Day 220 - Make Me Better

“I’m a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we’re together.  Mami, I'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better.”  I absolutely love the chorus to this song.  It really epitomizes what relationships should be.  There is a prevailing thought (and some media with the theme) that “I can do bad all by myself,” so ideally, any relationship we engage in should help us and enhance our lives in some way.  Otherwise, for all the work and stress that relationships take, it would be MUCH easier to just be by ourselves.  This chorus captures this truth, as this man expresses the fact that he is sufficient by himself, but the woman in his life makes him even better than he is by himself. 

“You plus me, it equal better math.  Your boy a good look, but she my better half.  I’m already boss and I’m already flossing, but why have the cake if it ain’t got the sweet frosting?  Keeping me on my A game without having the same name.  They may flame, but shorty, we burn it up.  The sag in my swag.  The pep in my step.  Daddy do the Gucci, Mami in Gisettes.  Yes, it’s a G thing whenever we swing.  Imma need Coretta Scott if I’m gon be King.”  He starts this verse by essentially saying that their union as a whole is greater than the sum of the two of them.  As he is on his own, he’s great and he has it going on, but with her, things are exponentially greater.  She is the complement to his already established and amazing life.  Cake by itself is good, but icing just adds that extra kick of sweetness that makes it taste that much better.  They may not be married or related, but she adds to his life and helps keep him in check, doing his best.  He recognizes that in order for him to do great things, he will need some good support, and he sees that as her.  This can be true for all of us, whether it’s a good friend, a parent, a sibling, a romantic relationship, or even a community of folks – none of us can do and be all that we are supposed to on our own.  Of course, we have to take the time to establish and nurture quality relationships that will help us get where we want to be, because it doesn’t help to have people around just to say that you have someone.

“First things first – does what I do.  Everything I am, she’s my improve.  I’m already boss.  I’m already fly, but if I’m a star, she is the sky.  And when I feel like I'm on top, she give me reason to not stop.  And though I’m hot, together we burn it up.”  The woman in his life seems to be his motivator and his encouragement.  She gives him reason to do what he does and she even seems to be the backdrop to what he does, being the sky in which the stars shine.  Reminds me of the concept of “wind beneath my wings” – while the wind may not be seen, the bird cannot fly without it.  It plays a supportive role even from the background.

“The cleaned up cut, the cleaned up ice – when Shorty come around, I clean up nice.  Dynamic duo – Batman and Robin.  Whoever don’t like it, it’s that man’s problem.  And when I feel like I'm tired, Mami be taking me higher.  I’m on fire, but Shorty, we burn it up.”  His girl inspires him to do better and maintain his appearance.  It’s not a matter of looking good to impress or even keep the one you’re with – it’s about putting in effort to show the person that you care enough to clean up for them and look nice.  And he regards their relationship so highly that he says that anyone who doesn’t like it is irrelevant, writing it off as that person’s issue to contend with and not one that will affect his relationship with his girl.  He knows that he can’t do what he does as well as he does without her, because she helps him keep going when things get tough, and because of this, they do great things together.

“Cuz beside every great man, you can find a woman like a soldier holding him down.  She treats me like a Don – watches for the hit.  Checks where I go, even watches who I’m with.  Right when I'm wrong so I never slip.  Show me how to move – that’s why I never trip.  And baby girl, you so major, they should front page you.  God bless the parents who made you.  Middle finger anybody who hate the way we burn it up.”  Beside every great person is a great support.  No matter how great someone is as an individual, that person needs someone to watch their back and help them see things.  His girl watches his associates, because she understands that the people you surround yourself with influence you greatly.  She watches what he does and advises him on how to make the best moves.  He appreciates what she does, saying she should be on the front page of the newspaper, held up for all to see.  He even thanks God for her parents who were brought together to create her.  And once again, he defies anyone to come against their relationship.  He recognizes that there may be haters, but he’s not concerned about their opinion.  I wish that in life it were always this easy to dismiss people’s opinions of relationships, but that’s its own blog entry….

