As I've been wrestling with some things lately, I was reminded by one of my sister friends that there are some growing points in my life that have brought me to where I am currently. The more I thought about what she said, the more I realized the importance of my story. While I went through 3 years of introspection at STVU and 4 years of some of that at UVA, I am still learning that 20 or so years of thinking a certain way is not easily changed, especially on the deepest levels of subconscious feeling and all that. Without going into too much detail, because I could be writing all day (and because it will be in my book one day), I want to ponder bits of my own story and how I got to where I am, and maybe this will help me (and hopefully you) make sense of life and some of the craziness that we deal with both internally and externally.
Listening to "Where You At" reminds me of a world of broken promises that came not from a romantic partner but from my father. In hindsight, I know that there were things in his life at the time that interfered with him being a better parent, but as a child, I didn't know. And because I didn't know, I assumed that I wasn't loved (esp because I was a girl), and I initially worked to do what I could to gain my dad's love and approval, which for me would have been spending time together. But when it didn't happen with my father, apparently I sought it in other males. Because I was looking for a father in people who were slightly older than me, it wasn't going to be a successful endeavor. Also, there was no way they would be able to fill the void that my father left, but I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to feel loved.
Thankfully, I've since had relationships and experiences that have been healthy and/or helpful in healing the hole in my heart. It is a daily struggle, but I'm learning to find perpetual acceptance in myself, in God, and in the angels around me. While I currently find myself in an interesting emotional situation, I recognize that God's love for me and my need for love have connected me to some beautiful people who can and will help me to fill the voids that still exist. But the difficulty that I still find is in allowing people to love me when I spent most of my life thinking that I was not worthy of love. I know that this has frustrated some of the people in my life who tried to love me, because I did a great job of fighting them. Even now, as I was sharing with one of my sister friends this morning, I find it difficult to express my needs/desires, because I'm used to suppressing such things to make other people happy.
Why did I share this? I recognize that understanding my story and how it continues to affect me is one way of being self-aware and learning to love myself. As much as part of me would love to be in a romantic relationship, the place where I am has shown me that I'm not yet ready/strong enough for that.
So investigate your story. Only you know where you've been and what has happened to you. Even if you don't know exactly how that day 12 years ago is affecting you currently, it's important to acknowledge that day and know that it has affected you. Do you wonder why certain things/people make you angry for no apparent reason? Is there a particular need that must be fulfilled in your life that you can't do without? Why? There are clues in your past relationships and experiences that point to where you are now. As a former classmate (Jonathan Goldwire) said on facebook, "
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