wasn’t a romantic relationship, maybe he betrayed someone’s trust or he did something like drugs or another destructive behavior that hurt him (and by relationship, hurt his friend).  The desire to be the one who dries the tears leads me to believe that the relationship may be over since he doesn’t have access to comfort his friend.  So, instead of being able to comfort with presence, his words are to be an assurance that he has changed.  Even if they are no longer in relationship, he still wants her to know that he’s been inspired to change.

“I found a reason to show a side of me you didn’t know, a reason for all that I do, and the reason is you.”  It appears that he has known that there is more to him, but for whatever reason, he’d kept it hidden.  Now, motivated by the situation with his friend, he’s been inspired to show another side of himself (presumably one that is better and will keep him from hurting people in the future). 

I have definitely had some help and motivation in becoming a better – some from within and some from the people who have shown that they love me and that they want the best for me.  This has been especially true when I have seen that what I am doing hurts someone.  I’m thankful for the many reasons I’ve had to change and grow. 

Day 171 - Capacity

“Our capacity to love is not limited; time is a constraint and so is energy, but love that makes your life better gives you more of what you need.” –Amy Bloom

I’m inclined to agree with the fact that our capacity to love is unlimited.  Unfortunately, we aren’t typically aware the size and depth of our capacity.  In other words, we are able to love without limit, but we don’t typically allow our love to stretch that far.  In our everyday lives, we are not pushed to love in true holistic ways that challenge us.  It’s easy to love and hang out and relate in surface relationships, but when we are pushed to really love someone in ways that stretch us, then we begin to wonder about our capacity to love.  This questioning is especially pertinent when we have dealt with situations that called themselves love but left us feeling anything but. 

The last portion of the statement is key – “love that makes your life better gives you more of what you need.”  Many things can call themselves love or even dress in love’s clothing, but if you aren’t made better overall (even if it challenges and pushes you, making you better through personal growth) after having been a part of the experience, then I would be so bold as to say that it might not have been genuine love.  One of my sister friends recently tweeted that “healthy relationships require honest self-analysis and reflection.  They require us to do the hard work.”  And no statement has ever been truer.  The necessary introspection and attention to self and others in relationship created growth and personal improvement, and this is what gives you more of what you need in life – love. 

Time and energy are both valuable resources, but they both come with limits.  There is only so much time in a day, and even though I would love to spend every waking moment with my loved ones, we have lives and so time is limited.  Even if I live with someone, the nature of life limits our time together.  And there are only so many shots of 5-hour energy, cups of coffee, and bottles of Coke before you eventually are worn out and must rest.  Yet, when we are open to love, the only limit to it is how much we are willing to give and share.  It is possible to have a gallon-sized bottle but only a cup of actual liquid.  We all have the capacity to love immensely and unconditionally, but we may only currently have the ability (and willingness) to love out of our own need for love.

I challenge you to search your own capacity for love.  Have you ever been challenged to love someone when it wasn’t easy or when it may have been questioned by others?  Maybe you’ve been challenged to love in a way that has pushed you to change (ideally for the better) or in ways that have made you have to re-examine yourself?  For example, being in relationship with my sister friends makes me have to push myself to be and do the best I can, because they are doing so, and I can’t be a slacker while hanging with people who are on the move.  This not only means vocationally, but because of the level on which we relate to each other, that also means emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well.  It means that I allow them to love me in a way that both allows and creates deep intimacy.  Because of the love they give to me, I am pushed to love in a new way that pushes my boundaries of trust, emotional faculties, and my view of myself and relationships.  I didn’t think I could love and be loved this much in a healthy, authentic way, but because of them, I’ve seen more of my own capacity to love and gained a greater understanding of the capacity of people to love (esp. when informed by the Divine).    

