Day 224 - Not Like Crazy

We’ve already established that I’m a huge fan of Jill Scott.  Enough said…  This is a beautiful song by beautiful lady.

“When we first met, I was surprised to get that feeling, that feeling – the kind that don’t wash away with soap.  So sweet to me.  The kind of feeling I need to get me through my darkest days.  For you, I prayed.”  Have you ever met someone and you knew instantly that there was something different about them and they that would impact your life in some major way?  That’s what she’s describing.  There are temporary feelings like lust, and then there are real feelings and connections that can only originate from a deeper place.  For her, she has been impacted in such a way, and this feeling has changed her life in a positive way.  It has given her inspiration to push forward, and it even feels like something that she prayed for.  I will say that sometimes we get things that we prayed for, even though they don’t necessarily come how we think they should.  She may have prayed for growth and received a relationship that pushes her.  Either way, she recognizes that she has prayed for something and that God is answering her request.

“What you do is crazy, babe.   Not like you belong in an asylum crazy, babe.  Like the sun in the morning and the moon at night.  Like the rain falling from the sky.  Like the trees growing from the ground.  I'm astounded, baby, by your love for me and your touching me and your trusting me like you do.”  I love the chorus, because it paints a different way of looking at “crazy,” creatively portraying crazy as just as normal as things found in nature.  And while the things her friend does may seem crazy in some ways, they are really just as natural as breathing and as the grass growing. 

“Even now, I still feel that feeling, although we’ve grown.  We’re still on the same side of the proverbial road, heading in the same direction.  I’m so glad to know with you I spend my time.”  The beauty of such a feeling when it originates from a deeper place is that it sticks around.  Time doesn’t cause it to fade, and the issues of life aren’t typically able to sway it. As their relationship has progressed, they have grown together, continuing to walk together toward a common purpose (which any good relationship will do.  Even though people have separate lives, they can still walk together toward a similar purpose).  Either way, the relationship seems to be blossoming and beautiful, and she is glad to be a part of it.

Day 223 - Puppy

“The difference between ‘butterflies’ in your stomach and actual love is the difference between seeing a picture of an adorable puppy and actually owning a dog.” – Kevin Michael Roberts
When I first read this statement, it struck me as one of the truest and most relevant statements I’d heard in a long time. I shared it with one of my friends, and she agreed. So let’s do what I do best and take a closer look.
When seeing a picture of an adorable puppy, you see the ideal. You are seeing a picture of a reality, but it is a reality that has likely been posed and photo-shopped, a moment set in time to present a desirable picture. And as a visually stimulated society, we have become impressed and enthralled with the looks and image of things. We are obsessed with celebrities and their looks, copying their fashion, their looks, their body shapes, etc. While we do have eyes for a reason, the fact that we need 3-D and HD TV and the art of radio has been all but lost in a lot of ways says that we are fixated on looking at things that please us. So, we can see an adorable puppy and react, feeling a flutter and even an emotional connection. But the moment is fleeting, as is the feeling, because there is only so much that can be gained from a photograph. Even though a picture is worth 1000 words, love has an infinite vocabulary, so this picturesque moment pales in comparison to the depth and complexity of actual relationship.
Even if I were to see that dog on the street being walked by its owner and get to pet and play with it for a bit, I would find a connection and an excitement in that moment. I would get to interact with more than the picture, bonding with the actual object of my affection as we enjoyed a precious moment together. I would equate this to a date or even a one-night stand. There is an excitement and even a fulfillment of a desire. The problem is that this interaction is a brief one that usually finds the two interacting on their best behavior, putting forward what they think the other wants so as to keep the “butterflies” and the high of the moment going.
But when you actually own and live with that puppy, you get to deal with house breaking the puppy, feeding it, taking it to the vet, walking it multiple times a day, dog breath, fleas, etc. You have to deal with the good, the bad, and the ugly of the reality of a dog and all the responsibility it entails. At the same time, you get the joy of being greeted with love when you come home, play time, companionship, and the benefits of being in a relationship that has been proven to provide health benefits over a lifetime. The same is true of love. While you have the reality of having to constantly communicate and work through things, seeing a person at the best and worst, disagreements and compromises, and even possible hurt and pain, you also get the beauty and healing power of love, companionship, intimacy, and the joy of sharing life with someone.
Is there anything wrong with admiring a picture of an adorable puppy? Not at all. I’ve often looked at a dog on TV or seen a friend’s dog and thought I’d like one of my own, but the reality is that this is a passing thought, and I’m not in the place financially or time-wise to be able to take care of a dog. And I think that we should be able to equally discerning about our ability to be in a relationship. We often see other people in love – be it on TV or in relationships around us – and we want that too, but we need to be able to real with ourselves as to whether that would be the best thing for us at this given moment. Will we always feel “ready” for a relationship when the opportunity presents itself? No. But if you just got out of a 3 year relationship last week or if you just had your heart seriously broken a month ago, you may want to take a little bit more time to heal before you try dating again. Let Love and some good friendship and some time heal you before you attempt to open something new.