Day 219 - I Think I Love U

“We’ve been together less than a week, but I swear it seems like to 2 years at least.  Whether face to face or over the phone, when I hear your voice, I’m right at home.  You’re so beautiful – more than a man could ever want, girl.  Got me looking for cameras to see if I’m being punked.  Trying to take it slow.  Ain’t no sense in lying to you or to myself.”  This first verse brings a confession by the singer of the song.  He has been dating this girl for a short time, but the connection and vibe that they have makes it seem as if it’s been much longer.  Part of me thinks that they have been talking for a while before they became official, which helps this make more sense, but no matter the timeline, he feels that it’s probably too short for him to feel the way that he does.  Yet, he recognizes the comfort that he finds with her and the beauty that defines her.  Things seem too good to be true, and he finds himself checking to make sure that this is real, because it feels like a dream or a scripted TV show.

“I know it’s early.  I know it’s soon, but truth be told, I think I love you.  It’s unexpected, so out of the blue.  Gotta let you know – I think I love you.”  And the chorus breaks out just what he feels.  He recognizes that the time has been short, but he cannot deny how he feels.  He feels that he loves her.  The depth of his feelings has caught him off guard, but he wants her to know how he feels.  [Now, this is where the things I’ve learned about love in the time since starting this blog are beginning to stir within me.  This might just be how I function, but I have come to understand love as a basic way of relating.  Does that mean that I love someone as soon as I meet them?  No.  But as I get to know a person, especially if I can feel some resonance with them, I begin to love them.  This doesn’t mean that I’m in love with everyone I know or that I want to romantically involved with them all.  It means that I have a level of care for and commitment to each person I know, and I want to see them happy and grow, becoming the best that they can be.  In my mind, this is love.  As I explained to a friend recently, I am an all or nothing person in relationships.  I'm selective as to who I really let in, but if I care about you, I care for real.]

“The way you touch me.  The way you look at me.  Everything about you is so, so sexy.  You do your own thing.  You got your own money.  Everything about you is so damn beautiful.  More than a man could ever want, girl.  Got me looking for Ashton to see if I’m being punked.  Trying to take it slow.  Ain’t no sense in lying to you or to myself.”  His girl has everything – beauty, independence, sexual appeal, etc.  The connection they have is phenomenal, and she affects him in a major (positive) way that blows his mind.  Because of this, he is even looking for Ashton Kutcher to come out from hiding and tell him that he’s been punked, because there’s no way anything this awesome could be real.

“I never felt this way so fast, so fast about anyone.  Hate to admit it but I got it bad, baby girl.  But it’s a good thing.”  In his previous relationships, time has never brought a love like this so quickly.  He’s got it bad, but he sees it as a positive.  While the timetable on the love is surprisingly short, he is okay with it, because of the beauty that he experiences in the situation. 

Day 218 - Love: Renewed Degrees and Definitions

Every so often in dealing with this blog, I have re-examined my own definition of love based on what I’ve written and learned along this journey.  It’s been a minute since I blogged, and I think part of that isn’t lack of inspiration but lack of articulation.  There has been a lot going on in my own life and in the lives of those around me, and it’s got me pondering and expressing this very sensitive L word in new ways.  I hardly know where to begin, but in an effort to get my literary life back together, here I go.

·         Love often begins sooner than you think.  I was listening to a song the other day (one I may blog about in the near future), and it made me realize that love isn’t one of those things in life that follows our schedule.  It has no regard for what else we have going on in life and what we think we should be doing.  In fact, it seems to tend to show up at the most inconvenient times.  But I’ve realized about love’s timing is that it tends to be fairly perfect.  If we waited until we were “ready,” it would probably never happen.  The question is always how we handle what we are experiencing. 

·         When you are open to love, you find it.  Love is much more abundant than we think, but we often confine it to the romantic notions of a relationship between a man and a woman.  Love is so much greater than that, and if we allow our minds and hearts to grasp love beyond this model, our lives will be much more fulfilled.  The greatest love I have ever had in my life (aside from Love Herself) has been that of my Sisters.  Granted, I have had some romantic relationships that have done some healing and helping in my life, but my Sisters have shown me love that continues to blow my mind.  I have experienced levels of intimacy and sharing that I only expected to have in a romantic relationship, but I feel that it was Divinely inspired in order to help me grow and to help me love in a more complete way.  There’s a toothpaste commercial that ends with “life opens us when you do.”  I believe that this is true in the most basic form.  If you have your eyes open to love, you will see it in more places than you think.  But if you maintain the same definitions and expectations for love and its packages, you will probably miss out on the greatest blessings and possibilities of your life.

