I’m watching a show called “If You Really Knew Me” on Logo, and I think it’s beautiful. It follows Challenge Day in different high schools around the country where the students get to share and connect and open up, getting past stereotypes and connecting to others in new ways. They started by sharing hugs. Then one of the facilitators shared his story. The students were then broken into groups of people who they wouldn’t tend to talk to and asked to shared things that you were really at the core of who they are and that people wouldn’t know just by looking at them. A lot of them shared childhood and family issues, personal struggles, and feelings of rejection. Next, they did the “Power Shuffle” activity (also known Cross the Line), and that always touches me. The facilitator would give a scenario - "if you or anyone you know has seriously contemplated, attempted, or even committed suicide, please cross the line" - and the students who that applied to would walk to the other side. It makes me think about the things that have happened to me in my life, but it also shows me that I’m not the only one who has lived some of my experiences. The final portion was people sharing what they felt/learned and how they would like to change or see change from that day forward.
When I was at UVA, I took a class called Multicultural Education, and it incorporated some of those elements. As one of the shows shared, we tend to only share about 10% of ourselves, and that, like an iceberg, 90% of us hides beneath the surface. Being able to be in such a space can be terrifying, because we are not taught to prize vulnerability. Yet, it’s those barriers that we put up and those stereotypes that create boundaries that keep us bound and isolated in our pain. And when we feel like we have to live these things by ourselves, it only makes things worse.
I’m not saying to share all of your stuff with everyone you ever meet. But what I am saying is that you are not alone in this. If no one else, you can talk to me. I haven’t gone through everything, but I’ve gone through enough that hopefully I can be a help to anyone who wants it. And much as we talk about it, we still deal with and look with stereotypes and judgments at people we’ve never even spoken to. You have no idea what has gotten a person to the point where they are when you see them. The stories, the pain, the issues, the secrets, and everything that people hide are some powerful forces, but so is the love that we can share with each other to help bring healing.
So, to break the ice, I will share. Not that I don’t share everyday in some way in this blog, but I still have things that I keep close to my heart, because I hate being vulnerable. Admittedly, it’s easier to do so in front of my laptop where there are no faces to judge me, but it still takes courage for me to share this with anyone. If you really knew me, you would know that I live everyday in fear of the rejection of others, even the people closest to me. Because I never developed a foundation of self-love upon which the love of others could build upon and affirm what I already knew to be true, then I have lived my entire life searching for it and trying to find it. Fear has pretty much dictated every one of my actions and decisions for as long as I can remember, and it’s gotten to the point that it feels like fear is in every part of my being. While there are other things going on in my life, this is the thing is currently central. And while thankfully I have grown much in recent years, I still feel fear in a major way as part of my existence and everyday life.
I challenge you to look into yourself and figure out what you keep hidden. There are certain things that may need to be kept inside (or between you and a therapist), but something I'm quickly learning is that healing tends to happen in community. Unfortunately, the community cannot support you and bring healing if you don't let them know what is going on. Is there anyone in your life who really knows you? Actually, back up - do you really know yourself? One of the high school students was saying that he was so busy caring for others and putting on his "football player" mask that he really had no idea who he was. So before you can invite someone to really know you, first take time to know yourself.
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