Day 111 - Looking for Love

"You don't have to go looking for love when it's where you come from."  - Werner Erhard

In my Daily Love email for today, this quotation was among the others, and it stood out to me.  There is a beautiful simplicity to this that I appreciate.  When you live a life of love and share love and give love, then you don't have to search for it.  It's been said that you should be the change that you wanna see in the world.  I think that works for love - be/give the love you want to receive in this world.  As you take the time to explore and extend love, love will come back to you and you will find that you have more than you need or even thought possible. 

Day 110 - Lost Love

As I was going through my facebook wall today, I thought about the people who are my friends on facebook that I haven't actually talked to in years and, aside from divine intervention, I will probably not ever converse with again aside from a happy birthday message.  While for some people, this doesn't really bother me, for others, it causes a slight twinge in my heart because of the previous relationship that we shared.  In some cases, it was an amicable separation.  For some, time and space ended the relationship.  For others, there was a conflict that led to the demise of the relationship.  Either way, even in the most peaceable of separations, there is a pain associated when a love is lost.  Whether it is the love of a friend, a child, a parent, a romantic partner, or someone else, lost love and relationship lead to grief.
Many people I know (myself included) don't always deal with grief in the healthiest of ways, and this can lead to stunted/halted emotional growth and other baggage as we attempt to move forward.  Some people live in the stage of grief called 'denial,' refusing to accept the end.  And in your refusal to let go, you hold to the person as if they were still in your life, most likely idealizing and idolizing them in your mind and heart.  Such false perceptions will make moving forward in a healthy way next to impossible.
Some people don't deny that it's over, but they try to plead and bargain to change the situation.  They are willing to change their standards, settle for less than the best treatment, and bend till they break in order to make things work.  This won't work either, because even if the relationship can/does happen again, the issues that caused the break will probably only be made worse by the compromised standards. 
Some people adopt Cee Lo Green's approach of anger saying, "F**k you."  The very thought of the person or what happened enrages them to the point that it would be impossible to talk about or talk to the person without violent actions resulting.  While anger may be a healthy and a valid response in some cases, esp if we have been wronged, we cannot let that anger becoming a consuming force for our lives.  Anger should be a positive motivator for change in the future.
Some people take the anger upon themselves and suffer from guilt, thinking/feeling that if they had just (fill in the blank), that things would be different, that the relationship would still be there, that the person would still be alive, etc.  The guilt creates a heaviness that makes it almost unbearable to live each day.  Because of the guilt, most people want to punish themselves, feeling that any enjoyment on their part is undeserved and that they need to suffer for what they've done.  There is continuous self-reflection and critique as they pick themselves apart and try to figure out what's wrong in them and what they could have done differently.  While it's true that we typically all play a part in the end of a relationship, it takes 2 people to make a relationship work, so taking all the blame isn't typically a wise or logical idea.
Some fall into depression, shutting off from the world.  Depression (sometimes referred to as anger turned inward) is a serious problem that amplifies the pain by making it the only thing visible.  And it leads to things like isolation or sleeping or eating (or lack thereof), wanting to hide and allow the sadness to consume you.  Life essentially ceases in this space.
For people who are associated with psychology, these reactions may sound familiar, as they come from the stages of the grieving process.  I am not saying that any of these are bad, because they all tend to need to be worked through in some form before a person can get to the 'final' stage of acceptance - acknowledging the loss and being able to move forward in a healthy way with the knowledge that the loss doesn't mean the end of life.  The pain attached to the memory will no longer tear you apart, even if sadness still accompanies your thoughts. 
I know that I've lost some people/relationships lately, and while I'm still working through my feelings with some of them, I know that it's important to take the time to allow my emotions and the grief process to run its course.  There is no timeline for grief, because each relationship and its impact are different, but what is important is that I take time to reflect, place responsibility in its proper place for each party involved, avoid idealizing the relationship/person, and take care of myself in the process.  And I have to remember that, no matter how awesome or close or long the relationship was, my life doesn't end because the relationship did.  And there is always love in my life, even if someone who showed me great love is no longer actively part of the love that occupies my life. 

