So, I sat processing the other day (as the introspective part of my introverted nature often has me doing), and I was thinking about the fact that I write this blog about love. My last romantic relationship ended in Feb of 2009, and I have a creeping fear of romantic relationships, especially the long-term kind. While I don’t actively avoid being in relationships, the thought of a romantic relationship at this point of my life scares me just a bit. This may be due in part to the experiences that I’ve had in the past and how I see myself at times as well, neither of which are entirely positive.
I know that all relationships require a lot, and I know that, being the very unique individual I am, I require a lot, and I have to wonder if I will ever find such a person who can handle me. So, as I was thinking that I might be “by myself” for the rest of my life (get back to why it’s in quotation marks later on), I wondered what my future would look like in terms of relationships and whether I may either be single for life or have to settle, I was reminded of something that happened a few years back that reminds me that settling is not an option.
I had a “relationship” a while back that taught me much. I say “relationship” because we were never officially together, but we spent much time together anyway. We were friends initially, and as time progressed, we became more friendly… while he was in and out of dysfunctional relationships. I developed feelings for him as we grew closer, and because of this, I allowed him to essentially pick me up and put me down as he desired. Whenever he was single (or was feeling single), we would resume our friends with benefits relating.
Though he had told me that he wasn’t good for me and that I shouldn’t like him, but I have this “knack” for seeing the best/potential in people. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially as I know that people tend to doubt themselves. This can be a good thing… but it can also be problematic when I believe more for them than they do or I believe something that isn’t actually there (or isn’t reality yet). So, while I had feelings for the person he could be, I was dealing with the person who was here and treating me in less than respectable ways. And it’s not that he was doing anything to me intentionally, but I was letting myself be used for his physical fulfillment without the benefit of any actual emotional connection or real care.
One day I was talking to a friend of mine who was acquainted with him and the situation, and she said something that changed my life – “you deserve more than that.” Such a thought never crossed my mind. Around this same time, I was dealing with wanting to hear from God in a more clear way. Something about hearing that I deserved more just clicked. I decided in that moment that, as much as I sometimes enjoyed the time that we spent together and the attention that I got, overall I wasn’t getting anything more than the short end of a confused person. Though I wanted to be held and cared for, I knew that I wanted and needed more.
When I made that decision, it was as if a light switch was flipped, and God’s voice became that much clearer. I felt braver. When I realized my worth, it was as if I got out of my own way, opening the door to more of life. I closed the door to doubt and opened the door to what I truly deserved – love, relationship with God, confidence, etc. When I realized that, despite what my past had told me, I deserved more, I was able to receive it. It’s not that God wasn’t talking before, but I now believed that I deserved to hear it….
So no matter what you’ve been told, whatever you’ve seen, what life has taught you, you deserve more. You deserve true love and care. You deserve to be first in someone’s life and to have an amazing relationship. And you deserve to think of life as more than whether or not you’re in a romantic relationship. When I talked about being “by myself,” I had to wonder my being single was my defining quality. Thankfully, I have a full and beautiful relational life even though I am not in a romantic relationship. I have a group of sisters who provide the love, safe space, the accountability, and the care that I’ve been seeking for years…. I am loved. And that’s what I deserve.
Seek to find what you deserve. And even if you only get the love that you deserve from yourself, then you love yourself the best that you can. And know that God will always give you the love that you deserve, because God created relationship and God knows how to give. We just have to know that we can receive.
YOU DESERVE MORE!
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