Day 222 - Expectations Revisited

I love that in the time that I’ve been doing this blog, I have been able to grow and learn some things. To me, it means that there has been an evolution in my thinking and understanding of love. Day 49 was entitled “Expectations” and it was written surrounding an excerpt from The Shack (one of my favorite books – I recommend it to anyone). Well, I’ve been doing some thinking about expectations, especially since I’ve been talking to a few people about the topic, and I’d like to add to my previous understanding and dialogue about it. While there is some validity to what I originally said, I feel that I have to add some detail based on what I’ve recently learned.
I still think that specific, rigid expectations are a dangerous thing that can kill the beauty that can be love and relationship. But I do believe that there needs to be a certain level of understanding about the nature of the relationship in which you operate. What do I mean? When in a relationship with a person, no matter the level of relationship, you should have an understanding of where that person is (emotionally, mentally, maturity-wise, etc). With this information in mind, you can then shape your interactions and expectancy. For instance, if I’m aware that one of my friends is dealing with a broken heart or is really going through some things, I can’t expect that friend to be the one who pours into me when I am having issues at this season of life. I may have to love on my friend, giving more than I'm receiving because of where they are.
This doesn’t mean that the relationship is not mutual or that things will not change and I have to leave this friend in that box for the rest of life. It does, however, mean that I know where they are and respect that space. Oftentimes, we expect our friends to always pour into us and relate to us the same way, but life doesn’t allow that to happen. There will be times when you have to give more than you receive in a given relationship, but there will be times when you receive more than you give as well. We look for balance in one relationship, but the balance has to be found in our entire emotional support system. When I understand that one friend is unable to pour into me, I’m thinking that other folks I can lean on to help make up for what I’m pouring out on another end.
Of course, that concept only really works when you know how to receive love in whatever form it presents itself. One thing that holds us back is our concept of what love should look like and how it should come. We are typically taught that there is love for family and there is love for a romantic partner, but we aren’t typically taught about the healing love that friends and associates can provide. Is it nice to have a partner to share with? Absolutely. But even in that kind of relationship, you will not be able to get all that you need emotionally from that one person. That doesn’t mean you can cheat or have emotional affairs, but it does mean that you cannot expect one person to be your entire emotional world, no matter how much love you have for one another.
So what am I really saying? You can live in expectancy within your relationships, enjoying things as they build without setting strict standards and binding obligations, but the expectancy has to be shaped by a discerning understanding of your relationship partner. When you communicate where you are and vice versa, then you know what the other person needs and can provide at a given time. Communicating these things is key, though, because if your actions change suddenly, you may scare or hurt your partner. Each relationship in your life should work within an overall balance in your emotional support. Of course, you are the center and ultimate captain of your emotional sea, but you have to be aware of the crew and condition of the boat in order to ensure a fairly safe and successful journey.