Day 109 - Ponyo

When I saw this movie, I was so very thrilled....  It was such a beautiful movie that showed an amazing portrayal of love.  According to IMDb, this is the storyline: "The son of a sailor, 5-year old Sosuke lives a quiet life on an oceanside cliff with his mother Lisa. One fateful day, he finds a beautiful goldfish trapped in a bottle on the beach and upon rescuing her, names her Ponyo. But she is no ordinary goldfish. The daughter of a masterful wizard and a sea goddess, Ponyo uses her father's magic to transform herself into a young girl and quickly falls in love with Sosuke, but the use of such powerful sorcery causes a dangerous imbalance in the world. As the moon steadily draws nearer to the earth and Ponyo's father sends the ocean's mighty waves to find his daughter, the two children embark on an adventure of a lifetime to save the world and fulfill Ponyo's dreams of becoming human."  

I found this movie on Netflix and took a chance on watching it.  What stands out to me is that children have such a beautiful, innocent view of love.  Their understanding is typically untainted by pain and heartache, and they can usually love more freely and openly.  Even though this is a simple, child's story, I find it magical in its simplicity.  He rescues her and he loves her.  She loves him.  She is willing to become human and he is willing to pledge his love to her, saying, "I love all the Ponyos," proclaiming that he loves her, person or goldfish.

While I could say that children don't really understand love, I think that would be a lie.  I think children understand love in a purer sense than adults, and we as adults are trying desperately to get back to the place where love was as simple and free as it was when we were children.  

Is the little kid in you calling out for release, for playtime, for love?  Take time and be a little kid for a while.  Love a little freer, color a picture, run through sprinklers... set yourself free for a bit.  You have your whole life to be an adult.  Take a moment or two to enjoy the innocence of freedom of life for a bit.

Day 108 - Lyrical Mix

As I was on the way to work this morning, I was listening to the radio, but my spirit was stirring, so I decided to listen to some intentional God music (more commonly known as Gospel).  And as I listened to the CD I'd made a few days ago, some of the themes/lines stood out as going together and resonating with where I am now.  First up was a song by Mary Mary (but originally done by James Cleveland), and the part that stood out said, “No, You didn’t bring me out here to leave me lonely.  Even when I can’t see clearly, I know that You are with me so I can’t.  I just can’t give up now.   Come too far from where I started from.  Nobody told me the road would be easy and I don’t believe He brought this far to leave me.”  Now, while the part of my process that I'm in now is not as strenuous and draining as it has been in previous weeks/months, it's still not easy, and there are times when I need reminding that God is still with me.  I have to trust that, even though I can't see the end from where I am, nor do I always understand why I'm dealing with certain things, God knows what's best and I can't give up as I walk toward the glory that is my destiny and purpose.

Next was “Fall Again” by Virtue, and I was reminded that in the midst of what it is going on, I have to sometimes cry out to God for refreshing: "Spirit, will You fall again, make me over again? I hear Your voice so clear.  Will you please draw me near?  I'm so weak - restore me back to when I first believed.  Please fall again on me."  This is clearly not a journey that I can do alone.  It's been said that God will call us to do things that we can't do in our strength so that we need to call/depend on God.  Because this is the case, I find it necessary to regularly refresh myself in God's presence.  There is no high, no orgasm, no taste sensation, no warm/fuzzy feeling, no embrace as beautiful as the presence of God.  So, God, fall again in a refreshing way and restore my strength, peace, love, and focus.

Finally, a song by Wess Morgan rounded out the trip with this line repeated over and over: “He’s healing me.  I’m gonna worship.”  When God takes the time to meet me where I am and to refresh me, I receive a much-needed healing.  Because of this healing, my response is to worship.  I make the choice to be grateful for the healing and to honor God, even if that healing comes in the form of a long, arduous process. 

What does this have to do with love?  God showed me love by creating me and then continues to show love each day that I live.  God loves me enough to help me grow, and I love God for pulling me closer to Her in the midst of trials and growing pains.  We share love and worship and honor and trust.  What more could I ask for than Someone who loves me in such a beautiful way?

Day 245 - Manipulation

“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you.  When you dare to reveal yourself fully.  When you dare to be vulnerable.”  -Joyce Brothers

When I read this quotation in my email this morning, I was blown away and knew immediately that it deserved a blog entry.  In my explorations of love, there are fewer statements that I’ve found to be as true as this that speak to the deepest issues that we encounter surrounding love.  So often, our concern in love and in relationship in general is what another person thinks of us and how they are responding to us.  Because of this concern, we do what we can to control their reactions, trying to make them more favorable for fear of rejection, and this is when the manipulation begins. 