·         Love and relationships are hard work.  I have come to realize in the past couple of years (and esp. in the last year) that relationships are not as simple as sharing space and talking a little bit or going to the mall together.  A real, deep relationship – friendship, romantic partnership, sisterhood, brotherhood, etc – requires honest and constant communication, a willingness to grow as well as to push the other person to grow, self-awareness, awareness of/sensitivity to the other, time, commitment, care, and a level of sharing in the lives and vulnerable spaces of each other that requires more than the average person may not be willing or even able to give.  These types of relationships require a certain amount of mental and emotional health in order for them to be mutual.  They require push and pull, give and take, and effort, especially in the moments when you’d rather not be bothered.  And if you have any insecurities or emotional baggage, prepare for a good relationship to challenge and make you face it.  The only way to learn trust is to be in a situation where you have to exercise trust in the face of something that would normally make you shrink back and run away to protect your heart.

There’s more, but I’ll stop there for the sake of brevity.  We’ll see what the future and my relationships continue to teach me.

Day 217 - How to Love

While I tend to be on the fence about some of Lil Wayne’s content (even though I love his lyrical creativity), this song was quite mind-blowing to me. It is not only positive and affirming, but it isn’t all about drugs and money and sex, so I appreciated that. Though it is interesting to hear Lil Wayne “sing,” I appreciate the mellow vibe of the song. Makes you really lay back and listen, taking in the words I’ve been meaning to do this song since I first heard it a while back, but I’m finally sitting down and getting to it. Enjoy.

“You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart. Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out how to love, how to love. You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever, now you in the corner tryna put together how to love, how to love. For a second you were here. Why you over there? It’s hard not to stare. The way you moving your body like you never had a love, never had a love.” The chorus is a good start for the song. He starts off by saying that the person he’s addressing has had some tough times with love and relationship. The person’s heart has been the target of “crooks,” who are presumably people who didn’t have good intentions for it or the person attached to it. And because of these experiences of mistreatment, misfortune, and possibility turned to disappointment, the concept of real love has never been grasped. This seems to lead to introspection, because the desire for love has not disappeared despite the negative experiences. It seems to me that the person he’s talking to may be a stripper (or at the very least, a girl dancing at a club). He seems to be saying that she moves as if sex is the only thing that matters, and there is no emotional involvement in what she is doing, especially since her previous experience may have influenced her to hide her emotions. Even when her body is one place, her mind can be far away, thinking about what she wants/needs but cannot seem to find. “When you was just a youngen, your looks were so precious. But now you’re grown up – so fly, it’s like a blessing, but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds without you being insecure. You never credit yourself, so when you got older, it seems like you came back 10 times over. Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder.” When the young lady in question was younger, she was cute, and she’s grown into a beautiful young lady. This may have attracted the attention of the crooks (men who pursued her exterior for their pleasure without concern for her heart), and it has affected her as she was looking for love and received hurt instead. With this kind of pattern (and the lack of true affirmation within herself), she may have come to believe that she’s not worth much beyond her looks, since that’s what her experiences and relationships have shown her. She’s become self-conscious when men look at her, assuming that they are only looking at her body to take from her. Having dealt with this for years, she has become a lady who wants love but who constantly feels the need to protect herself – hence the looking over her shoulder. But the contrast that I always find amazing is that while she’s trying to protect herself (see http://thelovelyyear.blogspot.com/2011/08/day-211-brick-walls.html to understand how the protection can manifest, because though the woman in the song appears shy, there are other ways of protecting self), she is still reaching out for love. For me, this speaks to the depth of need for love that the human heart possesses despite the scars and hurts that we encounter along the way. I’ve discovered that even those who verbally resist love have a desire deep down to have love – they just want love that is true. Admittedly, I have been one such person, but I have come to understand that love does exist and that it is all around – I just can’t be scared to receive it when it does come. Am I weary of crooks? Yes, but I thank God for discernment and the internal strength God has given me to be selective with those who I allow into my internal space.
“You had a lot of dreams that transformed to visions. The fact you saw the world affected all your decisions, but it wasn’t your fault, wasn’t in your intentions to be the one here talking or me, be the one listening. But I admire popping bottles and dipping just as much as you admire bartending and stripping. Baby, so don’t be mad, nobody else tripping. You seen a lot of crooks and the crooks still crooked.” Sometimes life happens to us in ways that alter our perception and actions, causing us to end up in places that we didn’t envision for ourselves. Despite this fact, life can still turn out alright or even turn around, making some great lemonade out of sour lemons. The important thing is finding the revelation of self-love, even if you happen to be a stripper or a famous rapper. This also shows that we can learn life lessons in the most unexpected places, so we always have to be open for what life will bring us. “Oooh, see I just want you to know that you deserve the best. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual, far from the usual.” This may be my favorite part of the song. Lil Wayne, who previously put out a song called “Every Girl,” which essentially made women into sexual objects to be added to his list of things to do, is taking time to tell a woman who has dealt with issues of insecurity and heartbreak that she is beautiful and unique and that she deserves real love and care.
I want to take it a step further and say that everyone, man or woman is beautiful and unique in his/her own way and is fully deserving of real love. I challenge you to look at yourself and where you stand in regards to love. Do you see it as an unattainable entity that experience has told you that you don’t deserve? If so, realize that there have probably been some crooks in your life that didn’t deserve the beauty that was you and who hurt you. Don’t allow them to continue to be a reflection of how you see yourself. Just because they didn’t recognize your beauty doesn’t mean it isn’t there – they just may be blind. You may have never figured out how to love, but today is a good day to start. And let your heart do most of the teaching.

