Day 300 - Whoknows

300 days in... I can hardly believe it.  Anyway, I was supposed to blog about this song ages ago, but I forgot.  Yet, when Pandora brought it back to my remembrance this morning, I knew I had to do it today. 

"Now what we came here to do, it means more to me than just a night that we share.  So make sure that you're prepared, baby, and know that love is not just something to do.  It's the moment that transcends our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding."  The singer appears to have an attraction to and connection with someone, and they have come together to share space.  He wants this time to be more than a one-night stand.  He even goes so far as to say that love isn't just something to do - it's not a space filler or something to occupy time because they have needs or they have nothing better to do.  For him, it's a serious endeavor that goes beyond sexual contact and touches the spiritual beings of two people who desire to connect in a meaningful way.

"And who knows?  Somehow this night just might lead us into a place where our emotions can grow if we let them go, cuz who knows what may happen if we act on our attractions and lose ourselves inside a world made for us and no one else?  Hey girl, just let me love you."  The chorus is beautiful to me.  It essentially says that he's unsure of where things may go if they venture to take this step into deeper relationship, but it could lead to great places.  It could lead to a space of expanded love and emotions as they set themselves free in a space of intimacy between the two of them.  Either way, he just wants her to let him love her.  He is asking her to open up, trusting him to care for her in this vulnerable space and to extend himself as well, being open with her so she is not being vulnerable by herself.

"Now ain't no need to be afraid cuz I'll be as gentle as it takes yo provide you with the right amount of pleasure and pain and I'll make sure that you feel alright, even if it takes me all night.  Cuz the joy is all mine when I know you're satisfied, so let's keep giving all we got."  For him, this is not just about getting his.  He desires to make love to her, connecting to her and providing a caring, intimate experience that satisfies her body as well as her soul.  And he is willing to take his time to make sure that things are right for her.  Knowing that she receives what she needs will give him more satisfaction and joy than just getting his own pleasure, because he cares about her.  He wants them both to give their all so that they can share in the full experience of love.

"Listen, now I can see it in your eyes (I can handle whatever's on your mind) that you want to, baby, just as bad as I do, and girl I wanna give it to you.  Now if you can just set aside your fears and just try to deal with what's going on with us right now."  He can see that she is in the same place as he is, desiring to share in that intimate space of love and care.  He is asking her to set aside her fears of being hurt and whatever else may be in the way and simply enjoy what is between them, receiving love as it has presented itself from them to embrace and share.

Day 299 - Two Choices

This is the second time I've gotten this story in my email, and both times, it has made me cry.  I think we sometimes get so caught up in winning and losing that we don't stop to think about showing love to others, especially those who are differently-abled or less fortunate.  But what would it take to share a little bit of joy with someone else, giving when you have nothing to gain in return except the satisfaction of making another human being smile and feel loved?

What would you do?.....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway.  My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.  Where is the natural order of things in my son?'
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'
Then he told the following story:
Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll
try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat.  Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball..
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay!'
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
Shay, run to third!'
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.
Shay didn't make it to another summer.
He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Day 298 - The Best in Me (You Don't Know My Story)

I was riding in the car the other day when "The Best in Me" by Marvin Sapp came on the radio.  While I don't typically listen to this song on a regular basis, for some reason I decided to sit with it as it played.  I was thinking about it, and it clicked to me.  Of course God knows everything about me and sees both the best and the worst in me.  It is understood that if you see God as all-knowing and all-wise, that just follows as logical.  Even though this is an awesome thought - God knows all about me and loves me anyway - I felt led to think about this concept in a different way. 

Now, I have to say that I tend to be the type to see the best in people.  This is not always the case, but most of the time, I try to look for (and I find) the positive in people, even when all others see is the negative.  Now, I'm not blind to the negative, but for some reason, I have a knack for focusing on the positive.  I'm sure there are many reasons for this, but I'm not going to speculate at this current moment.  I will say that it's caused some interesting moments in my relationships, because I tend to see things in people that they don't yet see in themselves or live, and it is easy for me to relate to them based on what I see rather than what currently exists.    