Day 170 - I Need Love

I appreciate this song on a number of levels, partially because it speaks to where we all find ourselves at one time or another.  There is nothing that connects human beings universally like our need for love.  If nothing else is true about all humans, it can be said for everyone that we need love, period.
"Love, you said you'd never go away, but you're gone, and I'm right back where I used to be, wondering if you really were for me.  Love, why did you have to go away?  There was so much love that I gave to you.  Is there someone out there with a love that is true?"  I love "love" and feel that it is the single thing in the world that would change everyone's life for the better.  Unfortunately, most people see love as this first verse depicts it: unreliable, fleeting, painful.  Our songstress today asks love why it had to leave despite its promises to stay, feeling abandoned and depleted, having invested her own love into the situation.  And unfortunately, we're either taught or shown in our relationships that love will do exactly this, causing us to not trust love.
"I need love - somebody to touch me, somebody who wants to be with me only.  I need love - somebody to hold me, tell me that they love me, never gonna let me go."  Yet, the chorus shows the other side of the paradox - despite the fact that our "love" experiences tend to hurt us, we still long for it.  She recognizes her need for love and defines more specifically what she expects in that love situation - physical affection, fidelity, intimacy, verbal affirmation, and consistency/commitment.  These are specific and important desires for a good love relationship, and by making her requests known, she has laid the groundwork so that anyone who pursues her in love has an idea of what she will want/need in the relationship.
"Love, I don't think I have much more to give to no one else.  Maybe it's time for me to be by myself, because it hurts to much to put my love on the shelf.  Love, it's so hard to let it go, when you're longing for love.  I'll let go and I hope that it's true.  When it's real love, it will come back to you."  At this point, she may feel like giving up, because she's invested too much previously and not gotten a great return on said investment.  She feels that maybe being single would be a wise course of action, because it is hard to extend love with the uncertainty of being loved in return.  Now, I'm an advocate for being single, especially when you've recently come out of a relationship.  Proper introspection and healing are often necessary, especially depending on the level and length of relationship, but many people jump from one to another with little attention to their emotional/mental state.  However, this is no excuse to hide from love either, using a past hurt as a reason to close off your heart and ignore love all together.  Take time to heal, and then be open to what may come your way.  And as she said, sometimes you have to let go in order to receive.  You may receive from the same person you let go, or you may receive love in a different form from a different person, but I don't believe that Love would leave us lacking and depleted when we are truly in need.  We just have to have an eye and heart open for love however it comes to us.
"I need someone who's, someone who's there.  Somebody there.  Someone who cares for me.  I need love."  This bridge is fairly self-explanatory.  Even though the love lost in the beginning of the song seems to have been a romantic relationship, when it boils down to it, we really just need to know that someone cares for us as we are and will be there for us. 
So, let me be the first to acknowledge my need for love.  And let me also be the first to thank Love for the love that I have been afforded in my 26.5 years.  :) 

Day 169 - What is Your Energy?

Masculine Energies

·         Creative focus

·         Purposeful presence

·         Desire for truth

·         Oriented towards visions and goals

·         In one’s mind and focused

·         Emotion of compassion

·         Looking at life from the outside

·         Fear of failure in life

·         Work before intimacy

·         Doing

·         Giving

Feminine Energies

·         Creative flow

·         Open and connected

·         Desire for sourcing and sustaining

·         Oriented toward love and care

·         In one’s emotions and flow

·         Emotion of trust and gratitude

·         Looking at things from within

·         Fear of rejection and loss of love

·         Intimacy before work

·         Being

·         Receiving

I look at these lists, and I see myself in both of them.  While I don’t always agree with concrete lines that define the genders (or any group for that matter), I can see where there are some patterns that tend to be associated with each gender that may apply in general ways.  I spent much time in my life avoiding and denying the feminine in myself and the value of femininity in general.  I was a tomboy for years, and even when I voluntarily put on a skirt (a rare moment to be sure), it was only an outward attempt to conform (and hopefully attract positive attention from a male).  For various reasons, I associated femininity with weakness, hysterics, constant weeping, emotionalism, vulnerability, and pain, and I wanted to stay far away from all those things.  Though I was biologically female, my mindset, my emotional make-up, my clothing, anything I could control became male energy-driven.  I rejected emotions, vulnerability, trust (though there were other factors involved in this one), failure, intimacy, etc.