Day 216 - Beautiful Surprise

I have loved this song since the first time I heard it.  It is an absolutely beautiful song, and there are no words that can describe the feeling of being in such a place, but I appreciate that India.Arie took some time to create such a song...
"It's like yesterday I didn't even know your name.  Now today, you're always on my mind.  I never could have predicted that I feel this way.  You are beautiful surprise." For the singer of the song, she has recently met someone who has caught her off guard.  In the short time that she's known this new person, she has found herself captivated, and now this person has become an important part of her life.  At first glance, there was no way of knowing the beauty that was to come from the initial interaction, but surprisingly, this new person has made a deep impact in a short amount of time.
"Intoxicated every time I hear your voice - you've got me on a natural high.  It's almost like I didn't even have a choice... You are a beautiful surprise."  In this verse, she expresses the effect that this new person has on her.  Similar to the effects of a drug, she feels intoxicated with the voice and thought of the person - intoxication being an "overpowering exhilaration or excitement of the mind or emotions."  She seems unable to escape the powerful feelings that come as a result of interacting, feeling like she was without a choice.  It's almost as if greater forces were at work to create the space and the connection that she experiences, and this is another surprising and beautiful result of this new friend.
"Whatever it is you came to teach me, I am here to learn it cuz I believe that we are written in the stars.  I don't know what the future holds, but I'm living in the moment, and I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are."  I think that this is my favorite part of the song. Each person we encounter is in our lives to teach us something, and I appreciate that she is open enough to not only understand that this man is here to teach her something, but she is willing to allow the relationship to be what it is without trying to control it.  She is aware enough to gain what he is there to teach without trying to make him a permanent part of her life if it is not meant to be such.  We often mess up trying to plan for the future and walk down the aisle with someone who is supposed to love us and help us heal for a season.  While thinking about the future is important, I think that we would do better (at times) to simply enjoy and receive, appreciating the beauty of what is currently going on.  This isn't to say that we completely ignore all consequences, but at times, we should simply embrace what is without thinking too hard about whatever else.  Because of who he is (not necessarily what he does or gives her), he is exactly what she needs.  It brings to mind the thought - "he may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me."
"You are everything I ask for in my prayers, so I know my angels brought you to my life.  Your energy is healing to my soul.  You are a beautiful surprise."  Even though this person was a beautiful surprise, she has come to recognize that he embodies what she has prayed for.  It's only Divine orchestration that could have provided someone so perfect at such a time.  He has the correct vibe and aura that matches the need in her life at this moment, and she understands that this is a relationship is not by accident.
"You are an inspiration to my life... You are the reason why I smile... You are a beautiful surprise."  This man inspires her.  This man makes her smile.  This is a surprising blessing that has entered her life and left his mark. 