Even with “good intentions,” manipulation is a lie, and real love and relationship cannot cohabitate with dishonesty in a healthy, functional way.  The manipulation can be something as simple as telling a person that you love basketball because he or she loves basketball to gain favor, but the truth is that you don’t know a slam dunk from a free throw.  This might seem innocent enough, but it’s an unhealthy pattern when you would lie about something so small.  If you would lie about this, what else will you lie about that really matters, especially if at the base of the lie is insecurity about the person liking/accepting you for who you are?

I’ve found that women have especially crafted the tool of manipulation, and I believe that this is because of the dynamic of power that rests with men.  Therefore, men and even other women have encouraged women to manipulate and “use their wiles” to get what they want. 

Whether in romantic relationships, business associations, or in everyday life, we tweak the truth to ensure that the person receiving the information/image will decide favorably about us, and it is this obsession with people’s reactions to us that keeps us far from real love. 

Now, I’m not saying that things like make-up, heels, clothes, or other appearance-enhancing things are bad, because everyone should want to look their best.  But when we seek to deceive in order that someone will like us for something that we are not, it’s a problem.  I know for myself that there have been times when a significant other (or even a friend) asked if something was okay (whether it was hanging out with friends over me, doing something sexually, seeing a particular movie, eating at a particular restaurant, etc), and I said it was okay, and I didn’t truly feel comfortable with it, but because I was concerned about losing him/her, I said it was okay.  This is manipulation, and even though it may seem mild (and more detrimental to myself than anything else), it can create resentment and it gives the other person a false picture of me and what I’m okay with.  And down the road, when this continues and j have become distant or I explode from the repression, there will be much confusion, because the action/behavior was permitted for so long. 

If you do not trust the person you are in relationship with to be able to handle the truth, then you may to ask some questions of them – have you done anything that would warrant me being cautious with my feelings – and of yourself – is this based in my own past/insecurity, and if so, what can I do about it?  It is manipulative to pout and moan and sigh and expect someone to ask you what’s wrong (and then make them pull teeth to get to the answer).  If you are an adult in a caring relationship, you ought to be able to simply share what is going on without “making someone care about you.”  Do you really need the attention and someone to show you they love you in such a way that you make them have to show you and prove it to you?  Or can you find the strength to trust the love and the relationship?  Yes, this requires vulnerability and trust, 2 things not greatly esteemed in a capitalistic, patriarchal, self-driven society, but when you are able to breathe in your relationships, it will make all the difference in the world.  And you will be able to begin to experience love as it was intended – beautiful, comfortable, peaceful, authentic, and true.  When you can be yourself, you don’t have to worry about keeping up a façade or remembering who you were pretending to be.  It is a freeing feeling to be yourself, and it’s even better to be loved for who you are.  Despite who has rejected you before, there is someone who will be able to see the beauty that is uniquely you.  Of course, it helps if you find that love and acceptance for yourself first and allow God to love you that way as well.  This will make it easier for others to follow suit.  J

Day 107 - Resurrection

Yesterday was one of the most highly celebrated days in the Christian faith as it is understood to be the day when Jesus, previously dead from crucifixion on Friday, rose from the dead in one of the greatest miracles and testaments to God’s power ever seen in history.  Whatever your theology or particular religious affiliation, the idea of someone being dead for days coming back to life is a mind-blowing one, and many people wrestle with whether this is even possible. 

Yet, as inconceivable as this may seem, I think there’s another type of resurrection that takes place every day in our world.  My pastor spoke about the fact that Jesus’ resurrection is about more than a bodily resurrection of someone who was biologically dead – it’s about bringing life to our everyday lives.  I can say with a reasonable amount of assurance that every person alive has experienced some type of death in their lives, be it a job, a friend, a desire, a dream, a healthy heart or mind, etc.  And many of us are living our lives unaware in a grieving process.  We, like the women who went to the tomb to dress the body, have no expectation of life in that particular area, and we live our days as if the loss is a final thing.  What Resurrection Sunday can help us to remember and realize is that even in death, there can be new life.  We have to be open to the possibility of what is to come.  Even if we are like the women who didn’t know but accepted readily, the disciples who heard and had some issues believing, or the religious leaders who heard and went into cover-up mode, trying to hide the truth, God has a way of bringing life to situations that we and others have labeled dead. 

What in your life could use some resurrection?  Could your heart use a rejuvenating jolt of love from the paddles of God?  Does your mind need some reshaping and reinvigorating about bouts of depression or self-doubt have wreaked havoc?  Maybe your peace has died and you have accepted chaos as your closest companion, or maybe you can’t find the strength to hope for more than what you have right now and you could use a boost in that area. 

