Day 165 - Motive

“Are you doing this because you are loved or so that you’ll be loved?”
When I read this question in my devotional today, it struck me in a deep way. I mean, take a second to think about that question. I know that in my life, I’ve been doing a lot of things in the pursuit of feeling someone’s love. There have been very few (if any) things that I have done with the full assurance and comfort of love. Most of what I’ve done has been while inwardly striving to earn and to feel love. And while I try not to be one to speak for other people, I would venture to say that everyone in life does things (some of these things that they’d rather not do) in order to be loved.
Now, there have definitely been times in life that I felt so loved that I was able to do and give out of the overflow of that love, not needing anything in return. Unfortunately those times have been rare. Of course, the people receiving from me would most likely have never known the difference, because I do a pretty good job of keeping how I really feel to myself, but I knew. I knew whether going without that “thank you” would break me. I knew whether the phone call not being returned would send me into a paranoid moment, wondering if the person still cared about me because they didn’t call me back. I knew when I had given my last, wondering how I would eat or put gas in my car, just to hear someone say that I was awesome or because I knew they were in need and I didn’t want to disappoint them. This is not to say that I’m not a naturally caring, giving person, because I am. But I’ve come to realize that a lot of the manifestation of my giving nature has been shaped by my desire and need to be loved. Therefore, there have been times when I wanted (and even needed) to say no to something, but I said yes, because I wanted the love and acceptance of whoever it was more than I needed to stand up for myself and my own needs.
And I don’t think I’m alone in this. There’s nothing wrong with being giving, but when your internal “no” becomes an external “yes” out of fear of rejection, then something is out of balance. In an ideal world, we would all feel loved and affirmed within ourselves 100% of the time, so we would always be giving for the sake of love. Love, in and of itself, is free enough that it will give without the expectation of returns, because it is self-assured. Similar to the love of a mother for a child, rarely does the mother of an infant get a return on what she gives, but out of love and care for the child, she wakes up late at night to feed or changes smelly diapers. Unfortunately, the world is not ideal, and many people do not have a chance to build that internal foundation before the world tells them everything that makes them less than worthy. And if you don’t have the blessing of supportive parents, friends, and/or family to make you feel loved from day 1, you may be in trouble and seek that for years to come.
I understand that this is a difficult transition to make. It’s one that takes time and practice and pain, but when you are able to give out of a full place rather than out of a place of need, you will be much more at peace. You won’t have to worry about someone pouring back into you, because you have a sufficient foundation for yourself. That way, you can be authentic with your “yes” and with your “no.” And this will keep resentment and anger from forming inside you when you would otherwise feel slighted, because someone didn’t recognize your internal need for affirmation when you provided for them.
Today’s challenge is for you to take time over the next 3 days and think about why you do what you do. When you give something or you say “yes” to something, think about whether you’re doing it out of a full place of love or out of the desire to get someone to love you (more). If it is the latter, ask yourself why? Are you wooing the person? Have you been trying to earn their love and approval? Is it a parent who you’ve been trying to impress your entire life? Is it a partner who you are trying to keep in your life so that you’re not lonely? Figure out what the need is and see if there is a hole in your own heart that needs some repair.