Day 210 - Ribbon in the Sky

I have always thought that this song was absolutely beautiful.  And now that I’ve sat with it, I can see even more of the beauty of it.  Stevie Wonder, hats off to you.

“O so long for this night I prayed that a star would guide you my way to share with me this special day.   Well, a ribbon’s in the sky for our love.”  It has been a lifelong dream that the singer found someone to share love with him.  He prayed for a divine love, guided by a star.  And it seems that such a love has been found, and a ribbon in the sky (presumably a rainbow) is there as a symbol of their relationship and the covenant that they share.

“If allowed, may I touch your hand, and if pleased, may I once again?  So that you too will understand there’s a ribbon in the sky for our love.”  This seems to be a moment where vulnerability and openness are being asked for.  When beginning the venture into a new love, it takes a great deal of strength and courage to really launch into that space of being open enough to let someone really get to know you.  I appreciate that he is respectful and patient enough to ask, not rushing things but making it known that he has intentions toward love in this relationship.  And the ribbon in the sky seems to be the assurance that this will be more than just a fling.

“This is not a coincidence and for more than a lucky chance, but what it is that was always meant is our ribbon in the sky for our love.”  When real love happens, it’s not just a coincidence or an event of chance.  It comes as the result of divine movement and orchestration, as symbolized by the ribbon in the sky.

“We can’t lose with God on our side.  We’ll find strength with each tear we cry.  From now on, it will be you and I and our ribbon in the sky.”  It’s been said that when God is the third part of the relationship, said relationship will bring life and success (even if it is only seasonal).  And when relationship goes through ups and downs, tears (whether happy or sad) have the ability to build a stronger connection between people because it is shared/expressed emotions.  Because of the depth of things, the singer is set on making this something that will last forever…

Day 209 - I'd Rather

It’s been about a thousand years since I heard this song.  As I was talking to one of my friends about a relationship situation that she’s dealing with, it brought the chorus of the song to mind….

“I thought some time alone was what we really needed.  You said this time would hurt more than it helped, but I couldn’t see that.  I thought it was the end of a beautiful story, so I left the one I love at home to be alone.  And I tried and found that this one thing is true – that I’m nothing without you.  I know better now and I’ve had a change of heart.”  This appears to be a romantic relationship where the singer thought a break was in order, so he takes off.  While his partner was in disagreement, his mind was set on leaving, and he did.  Unfortunately for him, things didn’t work out as he would have liked, and life without his friend a sad state, one that he didn’t want to live in.  Time apart has taught him the value of what they had, causing him a change of heart and a desire to be reunited.

“I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else.  I’d rather be beside you in a storm than safe and warm by myself.  I’d rather have hard times together than to have it easy apart.  I’d rather have the one who holds my heart.”  The chorus talks about his important revelation – he would rather go through the struggles of relationship and the storms of life with his partner than to have an easy journey by himself.  This may seem contradictory, because most people don’t ever wish for the storms and trials and hard times in life, but the singer has realized that his life is more fulfilled with his partner in his life.  For him, if the only way to have his friend in his life is with some struggles, then he will happily put on a poncho and endure.  This is quite a testament to what they shared, and even though he walked away from it before (presumably because of the hard times), he has no desire to make that mistake again.  When you’re willing to go through the hard stuff with someone, a strong, mature love is most likely the reason.

“So I met someone and thought she could replace you.  We got along just fine but wasted time because she was not you.  We had a lot of fun, though we knew we were faking.  Love was not impressed with our connection built on lies.  So I’m here cuz I found this one thing is true - – that I’m nothing without you.  I know better now and I’ve had a change of heart.”  The singer met someone new and hoped to continue life as usual, but it’s clear from this verse that this new person couldn’t come close to what he had with his previous friend.  It was fun and he could have possibly even forced it to work, but his love for the other person made it impossible.  No need faking and hurting someone else in the process – he had to be authentic about his feelings and what he wanted.  Now, maybe this was because he didn’t take time to heal before pursuing someone else, but I suspect that it’s because the previous love still resonated and was the relationship that he needed all along. 

“I can’t blame you if you turn away from me like I’ve done you.  I can only prove the things I say with time.  Please be mine!”  It seems as though the lesson he had to learn has affected the heart of the other person.  He understands the hurt and the anger, but he hopes that he will be given a second chance.  After all, his friend did say that it wouldn’t help and that it would hurt, but he had his mind made up.  Sometimes it seems easier to run than to stay and face a situation.  And sometimes, we have to learn the hard way to appreciate what we had.  But because he has now come to his senses, he wants a chance to prove his love and be where he was most likely meant to be all along.