Day 215 - The Infamous Checklist

I was talking to a friend who recently got into a relationship, and she said something over and over that struck me – “he’s just not what I expected.” Now, I feel like I should clarify before you get concerned (because admittedly I was too – I thought my friend might be settling or disappointed). She was telling me that she had a list of things she wanted in a perfect mate and how seemed to be the opposite of most of the times that she had imagined. You know the list I’m talking about – it’s the one that we all have and tend to pull out when we meet someone who has potential, comparing their traits with the checklist. Well, at first I thought her statement was odd, but as we talked further, I began to see. Her list wasn’t full of superficial items like has to be 6’2 and make at least $100K a year, but the things that her list entailed have been… reimagined in her new friend.
For instance, she wanted an intelligent man, but she had always imagined this intelligence to be in the form of higher degrees of education. Instead, he brings intelligence in street smarts and in being well-read despite not having more than an Associate’s degree. She wanted a strong man, but she had always imagined this strength as muscles on his arms. Instead, he brings strength in his emotional support and presence in her life, which helps her feel more secure than any bodyguard.
So am I saying to throw away your list? No. Does this mean that you should compromise those things that are important to you? Not necessarily. What I am saying is that your mind has to be open to what life has to offer in a way that you may not expect You may have preferences or things that you think you need, but the One who created is a far better judge of what you need and loves you enough to send it to you. You just have to be open enough to receive the gold if it comes wrapped in aluminum foil.

Day 214 - Mirrors Part 2

In the last entry, I thought about how relationships reflect who we are and how see ourselves.  But in that entry, I focused on relationships that we have had for a while and those that we are most likely comfortable in.  Well, my brain kept going after I finished writing, so a second entry was necessary. 

It is true that our established relationships reflect how we see ourselves, but about the newer ones?  Do they reflect how we see ourselves, or is there something about new acquaintances that gives us a chance to see ourselves a different way and become a different person?  I ended the last entry by saying that the best relationships will help us grow and change, and I believe this.  But I think that, there are times in our relationships that we settle a bit.  People accept quirks and issues as just part of a person’s DNA and personality, so there’s no real push to change. 

The beauty of a new relationship, at least for an introspective person like me, is that it makes me assess where I am and how I relate to the new person.  While my established friends may know that I think all the time and have come to accept that, someone new who comes into my life may be taken aback by the fact that I “analyze everything” and “think too much.”  Now, at this point of assessment, I have two choices – ignore the person’s comment, saying that this trait is just me, or evaluate their perspective (esp. in light of what I perceive about that person) and see if there is truth to their statement.  

I’m fully aware of the fact that I am a very internal person, and much of my life and reality takes place in the intellectual and cognitive portions of myself.  I’ve known this for about as long as I’ve been aware of such places in myself, but the beauty of being older and having experience and enlightenment is that I can better understand why I think as I do.  While I will always be an intellectual person (I’ve come to accept that as part of my core make-up), I have learned that part of my analytical tendencies is a coping mechanism.  As a young person, I learned to use my brain instead of my heart, because my heart had too often been hurt and discredited.  I learned to pick apart a situation, a word, an event, a gesture, etc, hoping to figure out a person’s feelings and intentions so that I could respond accordingly and avoid pain/rejection when possible.  This tendency continued into my young adulthood, and I am now learning to analyze less, letting myself out of the prison of fearful observation and anticipation. 

So, in interacting with new people, I have been able to see the underlying current of what I thought was a natural tendency of mine.  Am I naturally somewhat reserved and observant?  To some degree, yes.  But I have begun to see that not all of that is my authentic self as it is self-preservation.  Interacting with new people also gives me a chance to push myself to act within the framework of what I’ve learned.  I can begin a new relationship on the right foot without having the baggage of prior patterns. 

So, if established relationships are mirrors of how you see yourself, new relationships can be a mirror of how the broader world sees you.  This can be a good thing, because it can allow you to see things that comfortable relationships may overlook, because they are used to you.  It can also confirm things that you already know, reaffirming your sense of self.  So, I encourage broadening your social circle every so often.  This can be especially helpful when you encounter people who are different than your other friends.  They can bring a perspective that similar-minded people don’t have and teach you something new about yourself.