Day 221 - It Kills Me

It Kills Me

When I first heard this song, I wrote it off. While I appreciated the voice, the lyrics were less than desirable. I forgot about the song until it showed up on my Pandora, and I figured it should be addressed, because there are some slightly disturbing lines in it.
“I’ve got trouble with my friends, trouble with my life, problems when you don’t come home at night. But when you do, you always start a fight. But I can’t be alone. I need you – come on home. I know you messing around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down?” From the beginning of this song, there are issues. It is clear from this first verse that the relationship that she’s in is causing problems. I can relate to the fact that when things are less than desirable in the emotional parts of your life (relationships), then everything else can be greatly impacted. It seems that her partner is missing in action, but presence doesn’t make things any better, because there is so much conflict. At this point, it seems like little question what the singer should do, because she knows that he is being unfaithful, yet she says, “But I can’t be alone.” Not only that, but she says, “I know you messing around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down?” Really? So, your reasons for staying in a clearly tumultuous and painful situation are the fact that you don’t wanna be lonely and the assumption that no one else will be with you? I have been single for a while, and I understand that struggle, but I am also single by choice, because I would rather be in a quality relationship that will enhance my life than to just be in something just to say I have someone or to have someone to cuddle with consistently. And as for thinking that no one else will be a viable option, I say that you’d be amazed at the opportunities you miss because your focus is on something else. It’s possible that there’s a much more suitable person right in front of her, but she can’t see it because of the situation that currently occupies her time and space.
“I gotta be out my mind to think it’s gonna work this time. A part of me wants to leave, but the other side still believes. And it kills me to know how much I really love you. So much I wanna oo oo oo to you oo oo.” The chorus shows that she still thinks that there is some possibility and that she still wants to work through things. But she recognizes that it’s crazy to be thinking about trying to reconcile. Yet, love and sanity don’t necessarily seem to be partners in her reality, because she loves her partner dearly. It is understandable, because love can be a powerful thing and push us to hold on through some serious stuff. But there has to be a point at which love for self says that love for the other person is detrimental and needs to end in the interest of self. When you feel like your love for someone is killing you, that’s probably a sign….
“Should I grab his cell, call this chick up, start some shh, then hang up? Or should I be a lady? Ooo maybe, cuz I wanna have his babies. Cause I don’t wanna be alone. I don’t need to be on my own. I love this man, but some things I just can’t stand.” I take strong issue with the fact that she wants to call the other female. I don’t know if the other female knew or not, but the issue should be with the one you are in relationship with. If the female knew, then she was disrespectful, but her conflict should be with the man who said he was committed to her and then lied to her. And how are we defining being a lady? Not calling the woman that your man is cheating with? Not starting mess with someone who’s really not the one you need to confront? Standing by your man despite how he treats you? She decides to be a lady because she wants to be the mother of his kids. So she wants to be permanently connected, so she will stay in line in order to accomplish that end, even if it kills her. And again, her major reasoning for trying to make this work is the fact that she doesn’t want to be single. It is tragic that the mindset of society pushes us so hard against being single that we will suffer through relationships just to avoid it. It’s normal to see some quirks in the other person and love them beyond that, but we have to draw the line between quirks and deal-breakers (and have enough respect for ourselves to act on it).
“Should I pay him back to see how he’ll react, to see if he’ll react to my love?” When you are contemplating revenge or manipulation within a relationship, then it is time to strongly consider moving on. If you have to plot on how to get him to react to your love, then the love is most likely no longer there on his part. And if he is starting fights as she mentioned earlier in the song, he may be looking for a way out as well. My suggestion – move on and love yourself a little better.

Day 220 - Make Me Better

“I’m a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we’re together.  Mami, I'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better.”  I absolutely love the chorus to this song.  It really epitomizes what relationships should be.  There is a prevailing thought (and some media with the theme) that “I can do bad all by myself,” so ideally, any relationship we engage in should help us and enhance our lives in some way.  Otherwise, for all the work and stress that relationships take, it would be MUCH easier to just be by ourselves.  This chorus captures this truth, as this man expresses the fact that he is sufficient by himself, but the woman in his life makes him even better than he is by himself. 

“You plus me, it equal better math.  Your boy a good look, but she my better half.  I’m already boss and I’m already flossing, but why have the cake if it ain’t got the sweet frosting?  Keeping me on my A game without having the same name.  They may flame, but shorty, we burn it up.  The sag in my swag.  The pep in my step.  Daddy do the Gucci, Mami in Gisettes.  Yes, it’s a G thing whenever we swing.  Imma need Coretta Scott if I’m gon be King.”  He starts this verse by essentially saying that their union as a whole is greater than the sum of the two of them.  As he is on his own, he’s great and he has it going on, but with her, things are exponentially greater.  She is the complement to his already established and amazing life.  Cake by itself is good, but icing just adds that extra kick of sweetness that makes it taste that much better.  They may not be married or related, but she adds to his life and helps keep him in check, doing his best.  He recognizes that in order for him to do great things, he will need some good support, and he sees that as her.  This can be true for all of us, whether it’s a good friend, a parent, a sibling, a romantic relationship, or even a community of folks – none of us can do and be all that we are supposed to on our own.  Of course, we have to take the time to establish and nurture quality relationships that will help us get where we want to be, because it doesn’t help to have people around just to say that you have someone.