Either way, as I listened to the song, I thought, what would it be like if we all saw the best in each other?  What if we all say each other as God sees us?  What if we could see and appreciate the positive but we could also see the negative and the reasoning behind it, allowing us to extend grace?   How many times have we met someone and the first thing we encountered was their loud mouth, their interesting attitude, or some other less than endearing quality?  It can be easy to write someone off based on that first impression, but if we would take a closer look, we would see that there is a reason behind the loud front and there is some pain behind that attitude.  This is not to say that we are supposed to try to befriend and fix everyone, because that's not possible.  What I am saying is that I think it's important to understand that everyone you meet is a culmination of their experiences. 
There's a gospel song that says, "You don't know my story, all the things that I've been through.  You can't feel my pain, what I had to go through to get here.  You'll never understand my praise, don't try to figure it out, because my worship, my worship is for real."  As the song says, you have no idea what has gotten a person where they are.  And just like it's impossible to extend someone's worship without knowing their story, it's also impossible to understand someone's shyness, emotional barriers, addictions, quirks, or other outside manifestations of the internal things that life has created within them.  

Now, with strangers or acquaintances, this may be a bit challenging, since we may not get to spend enough time with them to see all the positives, this should definitely be applied to those who we are closest to.  (Of course, to make the transition from stranger/acquaintance to friend or boo, we have to extend some measure of this patience and grace.)  It's been said that the first few months of any relationship tend to be great - the honeymoon period - and then people's true colors begin to come out.  Well, ideally, we should be fairly open and upfront from the beginning, but that's another conversation.  But either way, when more of those true colors begin appearing, what will be your reaction.  Bob Marley once said, "the truth is, everybody is going to hurt you.  You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."  While that is a slightly upsetting prospect, it is true.  Because none of us are perfect, we will all hurt someone and be hurt by someone at some point.  The question is who in your life makes the small pains worth their overall presence in your life.

So what am I saying?  Take time to get to know a person's story before you write them off.  And when you are in relationship (be it friendship or otherwise) with someone, allow their story to motivate you to provide love and patience, especially if they hurt/upset you.  Will everyone receive the help or allow you to love them past their pain?  No.  But it should always be your aim to be the best friend/lover/whatever you can be.  Because there have been those in my life that have provided grace and loved me when I acted like a complete ass, not to mention the great unconditional love of God, I have a true desire to see the best in others, getting to know their story and providing the love that I know myself that I need.  We all need a little understanding, so let's extend the same to others. 

Day 297 - Change Part 2

So I was listening to "Change," a song I blogged about in an earlier entry, and I was struck once again by the chorus: 

"If I could change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe.  You would think my love was really something good, baby, if I could change, if I could change the world."  I thought about the power of that type of love that can motivate you to want to change the world.  We can look at the pain and the injustice in the world and desire to make a change for the ones we love in order to try to protect them....

But then the next song that came on (gotta love the iTunes Shuffle feature) was "The Reason," another song that I've previously blogged about.  The chorus to this song says, “I found a reason for me to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new and the reason is you.”  The other variation of the chorus at the end of the song says, “I found a reason to show a side of me you didn’t know, a reason for all that I do, and the reason is you."  Hearing these two songs back to back got me thinking.  
It's one thing for me to love someone enough that I want to change the world....  It's something entirely different to love someone enough to want to change myself.  I know people who work hard everyday to fight the inequality and injustice that plagues our society but who won't spend 15 minutes dealing with their own personal demons.  The problem with this kind of living is that you can do great things and make change for others, but at the end of the day, you still have to live with you.  This is part of why many famous people have addictions and issues - they do great things on the public front but they are unable to deal with their personal things.  Part of that is the fact that there is a tremendous amount of pressure on them socially because of society's celebrity worship, but I digress.
The reality is that facing your own stuff is hard.  When I have to face my past, my childhood scars, my imperfections, my insecurities, my pain, and all that is not so awesome within me, it makes me want to run or hide.  This is why it's easy for things like alcohol, drugs, sex, and other addictions to become part of our lives - we want something that will ease/hide the pain.  I will be the first to admit that I have had occasions where I've enjoyed a drink or two more than I should have because I didn't want to deal with an emotional pain that I was feeling.  Of course, it only helped for a moment, because once the buzz was gone and I woke up, the issue and the hurt were still there (and there were times when I've done stupid things while in my buzzed space that made things worse).  
So if I love you enough to have the courage to face my own stuff, then I think that speaks volumes.  I might love someone enough to stand up for a cause, risking death or something like that, but it's another thing to do the work of opening up myself and laying myself on the operating table.  I recognize that I'm not perfect, but that doesn't always mean that I want to face or do anything about my imperfections.  Yet, if my issues are hurting someone I love, then you best believe I will find a way to change them.  I can't allow my issues and insecurities to hurt someone I love and say "that's just the way I am," because that's simply not true.  Some things we do are part of a coping mechanism from previous pain, and it causes us to do things that hurt those closest to us.  That's why it's important to take time with your own stuff (whether you are single or in a relationship) and make the necessary changes to do better - for yourself and for those you love.