As my pastor read the scripture for his sermon this morning, one of the verses stood out to me, especially as it related to a song I’d heard on the way to church that morning.  “Only You take my breath away, then You breathe new life into me, so breathe into me once again” (“Breathe into Me” by Israel and New Breed).  “Then he took a deep breath and breathed into them.  ‘Receive the Holy Spirit,’ he said.  ‘If you forgive someone’s sins, they’re gone for good.  If you don’t forgive sins, what are you going to do with them?’”  Once God breathes life into us, it is up to us to breathe life into others.  And the piece about forgiveness shows that this is connected to our life and our well-being.  When we release someone from the grudge that we hold, that releases us from the hold on us, allowing us to breathe.  When we can breathe, it brings life to us, and we can then breathe life to others.  And the place that was held by an unforgiving attitude can now be resurrected and occupied by love.  

Have the courage to receive and give new life.  It can come in the most unexpected ways and be as simple as a new way of thinking about/seeing something.  Just be open.

Day 106 - Perfect Past

I must admit that, when I first heard “Perfect” by P!nk, I was a bit confused by the presence of the first verse, especially in light of the chorus and the rest of the song.  It seemed a bit out of place for her to talk about her life and the things she’d been through then say, “Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel like you’re less than, less than perfect.  Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing, you are perfect to me.”  It just didn’t make sense to me. So even though I've written about this song, I thought it deserved a second entry as I rethought on it.

Well, as I was sitting listening to the song last night, I had a revelation.  Granted, I knew the words, but when I really thought the first verse, I finally found its place in the context of the song.  She says, “made a wrong turn once or twice, dug my way out – blood and fire.  Bad decisions – that’s alright.  Welcome to my silly life.  Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood… mistaken, always second guessing.”  She talks about her struggles and basically how life has happened to her in some less than pleasant ways.  And at the end of it, she says, “look, I'm still around.”  Even though she’s been kicked around and abused and made bad moves herself, I imagine that she can stand in the mirror and sing the chorus to herself.  Almost negating the mess of the first verse, she says that all the stuff, both done to her and done by her own choice, don’t make her any less perfect. 

But then she takes it a step further in the second verse, and she chooses to motivate and challenge others who may have similar back stories, telling them to speak positively to/about themselves and deal with the demons of the past that call them anything less than perfect.  Yes, we all have issues and things in our lives that keep us from being flawless, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t perfect – acceptable and worthy – just as we are.  I know there have been times when I looked at my past and my shaping and my dysfunctions as a result, and I’ve thought that I could never change, grow, or even be seen as worth anything in my current state.  But I’m thankful for people who have loved me in ways that make P!nk’s chorus ring true, empowering me to believe that I was perfect just as I was and encouraging me to push for healing to be even better. 

So no matter if you’ve been abused, raped, neglected, abandoned, or teased, no matter if you made the choice to abuse drugs or alcohol, to hurt either people, to squander your years and your potential, to be in relationships that were less than beneficial to you because you were starved for love – none of that matters.  You are still a beautiful, unique, worthwhile individual.  Whether the fault is yours or someone else’s, from this moment forward you can shed the layers of filth and baggage, choosing to live as a loved, perfect person who deserves the best simply because God took the time to shape and create you.  And remember that you’re still here for a reason.

“Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel like you’re less than, less than perfect.  Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing, you are perfect to me.”

Day 252 - The Real Church

So, I had a conversation with a person I just met and a person I’ve seen twice before in life, and it was an incredible space.  We talked about theology and church and people, and I was blessed to share my thoughts and views with people who were open and of like spirit.  All of us have chosen the path of Christianity as our way of life, but we talked about being open to talk to people of other faiths and sharing with people of common spirits.  Yet, we were able to talk openly about our differing beliefs even within the scope of Christianity, and there was no judgment or banishment to hell.  There was simply conversation about God, which is always the uniting factor among people of faith.

What I came to realize as we talked was that the common denominator for every person (aside from the fact that we are all humans) is that basic divine spark which has love as its base.  It doesn’t matter your age, religion, race, sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic status, or anything else – we are all connected by love.  The problem comes in when we allow the lack of love in our lives and environments affect how we see ourselves and other people.  It is true that life can be hard and painful, and the things in life do shape the way we think and feel, but that doesn’t have to determine how we live and love other people. 

And the title of this entry deals with the question of religious separation.  With the particularities of doctrine just within the Baptist sect of the Protestant tradition of the Christian faith, it’s hard to realize sometimes that we are all talking about the same God and Jesus.  And Heaven forbid we talk to someone of a different religion and get some of their “false religion” mixing with our “truth.”