 In looking at the lists, I can say that I was definitely more on the masculine side growing up.  Yet, as I’ve opened up and received healing in the way I think, feel, and relate, I’ve seen more of a balance of the two.  In looking at people I know, it’s interesting to see the levels of each per person, especially when they are in relationships.  These dynamics can be especially intriguing to observe in same-gender relationships, because even the “male” in a relationship can have female energy, and the “female” in a relationship can have male energy. 

While I previously resented being a female because of the stereotyped traits ascribed to it, I have happily learned to embrace the fact that gender is not a box into which people are born based on genitalia.  Gender is a social construct that works with (or against) whatever people are born within inside.  And I appreciate that God created (at least) 2 genders and the way their different energies flow.  I believe in balance in life, and I think that it’s cool that the energies can complement each other (be it in a person or in a relationship).  We’re not all meant to be the same or have the same perspective.  The fact that we have different ways of seeing things brings about new ideas and possibilities.

Let us appreciate each other for our differences.  Let us also realize that biology doesn’t always dictate energy, and genitalia doesn’t always create gender or identity (as it is traditionally defined).  Feel free to be who you are despite the prescribed roles and boundaries.  Admittedly, my aversion to femininity caused me to suppress part of myself, but now I can embrace myself as I appreciate the validity and beauty of both flows of energy, especially when they can work together as one.

Day 168 - If You Really Knew Me

I’m watching a show called “If You Really Knew Me” on Logo, and I think it’s beautiful.  It follows Challenge Day in different high schools around the country where the students get to share and connect and open up, getting past stereotypes and connecting to others in new ways.  They started by sharing hugs.  Then one of the facilitators shared his story.  The students were then broken into groups of people who they wouldn’t tend to talk to and asked to shared things that you were really at the core of who they are and that people wouldn’t know just by looking at them.  A lot of them shared childhood and family issues, personal struggles, and feelings of rejection.  Next, they did the “Power Shuffle” activity (also known Cross the Line), and that always touches me.  The facilitator would give a scenario - "if you or anyone you know has seriously contemplated, attempted, or even committed suicide, please cross the line" - and the students who that applied to would walk to the other side.  It makes me think about the things that have happened to me in my life, but it also shows me that I’m not the only one who has lived some of my experiences.  The final portion was people sharing what they felt/learned and how they would like to change or see change from that day forward. 

When I was at UVA, I took a class called Multicultural Education, and it incorporated some of those elements.  As one of the shows shared, we tend to only share about 10% of ourselves, and that, like an iceberg, 90% of us hides beneath the surface.  Being able to be in such a space can be terrifying, because we are not taught to prize vulnerability.  Yet, it’s those barriers that we put up and those stereotypes that create boundaries that keep us bound and isolated in our pain.  And when we feel like we have to live these things by ourselves, it only makes things worse. 

I’m not saying to share all of your stuff with everyone you ever meet.  But what I am saying is that you are not alone in this.  If no one else, you can talk to me.  I haven’t gone through everything, but I’ve gone through enough that hopefully I can be a help to anyone who wants it.  And much as we talk about it, we still deal with and look with stereotypes and judgments at people we’ve never even spoken to.  You have no idea what has gotten a person to the point where they are when you see them.  The stories, the pain, the issues, the secrets, and everything that people hide are some powerful forces, but so is the love that we can share with each other to help bring healing. 

So, to break the ice, I will share.  Not that I don’t share everyday in some way in this blog, but I still have things that I keep close to my heart, because I hate being vulnerable.  Admittedly, it’s easier to do so in front of my laptop where there are no faces to judge me, but it still takes courage for me to share this with anyone.  If you really knew me, you would know that I live everyday in fear of the rejection of others, even the people closest to me.  Because I never developed a foundation of self-love upon which the love of others could build upon and affirm what I already knew to be true, then I have lived my entire life searching for it and trying to find it.  Fear has pretty much dictated every one of my actions and decisions for as long as I can remember, and it’s gotten to the point that it feels like fear is in every part of my being.  While there are other things going on in my life, this is the thing is currently central.  And while thankfully I have grown much in recent years, I still feel fear in a major way as part of my existence and everyday life.  