Day 296 - Love through the Eyes of a Child

While I did not write this, I think it's absolutely beautiful and I wanted to share it with you as part of my blog.  Enjoy...

What Love means to a 4-8 year old...

Touching words from the mouth of babes..

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds ,

'What does love mean?'

... The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined

See what you think:

'When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time , even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing , you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
And listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend who you hate , '

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it everyday..'

Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford ..'

Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross..'

Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard , climbed onto his lap , and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor , the little boy said ,

'Nothing , I just helped him cry'  

Day 295 - Best Thing I Never Had

While this song may not seem like a love song per se, I think it speaks to the type of love that I've been blogging about the most - self love.  Sometimes you have to recognize a person for who/what they really are and decide that, despite what's in your heart for them, that you need/deserve more than they can/will give.

"What goes around comes back around, hey, my baby.  What goes around comes back around, my, my, my baby.  I say, what goes around comes back around, hey, my baby.  What goes around comes back around."  I'm a strong believer in karma, so I do my best to treat others and stay faithful and respectful of relationship.  It appears that the sing has been wronged in some way by the person she cared for, and she is essentially that what he did to her will be done back to him. 
"There was a time I thought that you did everything right - no lies, no wrong.  Boy, I must've been out of my mind."  It's amazing how we sometimes wear the rose-colored glasses of infatuated love that make a person appear more wonderful than they are and without flaws.  Of course, sometimes, the person plays a large part in that, hiding and covering up and lying to give us that impression.  But it's not long before the truth confronts us and we have to decide what to do with it.

"So when I think of the time that I almost loved you, you showed your ass and I saw the real you.  Thank God you blew it.  I thank God I dodged a bullet.  I'm so over you, so, baby, good looking out."  As the singer reflects, she thinks how close she came to giving her heart to someone who was truly deserving, and she can't help but to praise God for delivering her.  There are times when God doesn't give us what we pray/ask for, and this seems to be one of the times when we see why.  She avoided making a huge mistake, and she is thankful to the person for revealing his true colors in time enough for her to run and avoid complete heartbreak. 
"I wanted you bad.  I'm so through with that, cuz honestly, you turned out to be the best thing I never had.  You turned out to be the best thing I never had, and I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had.  Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now."  She badly wanted to be in relationship with him, really liking him, but now that the truth of who he is has come out, she has no more desire for him.  This is where the self love comes in - you have to recognize that despite the palpitations of your heart, if someone doesn't treat you well, you have to be willing to let them go no matter how much you wanted them.  While he appeared to be great, he is really the best at being the worst.  He is at the top of the list for what she doesn't need.  And on the other hand, she is the best person that he will never have.  She confidently asserts that she is amazing and that because he screwed up, he missed out on having someone awesome like her.  No one as awesome as she is will ever love him. 
"So sad, you're hurt, boohoo.  O, did you expect me to care?  You don't deserve my tears, I guess that's why they ain't there."  For her, she sees that he now has regrets and is upset by the way things have played out, but she finds it hard to have sympathy when he is the one that messed up and did her wrong.  He made the choice to do her wrong, so she can't be sympathetic about the consequences of his actions.

"I know you want me back.  It's time to face the facts that I'm the one that's got away.  Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life.  Thank God I found the good in good-bye."  It is time for him to accountable, taking responsibility for his actions.  He has done wrong to her, and there is no getting her back.  In the music video, she is getting married to someone else, so it really looks like there is no more possibility for him.  She says it would take another world and another lifetime for there to be possibility, but in this present space, nope.  She once again thanks God for redirecting her path and for allowing her to see the good in good-bye.  While most people hate saying "good-bye," in this case, it proved to be a good thing, because it is keeping her from future heartache at the hands of this person.