At the end of the day, we are all people who are connected by love.  If you are open to the love within yourself, you ought to be able to feel and connect to the love in others.  Be open to conversations and fellowship with people who aren’t exactly the same as you.  You might learn something, teach something, or even gain a friend.  And the healing that can be shared may change your life, even if your doctrines are matching.  God is too big for one religion anyway.  And when we can relate and fellowship, openly sharing as God intended, then we become the true church, more than any building or institution or organization can ever be.

Day 105 - Trust

In my experience, this is one of the hardest elements of relationship, especially because it covers much more than people realize.  When you say trust, most people assume that the expectation being discussed is that the person will not cheat or that the person will keep someone's confidential information to themselves.  But I've learned that it involves deeper levels of openness in one's self to really trust someone.  Being that I'm a dictionary fan, I decided to find a definition of trust: "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence; confident expectation of something; hope."  So, when I trust someone, I am essentially evaluating the strength of who they are and allowing myself to rely on that.

And as I said before, this is about more than infidelity or sharing secrets.  I  personally am aware that I have had issues trusting that people care about me because of my previous experience.  Even though people show me that they care, it can sometimes be difficult for me to receive the love or feel that they care enough to really reciprocate the love that I give or put in the time/energy in relationship that I find myself giving.  Another area of trust can involving trusting someone to have your best interests at heart or trusting someone to cover you - have your back and make sure that you are taken care of.  Maybe you have trouble trusting people's words, and you refuse to believe anything that is not seen in action.  An anonymous person once said that “Without trust, words become the hollow sound of a wooden gong. With trust, words become life itself.”  I can definitely see the validity in this and why it is so difficult.  Maybe your difficult area of trust involves trusting that people will provide for you, be it financial support, emotional support, or even just being held when you ask, especially without wanting something in return.

I truly understand the difficulties when it comes to trusting people.  Being that "Where You At" seems to be my theme song recently, I am well acquainted with reasons that I shouldn't trust anyone.  At one time, I closed off my heart and essentially said 'no' to relationships, because trust was just too hard and because I didn't want to be hurt and disappointed again.  But I've learned that just because someone hurt me doesn't mean that everyone else in life will.  Yes, I've been hurt and disappointed numerous times.  There were people who I trusted to care for me, to listen to me, to keep my secrets, to provide for me, etc.  Some of them came through, and some of them did not.  But I heard something by Frank Crane that made a lot of sense: “You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.”  If I don't trust, I won't be able to love, and love is really what makes the world go round and the sun shine each day. 

While it may be difficult, it is a necessary press, because it brings a beauty to life that cannot be found otherwise.  Walter Anderson once said, "We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."  While I'm not always a fan of being vulnerable, because it's led to some painful moments in the past, I couldn't imagine a life without the love that God has graciously provided.  It's taken some risk and even caused some pain, but I'm glad that I was willing to trust, because I've gotten so many blessings in return that it's hard to remember what I was afraid of in the first place. 

Though broken trust can change the dynamic and landscape of a relationship as echoed by Friedrich Nietzsche - “I'm not upset that you lied to me; I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you” - it doesn't have to change your life and how you relate to every person after that.  Sometimes, it's a matter of realizing that the person simply couldn't be trusted with what you gave them, but that doesn't mean that no one else can be.

And of course, God can be trusted with anything that is given.  Even when you are trusting for arms to hold you, God can do that too.  :)  Realize that you have valid hurts but also that trust is still possible.  Keep your heart open, but do exercise caution.  Trust does have to be earned, but don't use that as a means of keeping people at a distance to avoid being hurt.  Just pay attention - people will show you when they can and cannot be trusted.

 

Day 104 - Love All Over Me

From the first time I heard this song, I loved it.  Now, while I am now a bit critical of it, it still has elements of beauty to me. 

“Must not have been paying attention - stepped right on it, didn’t even notice how deep I was.  I went from the ground to the top of the cloud, and now as I look down, I see where I fell into your arms.”  Now, I’m still not really sure how I feel about love being some mysterious force that washes over a person or a pit that you fall into.  I’m inclined to believe that we have more control over loving someone than we (or the popular media) tend to give ourselves credit for.  I really don’t think that love is a puddle that you trip into and then suddenly find yourself soaking wet.  In my mind, if we’re gonna stick with the water analogy, love is like getting into a pool.  We may stand at the edge, surveying the territory, but eventually we intentionally edge into the pool, allowing our body to get acclimated piece by piece until we are comfortable and swimming freely.  Now, that would be the ideal.  Some people tend to just jump in and feel the shock afterward.  Either way, I don’t think love surprises us as much as music tends to say that it does, because we have more control of our thoughts and feelings than we think.  We just have to exercise self-awareness and be intentional about what we’re doing.