Day 208 - Understood

“I didn’t wanna be understood, because I think it made me feel vulnerable to be understood.”  -“What Not to Wear” contestant

Understand = “to be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of.”  Being understood is a deep thing.  It’s one thing for someone to kinda know you, but for someone to know you enough to understand you is a serious thing that can be intense.  And when you have been accustomed to hiding or being less than open, then opening up enough for someone to know and understand you can be a terrifying thought.  This is especially true if you don’t think that who you really are is worth knowing and loving or if who you are isn’t traditionally acceptable. 

Being open enough to be understood makes you extremely vulnerable.  It means that you are allowing someone to get super close to you.  They are not only getting to know you, but they are hearing/seeing what makes you tick such that they can understand why you do what you do.  Like with open-heart surgery, you have to cut your chest open to get to the heart.  It takes work and may cause pain and pushing part fear, but without a properly functioning heart, the body doesn’t work properly and death can be the result.  So while it can be a hard thing, being understood can help with being truly loved (and is probably a little bit necessary).  And if you can trust someone enough to open up to them so that they can understand you, then real relationship can be had, and isn’t that the goal?  :)

Of course, many of us have experiences that are less than pleasing with opening up, and so we avoid it when possible.  Being that open  is scary enough, but when we have a history of our openness being taken advantage of and used against us, it can severely limit our desire to be open to that possibility again.  We'd rather live in a shell without any real connection than to endure the pain and the heartache that come with such betrayals.  And this is understandable, because to be betrayed or used at your deepest levels can be a life-altering experience.  But the beauty of living through such an event is that you live through it and have the ability to get stronger in areas of discernment and endurance.  True, it sucks to get hurt, but there is always a risk in relationship.  But when the risk pays off and you find a person or persons to really love and understand you... there's nothing like it in the world.  And I believe that kind of complete connection is what the Divine desires for us, both with Itself and with other people.  Because those moments can make you truly feel alive.  

So if you have the opportunity, begin to trust yourself and open up to others.  I know that I sometimes think I'm fairly complex and would keep myself from others fearing that they wouldn't understand... but that's because I wasn't allowing them to.  And of course, since some of my friends have great discernment, they had some help in understanding me...  But either way, letting people in will not be the end of the world, and being understood could be just the beginning of some great things.  Go for it.

Day 207 - My All

Since the blog entry yesterday was about giving your all, this song came to mind, and I figured I'd blog about it.

"I am thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight.  If it’s wrong to love you, then my heart just won’t let me right, cuz I’ve drowned in you and I won’t pull through without you by my side."  There is (or possibly was) a love relationship that is apparently no longer active.  She is apparently not used to sleeping alone, but she desires to be back in the relationship.  She is so deeply invested that she is willing to be wrong if it means remaining connected to the one she loves.  She can have many applications and issues, so some of this drive can be good (to be in a healthy relationship that society might not be open enough to accept) or bad (to be in an unhealthy relationship or a relationship that hurts other people - i.e. a relationship with a married person).  She feels that she can't go on without this person in her life.  While I will always argue that there should be no person should ever have such power in your life that you cannot live with them, I can understand the strength of a love that makes it feel as if life would be painfully empty without their presence and what they mean.  And that's where she is. 
"I’d give my all to have just one more night with you.  I’d risk my life to feel your body next to mine, cuz I can’t go on living in the memory of our song.  I’d give my all for your love tonight."  Because of this, she is willing to give her all, to sacrifice, to do what is necessary to have that time with her love, even if it's just for the night.  I'm pretty sure this is about more than sex, and I think for her, even if they just spend the night in each other's arms, that will be enough, because it's about the connection.  Sometimes, love does take risks and sometimes it requires us giving when we otherwise wouldn't or we don't always want to.  But if the love and the relationship are worth it, then sometimes you have to get beyond yourself and your comfort zone and do what's necessary to make things work.
"Baby, can you feel me, imagining I’m looking in your eyes?  I can see you clearly, vividly emblazoned in my mind, and yet you’re so far, like a distant star I’m wishing on tonight."  The memory of her love is strong in her mind despite the distance.  She can feel the person, and she is wondering if the same is true on the other end.  The heart doesn't feel physical distance, but it can feel the emotional space when there is an issue or separation.  And when it feels that, the emotions can get intense and pull on you.  And it can make you wanna give your all...

Day 206 - Give Your All

“A LOT comes with a friendship or any relationship.  You gotta give your all and expect the same in return or it isn’t a relationship, more like associates.”

I have come to the realization that I can think way too much.  This is not to say that I will ever stop thinking, because I know that my mind has great capabilities and that my intelligence will do well to serve the world.  But what I’m beginning to realize is that I can have a tendency to over-think, especially in relationships, and that this can be my defense mechanism.  Well, I tweeted that I was thinking again about relationships, and one of my newest friends asked me about it.  After we had talked about it a bit, she tweeted the above statement.  It hit me like a ton of bricks. 

