Day 208 - Understood

“I didn’t wanna be understood, because I think it made me feel vulnerable to be understood.”  -“What Not to Wear” contestant

Understand = “to be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of.”  Being understood is a deep thing.  It’s one thing for someone to kinda know you, but for someone to know you enough to understand you is a serious thing that can be intense.  And when you have been accustomed to hiding or being less than open, then opening up enough for someone to know and understand you can be a terrifying thought.  This is especially true if you don’t think that who you really are is worth knowing and loving or if who you are isn’t traditionally acceptable. 

Being open enough to be understood makes you extremely vulnerable.  It means that you are allowing someone to get super close to you.  They are not only getting to know you, but they are hearing/seeing what makes you tick such that they can understand why you do what you do.  Like with open-heart surgery, you have to cut your chest open to get to the heart.  It takes work and may cause pain and pushing part fear, but without a properly functioning heart, the body doesn’t work properly and death can be the result.  So while it can be a hard thing, being understood can help with being truly loved (and is probably a little bit necessary).  And if you can trust someone enough to open up to them so that they can understand you, then real relationship can be had, and isn’t that the goal?  :)

Of course, many of us have experiences that are less than pleasing with opening up, and so we avoid it when possible.  Being that open  is scary enough, but when we have a history of our openness being taken advantage of and used against us, it can severely limit our desire to be open to that possibility again.  We'd rather live in a shell without any real connection than to endure the pain and the heartache that come with such betrayals.  And this is understandable, because to be betrayed or used at your deepest levels can be a life-altering experience.  But the beauty of living through such an event is that you live through it and have the ability to get stronger in areas of discernment and endurance.  True, it sucks to get hurt, but there is always a risk in relationship.  But when the risk pays off and you find a person or persons to really love and understand you... there's nothing like it in the world.  And I believe that kind of complete connection is what the Divine desires for us, both with Itself and with other people.  Because those moments can make you truly feel alive.  

So if you have the opportunity, begin to trust yourself and open up to others.  I know that I sometimes think I'm fairly complex and would keep myself from others fearing that they wouldn't understand... but that's because I wasn't allowing them to.  And of course, since some of my friends have great discernment, they had some help in understanding me...  But either way, letting people in will not be the end of the world, and being understood could be just the beginning of some great things.  Go for it.

Day 207 - My All

Since the blog entry yesterday was about giving your all, this song came to mind, and I figured I'd blog about it.

"I am thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight.  If it’s wrong to love you, then my heart just won’t let me right, cuz I’ve drowned in you and I won’t pull through without you by my side."  There is (or possibly was) a love relationship that is apparently no longer active.  She is apparently not used to sleeping alone, but she desires to be back in the relationship.  She is so deeply invested that she is willing to be wrong if it means remaining connected to the one she loves.  She can have many applications and issues, so some of this drive can be good (to be in a healthy relationship that society might not be open enough to accept) or bad (to be in an unhealthy relationship or a relationship that hurts other people - i.e. a relationship with a married person).  She feels that she can't go on without this person in her life.  While I will always argue that there should be no person should ever have such power in your life that you cannot live with them, I can understand the strength of a love that makes it feel as if life would be painfully empty without their presence and what they mean.  And that's where she is. 
"I’d give my all to have just one more night with you.  I’d risk my life to feel your body next to mine, cuz I can’t go on living in the memory of our song.  I’d give my all for your love tonight."  Because of this, she is willing to give her all, to sacrifice, to do what is necessary to have that time with her love, even if it's just for the night.  I'm pretty sure this is about more than sex, and I think for her, even if they just spend the night in each other's arms, that will be enough, because it's about the connection.  Sometimes, love does take risks and sometimes it requires us giving when we otherwise wouldn't or we don't always want to.  But if the love and the relationship are worth it, then sometimes you have to get beyond yourself and your comfort zone and do what's necessary to make things work.
"Baby, can you feel me, imagining I’m looking in your eyes?  I can see you clearly, vividly emblazoned in my mind, and yet you’re so far, like a distant star I’m wishing on tonight."  The memory of her love is strong in her mind despite the distance.  She can feel the person, and she is wondering if the same is true on the other end.  The heart doesn't feel physical distance, but it can feel the emotional space when there is an issue or separation.  And when it feels that, the emotions can get intense and pull on you.  And it can make you wanna give your all...

Day 206 - Give Your All

“A LOT comes with a friendship or any relationship.  You gotta give your all and expect the same in return or it isn’t a relationship, more like associates.”