I challenge you to look into yourself and figure out what you keep hidden.  There are certain things that may need to be kept inside (or between you and a therapist), but something I'm quickly learning is that healing tends to happen in community.  Unfortunately, the community cannot support you and bring healing if you don't let them know what is going on.  Is there anyone in your life who really knows you?  Actually, back up - do you really know yourself?  One of the high school students was saying that he was so busy caring for others and putting on his "football player" mask that he really had no idea who he was.  So before you can invite someone to really know you, first take time to know yourself.

Day 167 - Evolve

"If you want a revolution, the only solution - evolve." As I listened to this song on my way to give blood today, especially considering that the song before had been "Still Standing" by Monica, it my mind moving. Admittedly, I've been having a bit of a rough patch in my life, and there have been moments when I thought it would be impossible to move forward. But as I listened to the Gatorade theme song, I was inspired.
"If you want a revolution, the only solution evolve (you gotta evolve).  If you want a revolution, the only solution evolve (you gotta evolve).  If your gettin' off track and you wanna get back, may take a lot of work or break your back.  If you want a revolution, the only solution evolve (you gotta evolve)."  Revolution (outside of its typical political connotations) is defined as "a sudden, complete or marked change in something."  If you want change to come about, you have to be willing to undergo evolution - "any process of formation or growth; development" - in order to get there.  You have to be willing to go through a process of change and growth (which typically will include some pain) so that lasting change can happen.  As the lyrics says, it will take work, especially if you lose focus, and it may feel like you're breaking in the process, but sometimes things have to be broken (or re-broken) so that they can fixed the right way.
"Well there once was a guy who couldn't jump high till he focused in now he touched the sky.  You gotta do more than try to get by - evolution is the key and that's no lie.  If you wanna be big and strong you see, you gotta e-v-o-l-v-e."  This verse is about a man who is pushing to achieve a goal, and he pushed and worked to be able to do what he wanted.  In order to reach your dreams and do what you want, you have to put in work.
"Make no mistake about it - you gotta evolve.  Blood, sweat, and tears around it and a lot of resolve. There's no way around it - gotta give it your all."  This is fairly self-explanatory.  Hard work is required to grow.  And as I've been in a place of much blood, sweat, and tears, I've gotta say that it doesn't always feel worth it in the moment, but when you take time to reflect on where you've come from, your progress can push you forward, even when it is hard as hell in the midst of the push.
"There once was a girl who demanded light.  She worked in the day and she trained all night.  She prayed for the light gettin' ready for the fight.  When the day turned to night, the girl shined so bright.  Had to do things other the girls wouldn't do, now every girl in the world played when she wanted to."  Part of the beauty of pushing and evolving is that we not only change things for ourselves, but we also tend to provide opportunities and inspiration for others to do the same.  While "the girl" was the one who pushed and did the hard work, she opened the door for others to be able to explore their gifts and evolve.  She created a revolution for others.
"No matter what they do, they can't break your stride.  Evolution is a thing that starts inside.  Throw your hands up, clench your fist with pride - hold your head high no need to hide.  E-V-O-L-V-E, come on get inside, come on ride with me."  And while not everyone will be in agreement with your evolution, especially if it causes changes in the social order or disrupts some power that they have, you have what's necessary inside, so you don't need permission to evolve.  You need only tap into what you already have.  Stand strong (using the strength that it's taken you to get this far in life), and push forward.  E-V-O-L-V-E!
Love yourself enough to grow and change.  Love the world enough to do, be, and give the best you have to those in need.

Day 166 - Pretty Girl Rock

Alright, so I like this song.  At heart, the message is that I should be confident in my beauty, and I've seen pretty girls of all ages rock to the song, but some of the lines can get a bit interesting.  Let's see.