“First things first – does what I do.  Everything I am, she’s my improve.  I’m already boss.  I’m already fly, but if I’m a star, she is the sky.  And when I feel like I'm on top, she give me reason to not stop.  And though I’m hot, together we burn it up.”  The woman in his life seems to be his motivator and his encouragement.  She gives him reason to do what he does and she even seems to be the backdrop to what he does, being the sky in which the stars shine.  Reminds me of the concept of “wind beneath my wings” – while the wind may not be seen, the bird cannot fly without it.  It plays a supportive role even from the background.

“The cleaned up cut, the cleaned up ice – when Shorty come around, I clean up nice.  Dynamic duo – Batman and Robin.  Whoever don’t like it, it’s that man’s problem.  And when I feel like I'm tired, Mami be taking me higher.  I’m on fire, but Shorty, we burn it up.”  His girl inspires him to do better and maintain his appearance.  It’s not a matter of looking good to impress or even keep the one you’re with – it’s about putting in effort to show the person that you care enough to clean up for them and look nice.  And he regards their relationship so highly that he says that anyone who doesn’t like it is irrelevant, writing it off as that person’s issue to contend with and not one that will affect his relationship with his girl.  He knows that he can’t do what he does as well as he does without her, because she helps him keep going when things get tough, and because of this, they do great things together.

“Cuz beside every great man, you can find a woman like a soldier holding him down.  She treats me like a Don – watches for the hit.  Checks where I go, even watches who I’m with.  Right when I'm wrong so I never slip.  Show me how to move – that’s why I never trip.  And baby girl, you so major, they should front page you.  God bless the parents who made you.  Middle finger anybody who hate the way we burn it up.”  Beside every great person is a great support.  No matter how great someone is as an individual, that person needs someone to watch their back and help them see things.  His girl watches his associates, because she understands that the people you surround yourself with influence you greatly.  She watches what he does and advises him on how to make the best moves.  He appreciates what she does, saying she should be on the front page of the newspaper, held up for all to see.  He even thanks God for her parents who were brought together to create her.  And once again, he defies anyone to come against their relationship.  He recognizes that there may be haters, but he’s not concerned about their opinion.  I wish that in life it were always this easy to dismiss people’s opinions of relationships, but that’s its own blog entry….

Day 219 - I Think I Love U

“We’ve been together less than a week, but I swear it seems like to 2 years at least.  Whether face to face or over the phone, when I hear your voice, I’m right at home.  You’re so beautiful – more than a man could ever want, girl.  Got me looking for cameras to see if I’m being punked.  Trying to take it slow.  Ain’t no sense in lying to you or to myself.”  This first verse brings a confession by the singer of the song.  He has been dating this girl for a short time, but the connection and vibe that they have makes it seem as if it’s been much longer.  Part of me thinks that they have been talking for a while before they became official, which helps this make more sense, but no matter the timeline, he feels that it’s probably too short for him to feel the way that he does.  Yet, he recognizes the comfort that he finds with her and the beauty that defines her.  Things seem too good to be true, and he finds himself checking to make sure that this is real, because it feels like a dream or a scripted TV show.

“I know it’s early.  I know it’s soon, but truth be told, I think I love you.  It’s unexpected, so out of the blue.  Gotta let you know – I think I love you.”  And the chorus breaks out just what he feels.  He recognizes that the time has been short, but he cannot deny how he feels.  He feels that he loves her.  The depth of his feelings has caught him off guard, but he wants her to know how he feels.  [Now, this is where the things I’ve learned about love in the time since starting this blog are beginning to stir within me.  This might just be how I function, but I have come to understand love as a basic way of relating.  Does that mean that I love someone as soon as I meet them?  No.  But as I get to know a person, especially if I can feel some resonance with them, I begin to love them.  This doesn’t mean that I’m in love with everyone I know or that I want to romantically involved with them all.  It means that I have a level of care for and commitment to each person I know, and I want to see them happy and grow, becoming the best that they can be.  In my mind, this is love.  As I explained to a friend recently, I am an all or nothing person in relationships.  I'm selective as to who I really let in, but if I care about you, I care for real.]