“Now I got love all over me.  Baby, you touch every part of me.  I got love all over me, and I don’t wanna get it off.  I’m completely covered up in your love.”  Again, the chorus makes me feel like love is some sticky substance that slipped on her one day, but it’s a good thing, so she doesn’t mind being covered in it.  I do appreciate that the love is holistic and that it touches every part of her.  Although, I have to wonder if such a… consuming love is healthy.  While love is definitely something that should be apparent and cause changes in one’s life, the fact that she is completely covered would lead me to wonder if she still has her own personhood in the midst of such an all-encompassing feeling.  

“Even my skin is changing – I’m feeling warmer, no more icy blue heart for me.  You put the color back in my life, and now where was black and white, you’re becoming iridescent.”  I see that love is a transformative force, and this verse makes that clear.  She previously felt less than, and now, love is empowering her to live and feel and heal.  It is bringing her out of her shell.

“Before your love, baby, I was muddy – filthy with pain till you took it from me.  You showered me with a new beginning; now I’m clean.  Took me by surprise when you ran up on me – I came to life, baby, in that moment.  You put your hands on my heart, and, baby, now it beats.”  This has got to be my very favorite part of the song.  The analogy is a beautiful one, and I can appreciate that pain is muddy and love is the cleansing agent.  I can see pain being caked on a person and dried such that the person cannot move, and a warm shower of love washes over someone, rinsing the mess away.  When the cleansing happens, there is space for movement and life and growth.  She says that her love laid hands on her heart and essentially brought her back to life. 

Day 103 - R-E-S-P-E-C-T

So, this entry is more about respect than it is about the song by Aretha Franklin, but I just had to give props to the Queen of Soul. 
Respect, defined as "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person; to show regard or consideration for," is a very interesting concept.  Depending on the relationships of people, there are varying levels of respect and various manifestations thereof.  I respect my mother differently than I respect my friends, but at the end of the day, it all boils down to showing consideration for the person as a human being first, then adding the proper reverence for the position that they hold in respect to our relationship.  While respect itself is not a hard concept, the way it shows up (or, more often, doesn't) can be cause for concern and conflict in relationships.  
"I ain't gonna do you wrong while you're gone. Ain't gonna do you wrong 'cause I don't wanna.  All I'm asking is for a little respect when you come home (just a little bit)."  My assumption is that Aretha Franklin didn't sing this song because all of her relationships were going along just great.  In my experience, a song like this comes about when a person feels that they are not receiving the proper amount of respect in a relationship.  She essentially says that she will treat her friend with respect, because she desires to, whether she's in the person's presence or not.  In return, she desires that same respect.
It seems logical enough to me to treat someone with the same respect that they treat you.  All people should be treated with a basic level of respect just because of their humanity, no matter what their station, race, age, gender, religion, orientation, or anything else in life may be.  Unfortunately, respect tends to be something that people think has to be earned.  If that was the case, most people wouldn't respect babies, because they have no "value" when evaluated in the monetarily-driven eyes of society.  But there are few people who would mistreat a baby.  Why?  Because babies are precious and have value beyond the amount of money they make or their political leanings or their ability to influence others or yield power. 
Aretha makes a good point in her song when she says, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T - find out what it means to me."  Another mistake we often make is assuming that we know what respect means to another person.  In some ways, respect is relative, and it's important to communicate with people so we can know if our words/actions make them feel respected.  And be sure to communicate your needs as well, so that there is not respect on one end and resentment on the other.
What am I saying in all this?  Treat others with respect, especially those who society doesn't seem to value.  This could be a child, an elderly person, a homeless person, a sick person, a minority....  You never know what your reverence for another person will do for them.  And know that it's hard to respect others when you don't respect yourself.  And it's been said that others can't respect you if you don't respect yourself.  So, look at yourself in the mirror, and give yourself the respect that you deserve as a human being and child of God.  Then go out and share that care and respect with others.  You don't have to know someone to show them respect.  Making eye contact (depending on the cultural context), smiling, or even listening to people are great ways to show respect.