“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.” -Joyce Brothers
When I read this quotation in my email this morning, I was blown away and knew immediately that it deserved a blog entry. In my explorations of love, there are fewer statements that I’ve found to be as true as this that speak to the deepest issues that we encounter surrounding love. So often, our concern in love and in relationship in general is what another person thinks of us and how they are responding to us. Because of this concern, we do what we can to control their reactions, trying to make them more favorable for fear of rejection, and this is when the manipulation begins.
Even with “good intentions,” manipulation is a lie, and real love and relationship cannot cohabitate with dishonesty in a healthy, functional way. The manipulation can be something as simple as telling a person that you love basketball because he or she loves basketball to gain favor, but the truth is that you don’t know a slam dunk from a free throw. This might seem innocent enough, but it’s an unhealthy pattern when you would lie about something so small. If you would lie about this, what else will you lie about that really matters, especially if at the base of the lie is insecurity about the person liking/accepting you for who you are?
I’ve found that women have especially crafted the tool of manipulation, and I believe that this is because of the dynamic of power that rests with men. Therefore, men and even other women have encouraged women to manipulate and “use their wiles” to get what they want.
Whether in romantic relationships, business associations, or in everyday life, we tweak the truth to ensure that the person receiving the information/image will decide favorably about us, and it is this obsession with people’s reactions to us that keeps us far from real love.
Now, I’m not saying that things like make-up, heels, clothes, or other appearance-enhancing things are bad, because everyone should want to look their best. But when we seek to deceive in order that someone will like us for something that we are not, it’s a problem. I know for myself that there have been times when a significant other (or even a friend) asked if something was okay (whether it was hanging out with friends over me, doing something sexually, seeing a particular movie, eating at a particular restaurant, etc), and I said it was okay, and I didn’t truly feel comfortable with it, but because I was concerned about losing him/her, I said it was okay. This is manipulation, and even though it may seem mild (and more detrimental to myself than anything else), it can create resentment and it gives the other person a false picture of me and what I’m okay with. And down the road, when this continues and j have become distant or I explode from the repression, there will be much confusion, because the action/behavior was permitted for so long.
If you do not trust the person you are in relationship with to be able to handle the truth, then you may to ask some questions of them – have you done anything that would warrant me being cautious with my feelings – and of yourself – is this based in my own past/insecurity, and if so, what can I do about it? It is manipulative to pout and moan and sigh and expect someone to ask you what’s wrong (and then make them pull teeth to get to the answer). If you are an adult in a caring relationship, you ought to be able to simply share what is going on without “making someone care about you.” Do you really need the attention and someone to show you they love you in such a way that you make them have to show you and prove it to you? Or can you find the strength to trust the love and the relationship? Yes, this requires vulnerability and trust, 2 things not greatly esteemed in a capitalistic, patriarchal, self-driven society, but when you are able to breathe in your relationships, it will make all the difference in the world. And you will be able to begin to experience love as it was intended – beautiful, comfortable, peaceful, authentic, and true. When you can be yourself, you don’t have to worry about keeping up a façade or remembering who you were pretending to be. It is a freeing feeling to be yourself, and it’s even better to be loved for who you are. Despite who has rejected you before, there is someone who will be able to see the beauty that is uniquely you. Of course, it helps if you find that love and acceptance for yourself first and allow God to love you that way as well. This will make it easier for others to follow suit. J
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