I have come to the realization that I can think way too much.  This is not to say that I will ever stop thinking, because I know that my mind has great capabilities and that my intelligence will do well to serve the world.  But what I’m beginning to realize is that I can have a tendency to over-think, especially in relationships, and that this can be my defense mechanism.  Well, I tweeted that I was thinking again about relationships, and one of my newest friends asked me about it.  After we had talked about it a bit, she tweeted the above statement.  It hit me like a ton of bricks. 

As simple as that thought is, it is very profound.  In a great relationship, you are able to give all of who you are.  You have to be willing to open and share and be vulnerable.  If not, there can be no relationship.  Anybody can be a hang out partner (a person who is just fun to chill with but who you don’t actually talk to about anything serious) or a counselor (someone who just provides advice) or a child (someone who just receives care), but it takes two people willing to be open and vulnerable and trust each other in order to have a friendship.  It’s been said time and again that without trust, there’s no relationship. 

If you don’t trust someone enough to share your issues or trust that they can pour into you in any way, then you’re not in relationship – you’ve put yourself in a position to play a role.  You can’t be in a relationship when you’re playing a role.  Yes, it is easier to keep distance between yourself and others, especially if you are used to being strong for others or if you’re not sure if they can handle your stuff, but there can be no real relationship in such cases.  At the end of the day, that kind of interaction is just two associates who don’t even necessarily need each other in their lives, because anyone could play that role.   The thing about friendship is that it is based on who a person really is, not just the role that the person can fill in someone’s life. 

There is nothing wrong with having associates.  Not every relationship can be a deep and life-changing relationship, and that’s okay.  But if you call it a friendship and operate as such, the key is mutuality.  So as I ponder the relationships in my life, I have come to understand that there are some conversations I need to have and that are some relationships that can no longer wear the friend label, but that’s okay.  And I have to grow up in some aspects as I learn to give more of myself, so that in relationships where others are willing/able to give themselves, it won’t become one-sided because I’m living in fear. 

So, from now on, I shall give my all in relationships, but I shall also have the discernment to see when others aren’t giving their all, the strength to discuss my feelings in relationships openly, and the courage to relate in like fashion no matter what I previously understood as the relationship. 

Day 205 - Papers

“I can’t get to work on time, can’t believe the words to her I just said.  But who the hell argue and fight like dogs at 6 in the morning?  I know it’s gonna be some more s**t tonight.  Our pastor’s calling, telling me I done went too far, and I’m seen around town.  And my friends can’t recognize me, cuz I took a chance on love.  It’s like I’m dying.”  This verse is crazy to me, because it shows how deeply this relationship is affecting his entire life.  It seems that he’s becoming a different person (he’s saying things that he normally wouldn’t), it’s affecting his job, it’s affecting his relationships, and life just seems not to working because of this situation.  He feels like he’s dying, and that is never a good sign in any relationship. 

“For you I gave my heart and turned my back against the world, cause you were my girl, girl, girl.  I done damn near lost my mama.  I done been through so much drama.  I done turned into the man that I never thought I’d be.  I’m ready to sign them papers, papers, papers.  I done took all I can take, but you leave me no options, girl.  I can’t deny how much I love you.  I done gave up everything I had to.  As hard as it is, I’m afraid I gotta say, I’m ready to sign them papers, papers, papers.”  The chorus shows us a man at the end of his rope.  He gave and he invested, but it is costing him too much – his relationship with his mother, his sense of peace, and even himself.  He tried, and he still loves her, but he’s gotten to the point when that he can’t do it anymore.  He’s ready sign the divorce papers and end the relationship. 

“I’m losing my mind, can’t figure out who’s wrong or right.  I know it’s you I love, but then also I know it’s you I don’t like.  You claim you hate who I was, but that’s the reason you here now.  You think I don’t know what’s up, but sweetheart that’s what’s ruined us.  I ain’t afraid to say I got needs, but the only time you here for me is when the bottles popping and everything is sweet.  But I’m tired of sleeping in the other room, spending them long night trying to figure out what in the hell in my heart I ain’t do right.”  This relationship has got him going crazy.  He feels love for her, but he doesn’t like parts of her.  And apparently, she is only there for the money and for the warm and fuzzy.  Now he’s sleeping in a separate room and trying to piece together what happened in their relationship and why things have gone wrong. 