As simple as that thought is, it is very profound.  In a great relationship, you are able to give all of who you are.  You have to be willing to open and share and be vulnerable.  If not, there can be no relationship.  Anybody can be a hang out partner (a person who is just fun to chill with but who you don’t actually talk to about anything serious) or a counselor (someone who just provides advice) or a child (someone who just receives care), but it takes two people willing to be open and vulnerable and trust each other in order to have a friendship.  It’s been said time and again that without trust, there’s no relationship. 

If you don’t trust someone enough to share your issues or trust that they can pour into you in any way, then you’re not in relationship – you’ve put yourself in a position to play a role.  You can’t be in a relationship when you’re playing a role.  Yes, it is easier to keep distance between yourself and others, especially if you are used to being strong for others or if you’re not sure if they can handle your stuff, but there can be no real relationship in such cases.  At the end of the day, that kind of interaction is just two associates who don’t even necessarily need each other in their lives, because anyone could play that role.   The thing about friendship is that it is based on who a person really is, not just the role that the person can fill in someone’s life. 

There is nothing wrong with having associates.  Not every relationship can be a deep and life-changing relationship, and that’s okay.  But if you call it a friendship and operate as such, the key is mutuality.  So as I ponder the relationships in my life, I have come to understand that there are some conversations I need to have and that are some relationships that can no longer wear the friend label, but that’s okay.  And I have to grow up in some aspects as I learn to give more of myself, so that in relationships where others are willing/able to give themselves, it won’t become one-sided because I’m living in fear. 

So, from now on, I shall give my all in relationships, but I shall also have the discernment to see when others aren’t giving their all, the strength to discuss my feelings in relationships openly, and the courage to relate in like fashion no matter what I previously understood as the relationship. 

Day 205 - Papers

“I can’t get to work on time, can’t believe the words to her I just said.  But who the hell argue and fight like dogs at 6 in the morning?  I know it’s gonna be some more s**t tonight.  Our pastor’s calling, telling me I done went too far, and I’m seen around town.  And my friends can’t recognize me, cuz I took a chance on love.  It’s like I’m dying.”  This verse is crazy to me, because it shows how deeply this relationship is affecting his entire life.  It seems that he’s becoming a different person (he’s saying things that he normally wouldn’t), it’s affecting his job, it’s affecting his relationships, and life just seems not to working because of this situation.  He feels like he’s dying, and that is never a good sign in any relationship. 

“For you I gave my heart and turned my back against the world, cause you were my girl, girl, girl.  I done damn near lost my mama.  I done been through so much drama.  I done turned into the man that I never thought I’d be.  I’m ready to sign them papers, papers, papers.  I done took all I can take, but you leave me no options, girl.  I can’t deny how much I love you.  I done gave up everything I had to.  As hard as it is, I’m afraid I gotta say, I’m ready to sign them papers, papers, papers.”  The chorus shows us a man at the end of his rope.  He gave and he invested, but it is costing him too much – his relationship with his mother, his sense of peace, and even himself.  He tried, and he still loves her, but he’s gotten to the point when that he can’t do it anymore.  He’s ready sign the divorce papers and end the relationship. 

“I’m losing my mind, can’t figure out who’s wrong or right.  I know it’s you I love, but then also I know it’s you I don’t like.  You claim you hate who I was, but that’s the reason you here now.  You think I don’t know what’s up, but sweetheart that’s what’s ruined us.  I ain’t afraid to say I got needs, but the only time you here for me is when the bottles popping and everything is sweet.  But I’m tired of sleeping in the other room, spending them long night trying to figure out what in the hell in my heart I ain’t do right.”  This relationship has got him going crazy.  He feels love for her, but he doesn’t like parts of her.  And apparently, she is only there for the money and for the warm and fuzzy.  Now he’s sleeping in a separate room and trying to piece together what happened in their relationship and why things have gone wrong. 

“I can’t keep living this life, I said I’m leaving for the last time – I’m ready, ready, ready.”  Now, the reason I chose to write about this song was because it takes a level of strength to leave a relationship in which you are deeply invested.  When have taken the time to build something with someone, when you grow in relationship with someone, when you share intimate space, when you have grown accustomed to having that person in your life, it’s hard to let go.  People aren’t good at change, and so to change such a close part of yourself and your life takes effort and a sense of self-worth that lets you know that you deserve better.  Even if the person is a good person, they may not be the best person for you.  Though it might take time and strength to break from something, even when it’s a bad situation (why do you think people stay in abusive relationships), if you find yourself in a relationship that is doing more harm than good, leave.  Know that you are worth it and know that a loving relationship should not just be something afforded to a few lucky people.  If need be, sign the papers.