Day 294 - Afraid to Be Alone

I was talking to my best friend the other day, and we were talking about a mutual friend who we've observed in some interesting relational patterns. I've known her for about 7 years, and in that time, she hasn't been single for more than a month.  This is not because she's been with the same person since we met.  Actually, she has had several persons of interest in that time, but she doesn't believe in taking too much of a break between them.  In fact, there were instances where she was already on the hunt before her current relational situation had ended.  The more we discussed her relational patterns, the more I thought about the people I know and even myself, and I began to see that this is more the norm than the exception. Now, this is not to say that everyone is what one of my friends calls a "serial monogamist" or "serial dater" (two different things by the way) but there are some parallels in behavior among some of the people I'm closest to (myself included) that I've observed that mirror my friend's patterns.
What do I mean?  Well, as the title of the entry suggests, some people are just afraid to be by themselves.  I will use myself as an example (because I know myself better than I know other people).  Though my number of actual, status change on Facebook relationships is fairly low since I started high school 13 years ago (wow, I feel slightly old saying that), especially considering the fact that my longest relationship was 9 months (with a break in the middle), in much of that time, there wasn't much time that I didn't have some sort of relational situation.  This could be that I was talking to someone, hanging out with someone, flirting with someone, having a crush on someone, or any number of things.  The point is that I didn't spend much time without some sort of attachment.  In undergrad, things were a bit different, but for the most part, I had not spent a significant amount of time by myself. 
Why is this a problem?  Well, considering that between then and now I have gone through much and transformed tremendously as a person, it makes a difference.  I am a very introspective person, and so I spend a good deal of time thinking about myself and how things are affecting/changing me.  Yet, even with all my introspection, there are certain parts of myself that I am just now coming to terms with (namely my emotions), and it is difficult to work out my emotions and my sense of self while trying to give my all to someone else in relationship (because I'm going to give my all regardless - that's just how I function in relationship).  Some things are best worked through with someone else, because when you're in a relational situation, you can see things about yourself that you can't see on your own.  But in that same vein, when there are things in you that need to be fixed or worked on in order to improve yourself (especially once the relational situation has ended), it is best to take a moment to work through those things that you have discovered.  Jumping into something will someone else will not likely be helpful, because the necessary growth as a result of where you were has probably not had time to happen adequately yet.
Why do we do it?  Well, there are any number of reasons that people refuse to or feel unable/unwilling to be by themselves.  I've heard it said that "the best way to get over an old love is to get under a new one," but I'm inclined to disagree.  It's true that a new relational situation can distract you from the pain/feelings associated with the previous one, but that doesn't mean that you are any more healed or over the person.  For me, I will say that part of it is desiring to feel loved.  It is as natural as the day is long to want to feel loved - it is a basic human need after all.  The problem comes in when that need becomes an unhealthy desire to be constantly surrounded and affirmed by others because your own self-love is not in place as it should be.  I came to the realization a couple years ago that because I didn't have a foundation of self-love that my heart was a like a bucket with a whole in the bottom - no matter how much love was poured in, it would always find its way back out because the hole was there and I could never feel secure just as I was.  This is why love for others has to come after a healthy self love. 
We tend to think (especially because society has confirmed) that if we are by ourselves, then it means that we are not loved or that something is wrong with us.  This is especially true of women once they reach a certain age.  We tend to get the questions about being single, wanting to get married, etc.  My dad asked me a few weeks ago when he would have some grandchildren, which is hilarious to me considering the fact that I still live in his house - priorities....  But the pressure of society, combined with our own insecurities and longings can cause us to chase sex, relationships, attention, and the like without regard for our overall emotional health and well-being.  Sure, it's grand to have someone, especially when there is some level of connection and they can help you feel loved/grow, but there is nothing like a little time to yourself.  This is also where the rebound phenomenon comes about, and we can end up hurting people by trying to put them in the emotional space that someone before filled (or our own personal emotional void).  Been there, done that too. 
So I would strongly advise taking some time to yourself, especially if it's been a long time since you've done so.  It's better to take a little time to yourself and be sure of where you stand than to continue in a relational situation that is not really good for you or the person you are with.  And anyone who doesn't understand your need/desire to pause in order to grow should probably be re-evaluated.  Don't be afraid to sit with you, because you are always going to be with you.  Yes, there may some stuff that you need to deal with that's less than pleasant, but it's better to live the truth of all of who you are than to live in a bubble of surface relationship to yourself. 
[I think there's more that I can say, but that will have to wait for another entry...]