“I can’t keep living this life, I said I’m leaving for the last time – I’m ready, ready, ready.”  Now, the reason I chose to write about this song was because it takes a level of strength to leave a relationship in which you are deeply invested.  When have taken the time to build something with someone, when you grow in relationship with someone, when you share intimate space, when you have grown accustomed to having that person in your life, it’s hard to let go.  People aren’t good at change, and so to change such a close part of yourself and your life takes effort and a sense of self-worth that lets you know that you deserve better.  Even if the person is a good person, they may not be the best person for you.  Though it might take time and strength to break from something, even when it’s a bad situation (why do you think people stay in abusive relationships), if you find yourself in a relationship that is doing more harm than good, leave.  Know that you are worth it and know that a loving relationship should not just be something afforded to a few lucky people.  If need be, sign the papers. 

Day 204 - Layers, Stages, and Seasons

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are layers, stages, and seasons in relationships.  Now, that may not seem like a very profound statement, but if you’ll bear with me, I will explain why I think that matters.  Because of the way that I grew up, I am one who tries to avoid conflict.  For me, there is nothing worse than fighting and arguing and tension and the like.  Of course, this is because I equated fighting with anger and rejection and lack of love.  But as I’ve grown, I have come to understand that disagreement is a natural part of life and relationship.  The question is how things get handled as to whether the relationship is healthy and loving or not. 

In one of my current relationships, I’ve noticed a pattern, and I think that it speaks to the concept of layers, stages, and seasons.  The relationship started with what I’ll call a “warm and fuzzy” period – the time when things are new and happy and fun.  This is where you hang out all the time and there’s little if any conflict as the bond grows.  As the space becomes more comfortable, you begin to let down your guard and open up, sharing more.  Around this time, a shift begins to occur, and the things that are closer to your heart and who you are come to the surface.  When this happens, there is more possibility for conflict to arise.  Since people are being more open, when there are possible signs of conflicts, people tend to react in one of two ways – lashing out or pulling back – out of fear of having the tender parts (now exposed) hurt. 

Here’s where the test comes in.  At this point, the fork in the road presents itself.  Do you avoid the pain and run?  Or do you buckle down and take the time to get past the intense emotions to talk through to resolution?  This depends on whether you think the relationship is worth it, the amount that you’ve invested, your sense of self-worth, and your level of emotional/mental maturity.  Previously, I did whatever I possibly could to avoid conflict, even when confronted with it.  But in this recent relationship, I have been willing to confront issues (even if it took me a minute to get there), because I and the relationship are worth it.  I have gotten to the point where I can feel the tension and the space, and that is what pushes me to speak.  You know the tension I'm talking about – where it takes effort to be in the space, because there are things unspoken hanging in the air that make it hard to relate on a lighter level. 

Either way, at this crucial fork, when you find the strength and courage to be open and communicate, you have the capacity to push the relationship to a new level of understanding, closeness, and intimacy.  Though it takes going through a sticky season of less than happy conversations, if things go well, you will gain greater understanding of yourself and the person(s) with whom you are in relationship.  This allows personal growth and a deeper relational bond.  For example, in the conversation I had a few weeks back with my sister friend, I not only learned/faced some truths about myself, but I learned some things about her and how all that affected the dynamics of our relationship.  And when both parties come to important realizations and make strides to move forward based on what was learned (and hopefully healed), the relationship has no choice but to get stronger and closer by virtue of the fact that two (or more) people have opened up their hearts and allowed another person  into their intimate space.

Of course, it’s possible that one person gains healing and moves forward, but the other person(s) doesn’t move.  This can cause further conflict.  As I was telling one of my friends, it’s like one person standing naked and vulnerable while the other person stands fully clothed and just looking.  The naked party can feel violated, because they took the step to be open but are not shown the same courtesy.  So ideally, it would be a mutual sharing and moving forward. 

So, where are your relationships currently?  Are they in the warm and fuzzy stage?  Are they in a conflict stage?  Are they in the discussion stage?  Are they in the resolution stage where a deeper warm and fuzzy is possible?  Do you stick with relationships beyond the warm and fuzzy?  Take time to look at your relationships and see if there are areas where a conversation or some understanding is needed.  When you sense that tension, take the initiative and courage to open the lines of communication and work to bring healing to both parties.  Trust me, you’ll feel 10 pounds lighter. 

Day 203 - I Wanna Know

“It’s amazing how you knock me off my feet.  Every time you come around me, I get weak.  Nobody ever made me feel this way – you kiss my lips and then you take my breath away.  So I wanna know…”  This first verse is the singer expressing his response to his companion’s presence and love.  He appears to be taken with her, possibly bordering on infatuation, and this causes him to want to know things about her.  What things, you may ask?  Let’s go to the chorus and find out.