“The way you touch me.  The way you look at me.  Everything about you is so, so sexy.  You do your own thing.  You got your own money.  Everything about you is so damn beautiful.  More than a man could ever want, girl.  Got me looking for Ashton to see if I’m being punked.  Trying to take it slow.  Ain’t no sense in lying to you or to myself.”  His girl has everything – beauty, independence, sexual appeal, etc.  The connection they have is phenomenal, and she affects him in a major (positive) way that blows his mind.  Because of this, he is even looking for Ashton Kutcher to come out from hiding and tell him that he’s been punked, because there’s no way anything this awesome could be real.

“I never felt this way so fast, so fast about anyone.  Hate to admit it but I got it bad, baby girl.  But it’s a good thing.”  In his previous relationships, time has never brought a love like this so quickly.  He’s got it bad, but he sees it as a positive.  While the timetable on the love is surprisingly short, he is okay with it, because of the beauty that he experiences in the situation. 

Day 218 - Love: Renewed Degrees and Definitions

Every so often in dealing with this blog, I have re-examined my own definition of love based on what I’ve written and learned along this journey.  It’s been a minute since I blogged, and I think part of that isn’t lack of inspiration but lack of articulation.  There has been a lot going on in my own life and in the lives of those around me, and it’s got me pondering and expressing this very sensitive L word in new ways.  I hardly know where to begin, but in an effort to get my literary life back together, here I go.

·         Love often begins sooner than you think.  I was listening to a song the other day (one I may blog about in the near future), and it made me realize that love isn’t one of those things in life that follows our schedule.  It has no regard for what else we have going on in life and what we think we should be doing.  In fact, it seems to tend to show up at the most inconvenient times.  But I’ve realized about love’s timing is that it tends to be fairly perfect.  If we waited until we were “ready,” it would probably never happen.  The question is always how we handle what we are experiencing. 

·         When you are open to love, you find it.  Love is much more abundant than we think, but we often confine it to the romantic notions of a relationship between a man and a woman.  Love is so much greater than that, and if we allow our minds and hearts to grasp love beyond this model, our lives will be much more fulfilled.  The greatest love I have ever had in my life (aside from Love Herself) has been that of my Sisters.  Granted, I have had some romantic relationships that have done some healing and helping in my life, but my Sisters have shown me love that continues to blow my mind.  I have experienced levels of intimacy and sharing that I only expected to have in a romantic relationship, but I feel that it was Divinely inspired in order to help me grow and to help me love in a more complete way.  There’s a toothpaste commercial that ends with “life opens us when you do.”  I believe that this is true in the most basic form.  If you have your eyes open to love, you will see it in more places than you think.  But if you maintain the same definitions and expectations for love and its packages, you will probably miss out on the greatest blessings and possibilities of your life.

·         Love and relationships are hard work.  I have come to realize in the past couple of years (and esp. in the last year) that relationships are not as simple as sharing space and talking a little bit or going to the mall together.  A real, deep relationship – friendship, romantic partnership, sisterhood, brotherhood, etc – requires honest and constant communication, a willingness to grow as well as to push the other person to grow, self-awareness, awareness of/sensitivity to the other, time, commitment, care, and a level of sharing in the lives and vulnerable spaces of each other that requires more than the average person may not be willing or even able to give.  These types of relationships require a certain amount of mental and emotional health in order for them to be mutual.  They require push and pull, give and take, and effort, especially in the moments when you’d rather not be bothered.  And if you have any insecurities or emotional baggage, prepare for a good relationship to challenge and make you face it.  The only way to learn trust is to be in a situation where you have to exercise trust in the face of something that would normally make you shrink back and run away to protect your heart.

There’s more, but I’ll stop there for the sake of brevity.  We’ll see what the future and my relationships continue to teach me.