As I was pondering what to blog about for the day, I decided to listen to some music on my computer, and this song showed up in the playlist. Now, I've listened to (and sung) this song more times than I can probably count, but as I reflected on this past week - the conversations, interactions, sermons, lessons, teaching moments, tears, safe space, etc. - the song hit me a little deeper. Let's explore...
"Look at me, look at me - I am changing, trying every way I can. I am changing; I'll be better than I am. I'm trying to find a way to understand, but I need you, I need you, I need a hand." The artist begins the song with a command to look at her and to really see her. Often times, I think we can see people without seeing them, but she is demanding to be seen and paid attention to. She wants people to see that, even though she's had some rough patches and she's done some less than great things in the past, she is working at it and making progress, because she says "I am changing." Changing implies a continuous process, as she has not already changed nor is she anticipating that she will begin to change in the future, but she is currently in the midst of the change. And the purpose of the change is growth and self-improvement. Yet, she admits that, while she's on this journey of trying to do and be better, she needs help and assistance. She can't change by herself.
"I am changing, seeing everything so clear. I am changing, I'm gonna start right now, right here. I'm hoping to work it out and I know that I can. But I need you, I need a hand." Things are beginning to shift, and she is seeing the fruit of her labor to change. Things are becoming clearer as it relates to where she's going and what she's doing, which is helpful in moving her forward. She's ready and determined, but once again, she admits her need for assistance as she tackles such a journey.
"All of my life I've been a fool who said I could do it all alone. How many good friends have I already lost, and how many dark nights have I known? Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find. All those years of darkness could make a person blind, but now I can see." In many ways, this has been my story. While there has typically been at least 1 person I could call friend in my life, I have lived much of my life feeling very isolated. Part of it was the desire to be independent and strong, but a lot of it was fear of trusting people because of previous experiences and issues. While I was always giving to others, I didn't let others get close enough to me to make a significant impact on my life in terms of helping and guiding me. I know that my insecurity and my baggage has caused distance in some of my relationships, and I regret that there were people in my life who could have been great for me if I'd allowed them to be. There has been much darkness in my life, whether in the form of depression, fear, self-doubt, anger, anxiety, etc, but thankfully, the clouds have been steadily spreading, and the sun is beginning to shine upon my face.
"I am changing, trying every way I can. I am changing; I'll be better than I am, but I need a friend to help me start all over again. O, that would be just fine. I know it's gonna work out this time, cuz this time I am, this time I am, I am changing, I’ll get my life together now. I am changing, yes I know how. I'm gonna start again. I'm gonna leave my past behind. I'll change my life. I'll make a vow, and nothing's gonna stop me now." She is moving forward in her change, still acknowledging her need for a friend and aid. With her humility and wisdom that have encouraged her to ask for help, she is more confident that things will work out now, because she is going to go about them differently. She is going to move beyond her baggage and her bondage, making a promise to herself that she will no longer stay where she is. With such resolve, it is believable that nothing will be able to stand in her way, because she is strengthened within herself and with her support system to become the best that she can be.
Now, as I said, this song has been a favorite of mine since I first heard it (esp seeing it in the context of the movie), but after a particular conversation I had today, it really hit me. I was talking to one of my sister friends about finding my identity, and she said something profound as always. She said that her struggle with me is that I try to do that by myself but that identity is formed in relationship. Because I spend so much time being internal and processing in my head, I cannot properly form and express an identity that is visible to others. Just like my spiritual gifts aren't given for use on myself and cannot be developed in the privacy of my room but in the body of the church, similarly, my identity must be formed and "exercised" the same way. As she said, I have to be who I think I am until I figure out who I really am (and said figuring happens in the space of relationship).
This requires that I let people into my life in such a way that I trust them and allow them to help me change. I have to trust that the critiques they give are out of love and desire to help me grow, not allowing the feeling of past critique (which was done out of malice) to cloud my acceptance of what is currently being given. I have to let go of my desire to do things on my own and be "strong" so that others can help me do what I can't possibly do without help. And, most importantly for me, I have to trust that I am not a burden to those I love, and that because they genuinely want to help me, it's alright for me to ask for help.
So, now I am changing....
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