“I wanna know what turns you on so I can be all that and more.  I’d like to know what makes you cry so I can be the one who always makes you smile.”  He wants to know 2 things – at least that he’s asking about.  He wants to know what turns her on.  In my mind, this can be sexual, but it also be things that peak her interest or make her happy outside the bedroom.  And he says he’d like to know what makes her cry, presumably so he can avoid doing those things and then make her smile.  I think this is a beautiful gesture, and as Rihanna said, “you’re so amazing – you took the time to figure me out.  That’s why you take me way past the point of turning me on.”  When someone cares enough to get to know you for real, it takes things beyond sexual to an intimate, personal, deeply connected level of relationship. 

“Girl, he never understood what you were worth, and he never took the time to make it work.  Baby, I’m the kind of man who shows concern.  Any way that I can please you, let me learn.”  It appears that there was a previous relationship that he either observed or has heard about from her.  Either way, the previous man didn’t appear to value her or try to make things work with her in the relationship.  In contrast, the singer wants to show that she’s appreciated and learn what pleases her.  He is willing to listen to her and her needs, not just assuming that he knows what she likes and how things should go, and that’s important in relationship.  No matter how many relationships we have been in prior to the current person, we cannot assume that what worked for others will work for this person – everyone is different.  The only thing that is consistent for every person alive is that everyone needs love, but even the way that people express and receive love is different, so each person deserves the respect of being learned and loved as they need.

“Tell me what I gotta do to please you.   Baby, anything you say I’ll do, cuz I only wanna make you happy – from the bottom of my heart it’s true.”  He’s asking her to instruct him in the ways of pleasing him, and he’s willing to do whatever she requests.  His desire is to make her happy, presumably because he loves her.  Even though he doesn’t say it explicitly, he says that his desire for her happiness comes from the bottom of his heart.  Either way, he is emotionally invested and is working to make her happy. 

“I wish that I could take a journey through your mind, and find emotions that you always try to hide.  I do believe that there’s a love you wanna share.  I’ll take good care of you, lady, have no fear.”  This might be my favorite line in the song.  Because I have a slight ability to see things in people that they prefer to hide, I have been in situations where people were trying to hide, and I could see the fear.  Fear can be a powerful and destructive force in relationships, especially as it relates to emotions and love.  I encourage you to seek some healing for emotional scars within yourself before attempting a relationship, but I will also say that some healing from relational scars can only come within relationships.

It appears that the singer has been attempting to encourage this woman, who he knows has been hurt, to love and trust him.  While I appreciate his care and concern for her, I would advise the woman to be sure that she’s ready to enter into another relationship.  There’s nothing worse than picking someone up when you’re on the rebound and having to move on when that period is over.  And if he really cares for her, he will wait and even just be her friend in the meantime in order to help her through. 

Day 202 - Know v. Feel

"It is one thing for someone to know that they are loved but it is another thing for them to feel it!" -Deborah M. Martin

I feel like I've touched on this before, but I think it deserves mentioning again, because it is the crux of a lot of issues in relationships.  So often we can hear the words "I love you" and see someone's actions or receive the gifts, but it is a completely different thing to feel that love in your heart and truly accept it as your reality.  As I've quoted before, "the longest trip a person takes is from head to heart" (Fred Craddock).  
I once heard someone share a story of a young orphan who was was attacked.  A man defended the child and took him into his home.  He cared for him and fed him until he was better.  He told the boy that he wanted to adopt him and make him his son.  The boy was excited, but then he frowned.  The man asked what was wrong, and the boy said, I was just wondering how I will eat and where I'll get clothes and the like.  The man said, do you really think I would take you into my home and call you my son but not feed you and make sure that you are taken care of?  That's what a father does.  
This little boy saw the outward signs and heard the words, but he didn't apply it to himself and his reality.  He was still thinking as an unloved, orphan when he was in the presence and protection of a man who wanted to be (and even acted like) his father. And in relationships in general, we can see and hear that we are loved, but the conscious knowledge and the full acceptance/embracing can be two different things.  
I think a lot of this has to do with how we feel about ourselves and our willingness/ability to receive love.  If we don't think ourselves worthy of love, it will be harder to feel love, even when it is lavished on us.  So take some time and listen to the messages that you tell yourself and that you receive from other people (past and present).  Are any of them hindering your ability to receive love?  If so, begin counteracting them and speak positive truth to yourself.  You deserve healing and love, so you can actually feel the love and not just know it's there.