“Express yourself, be honest, don’t be afraid of rejection – the perfect people will always stick.” –The Daily Love
Every time I read this, something in me cringes a little. Something that was most likely designed to empower makes me nervous and touches on something deep inside. On the one hand, I appreciate the push to be yourself. So many people are hiding, because as much as society encourages individuality, it pushes conformity. To be truly yourself, especially if that self deviates outside the norm’s definitions and boundaries for who you ought to be, can be a painful challenge. Yet, as many have discovered, being yourself is a beautifully freeing experience, because only you have to live with yourself. When you don’t have to hide and pretend, you are free to live and to breathe. There’s no looking over your shoulder or remembering who you are pretending to be in any given moment, so you can focus on living out your passion and being the best you can be.
On the other hand, the price of authenticity can be a high one. While there is a beauty in being true to yourself, there is also a cost that makes a lot of people turn back or at the very least, hide. Your true self may make others uncomfortable, especially when you are comfortable with yourself but other people aren’t comfortable with themselves. It could be your race, gender, religion/beliefs, sexual orientation, your level of confidence, your education, your strength, your dress, or any number of things. The moment you do things that put you outside the “norm” and the “stereotypes” (which, in reality, everyone does in some way), you will offend someone or make someone uncomfortable. Authenticity wouldn’t be so hard if it didn’t challenge relationships and leave you open to being alone for taking a stand.
I have a friend who has been re-establishing herself after having been lost for a few years. It’s been an amazing transformation to her going from a woman who is living inside the box of what is expected to a woman who puts on her pumps and steps on the box, dressing and walking in her own light as opposed to the prescribed way given for women in ministry. With her head held high, she became herself. Of course, she has encountered opposition and questions, because she doesn’t act like a woman in ministry “ought to” act. There have been comments and questions and speculations, changes in relationships, and so much more that has been hard to endure…. This journey has brought many tears and much wrestling with the expectations of others as they stood in direct opposition to who she felt she was called to be. But at the end of the day, she has been an inspiration to me as she continues to be strong and walk as herself in a place and vocation that desires that she take it down a notch. Has she been rejected? Yes. But she has found the strength to remain true in spite of that, because she has some amazing people in her life. And even beyond that, she has lived too long in a place of oppression and inauthentic expression to ever go back. Her life, her ministry, and her piece of mind rest on being who she is, and nothing can change that.
I, on the other hand, have yet to find that same backbone, though I am in the process. When the quotation says not to be afraid of rejection, I almost laugh at such a prospect, because it’s been my deepest fear for as long as I can remember. It’s the reason I’ve done and said so much of what I’ve done and said – I was trying my very best to avoid anything that even resembled rejection. Has it always worked? No, but it was worth a try if I could avoid the pain I was all too familiar with. Because my life has seen MUCH relationship transition, it is still difficult for me to believe that people will stick if they are allowed to see the whole of me. Because I’m very sensitive and observant, I pick up on subtle clues and cues, giving me the information on how to act and how vulnerable to be. With this information, I decide (or assume) how much a person can handle and share myself accordingly. It’s an imperfect system, since I can’t really read people’s minds and body language with 100% accuracy, but it is a safer alternative than putting myself out there and having to pick up the pieces all over again.
Now, there are some AMAZING people in my life who I know cognitively can handle at least 98% of me (I’m still in process as to whether anyone but God can handle 100%), but in my heart, making the leap to share that much of myself is a tough battle. That takes a deep level of trust in God (to take care of me no matter how people react), my sister friends (to be willing and able to handle what I share and be able to help me where necessary), and myself (to be that open and vulnerable with not only them but myself). So while I agree that, in a perfect world, the quotation for today would be an ideal way to live and operate, I find it a difficult struggle to attempt to put into reality. But despite the level of difficulty, I am trying, because authentic is who I need to be. God deserves it, the world needs it, my friends deserve and need it, and I deserve and need it. Even though the entire world doesn’t need every detail of my personhood, I should at least be able to have free conversations with those who I call my sister friends without the paranoia or calculating each word or measuring reactions or hiding at the first sign of anything less than positive. I know that they are the perfect people, and now I have to step out of my comfort zone and trust that they will stick.
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