"My name is Keri, I'm so very fly oh my, it's a little bit scary.  Boys wanna marry, looking at my derriere.  You can stare but if you touch it Imma bury.  Pretty as a picture, sweeter than a swisher, mad 'cause I'm cuter than the girl that's with you.  I don't gotta talk about it – baby, you can see it, but if you want I'll be happy to repeat it."  Our friend, Keri, speaks about her beauty and awesome appeal as so awesome that’s it borders on fear-inducing.  Men are so captivated by her butt that they want to marry her (imagine if they looked at the rest of her).  And she makes it clear that, though they may be tempted to touch her because she is so breath-taking, they will be in for a world of hurt if they do.  I don’t have a problem with her extolling her own beauty – you have to recognize and respect your beauty before others will.  My issue is her feeling the need to compare herself to other females and insult them at the same time.  If you’re attractive, then be attractive.  You don’t need to address a man – presumably a stranger – and let him know that the woman he’s with is not as attractive as you (in your opinion).  And it’s true that when you’re beautiful or confident or whatever, you don’t have to talk about it – it should just be evident.  Yet, we have a song about it….

“I don’t gotta talk about it – baby, you can see it.  And if you know it too then ladies, sing it with me.”  After repeating the first verse, as she said she’d do, she changes the last line to invite other women to join in the celebration of beauty and the affirmation of their own “pretty girl” status.  I’m a fan of this, because we as women should do more to affirm the beauty of ourselves and other women instead of competing like we tend to have a habit of doing.

“All eyes on me when I walk in.  No question that this girl's a 10.  Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.  Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.  My walk, my talk, the way I drip - it's not my fault, so please don't trip.  Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.  Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.”  The chorus seems to be that of a beautiful woman who is confident in who she is, but she’s noticed that she has “haters.”  So, while she addressed the male in the first verse, she appears to be talking to other females who might hate on her because of her beauty. Everything about her is on point, but it's not her fault, so there's no need to hate on her.  

“(Now where you at?)  If you’re looking for me, you can catch me - cameras flashing.  Bet he turn his head just as soon as I passed him.  Girls think I'm conceited 'cause I know I'm attractive.  Don't worry about what I think, why don't you ask him?  Get yourself together, don't hate (never do it).  Jealousy's the ugliest trait (don't, never do it).  I can talk about it 'cause I know that I'm pretty, and if you know it too then ladies sing it with me."  As a celebrity, Keri no doubt runs into paparazzi all the time, but as a beautiful woman, she can just expect that cameras will follow her, trying to get a glimpse and a shot of her.  And, of course, all the men will be checking her out when she walks into the place - not just the casual glance, but the wait and watch her walk by.  When she says, "girls think I'm conceited cuz I know I'm attractive," I can appreciate that.  I've seen many a confident person talked negatively about by less confident women and men who saw normal confidence as arrogance.  But then she takes it a step further and says, " Don't worry about what I think, why don't you ask him?"  Really?  She essentially says that it's fine if I think I'm attractive, but if don't believe me, ask your man if I'm attractive.  For some reason, this rubs me the wrong way.  I guess my concern is the need for a man to affirm this opinion.  While she thinks herself attractive, when this opinion is brought into question, a man must be asked to make the ruling.  I don't dislike men at all, but this just seems a bit problematic for me.  Can't it be enough that I think myself attractive?  Does everyone (or even just this particular someone) else have to agree?  And if they don't, why does it matter what the random man thinks?  He might not think I'm attractive, but that shouldn't change my opinion, and it really doesn't have to change your opinion.  I'm attractive because I am, not because a certain number of people (especially men) said so.  [If it sounds like I'm being hard on the men, it's just because I've seen many women do many things for the approval of men to the detriment of themselves, myself included, and I think it's time we are liberated from needing the approval and affirmation of a man.]

So while I love the idea of being a confident woman, and I love the video that shows beautiful black women of music through the ages, I don't agree with her entire lyrical content.  And can I just ask what Kanye's verse in the remix has to do with "Pretty Girl Rock" aside from him trying to get into their panties?