Day 118 - Advice

“Never idealize others.  They will never live up to your expectations.  Don’t over-analyse your relationships.  Stop playing games.  A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.”  -Leo F. Buscaglia

This quotation speaks volumes to what relationships ought to be: 

Never idealize others.  They will never live up to your expectations – when we see others as more than they are, we can come to worship them and hold them in higher regard than even ourselves.  When we idolize others, we make them central to our lives, and we expect them to be God or a savior, and they can only be themselves.  They were not created just to fulfill our needs, so in the course of them living out their own lives, they will automatically disappoint us and create resentment and pain that they may not even know about.  I have lived with much silent pain, expecting people to be things to me and heal wounds that I never talked about and that they had no power to anything about.

Don’t over-analyse your relationships – I know I’ve been guilty of this too.  I like to have an idea where things are going before I get too involved, because I want to know if it’s “safe” to fully invest myself.  Because of the disappointment I’ve experienced, it’s easy to go into protective mode and read every word, sign, action, and detail as something that it’s not.  This doesn’t mean not to pay attention to anything, but it does mean that sometimes you have to just take a deep breath and enjoy the ride.  Not every relationship is meant to last forever, but if we allow them to, they can be good experiences that bring healing and joy to our lives, even if they end at some point.

Stop playing games – this one almost speaks for itself.  The head games, the tests, the manipulation – none of it does anyone any good.  If you have to make someone prove that they care about you, then you’re either terribly insecure or they’ve shown you that they don’t care but you refuse to let go and allow better for yourself.  Either way, games should be limited to cards and TV shows.  Life plays enough tricks on us already – don’t add to the mess.

A growing relationship is nurtured by genuineness – when 2 people are able to be truly genuine and open with one another, the fear and the anxiety that typically comes with relationship has no room to grow.  If I’m not afraid to share myself and my feelings, then I will let myself grow and be challenged, and I allow the same for the other person.  In doing so, we grow stronger and better together. 

Day 117 - Princess Part 2

I have struggled with the traditional concept of femininity my entire life for various reasons, the main one being that it was always portrayed as weak, and since I’d felt weak and victimized more than I cared to, I ran from being “feminine.”  Yet, as I have grown, I have seen that the way the media tends to portray the traditional, “accepted” femininity is a box of stereotypes decided on (primarily by men) and enforced via supposed norms. 

In this society, gender is a major concern even from conception.  Before the child takes it first breath outside of the womb, people are considered about whether a male or female is being born, because they need to know what colors to buy the child.  It’s as if clothing color or the choice of toys will make a child more masculine or feminine out of the womb.  A 3-month-old doesn’t know the difference between pink, blue, green, or fuchsia, but the society is beginning as early as possible to socialize girls to be girls and boys to be boys according to the established norms.  The concern, of course, is in the mind of adults who want children to grow up in the traditional way (and preferably as heterosexual individuals). 

As I meet new people and see people who don’t fit the traditional female mold, my mind is opened to the fact that femininity is not heels, make-up, and giggling.  What makes something feminine is the fact that it’s done by a female or is considered feminine by whoever is doing it.  Being that I’m a fan of “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” I appreciate that the ‘lady boys’ have their own grasp and embrace of femininity.  Initially, I felt some type of way, because they appeared to be more feminine than I am, but I began to realize that they are embracing themselves as I am embracing myself.  They have encouraged me to look at beauty, femininity, and acceptance of others in new ways. 

There’s nothing wrong with traditional femininity, but when that is the standard and women feel that they have to fit within that mold, which kills authenticity and self-love.  I tried to run from femininity, and then I tried to embody it, neither of which worked because neither of those extremes were really me.  I will rock my 4.5” pumps and a fabulous skirt, but I’m just as comfortable in a fitted cap or huge baggy sweatpants (the kind I could fit 2 of myself in). 

On the other side, masculinity has been similarly skewed.  Anything less than a macho, thick-skinned, sports-loving, muscular, aggressive, sex-crazed beast is not a real man.  Any male who is in any way sensitive or acts outside the “norm” can be called any number of painful names.  The same is true for women who do.  Most of the terms have to do with homosexual stereotypes, because that can be seen as the most non-masculine or non-feminine thing to be.  Meant to be insults, these terms can hurt people no matter what their sexual orientation may be. 

I, for one, say that learning to love yourself is easier when you can get beyond the boxes that society tries to place us in and live in ways authentic to who you are.  If you’re biologically male but you want to be a princess or you just like glitter, I say have at it.  If you’re biologically female, but you despise high heels or you’d rather wear coveralls than a dress, do what makes you happy.  Never let anyone else’s hang-ups define you.

Day 116 - Princess

I was hanging out with a friend yesterday, and she asked how I felt about the trend she’d seen among women of what she called Disney Princess worship.  Then she read something to me to that really made me think:

Why was Snow White given a poisoned apple?  To show us that not everyone is gonna be kind and not everyone is really who they say they are.

Why did Cinderella run away at midnight?  To remind us that everything does have its limitations, even dreams.

Why did Ariel exchange her fins for feet?  To show us that people are willing to give up anything to be with who they love just to be happy.

Why did Aurora sleep for 100 years?  To tell us that you might have to wait for quite some time for your true love to come along, sometimes very long, but it’s worth it.

Why did Princess Jasmine fall for Aladdin?  To let us know that what the heart wants, it wants no matter what.

Why was Belle in love with a Beast?  To remind us that you can’t really help what’s on the outside, but if the inside is beautiful, then nothing will stand in the way of your love.

After all, inside every confident woman is A FRAGILE PRINCESS waiting to be saved.

(http://weheartit.com/entry/8421679)

As a little girl, I grew up being told about “happily ever after” with the prince and princess, but I quickly encountered reality where even Duke William and Duchess Kate do not enjoy the fairy tale perks that we typically associate with royalty.  So I appreciate that people like an ideal, but I also know that those ideas speak more to who people would like to be than who they actually are, and thus, the above “lessons” from familiar Disney tales reflect some interesting “realities.”  I will agree with the ones about Snow White and Jasmine, and the ones about Cinderella and Belle to a degree.  With Cinderella, it’s true that everything may have some kind of limitation, but we don’t have to live within those limits.  With Belle, some people let the outside get in the way.  And there can be some internal things (like the Beast’s attitude) that need healing before love can take place (although love can be a healing agent as well). 

But as for the others, I take great issue with the interpretation of their life lessons.  Ariel gave up her fins in order to explore a new world and get in touch with a part of the world that she’d only had artifacts from.  She happened to find love in the process, but being human was something she desired long before Eric came along.  And it’s not as if she gave up the sea and her family.  She just chose to live with her husband.  I do agree with compromise in love, but I don’t think that giving up what is essential to self is a healthy display of love.  As for Aurora, she didn’t sleep waiting for her love; she slept because she was under a spell.  The fact that it took 100 years to break it had nothing to do with her – she was asleep.  She wouldn’t know 10 minutes from 100 years.

And that last statement - after all, inside every confident woman is a fragile princess waiting to be saved – struck a chord in me that goes against much of what I will allow myself to believe.  To me, that says no matter who a woman is and no matter her level of confidence and strength, inside she’s still just a damsel in distress who needs to be rescued by her Prince Charming and taken care of, because she’s unable to do it herself.  You mean to tell me that every woman on earth needs a man?  That every woman on earth is just waiting for someone to sweep her off her feet and care for her?  Now, maybe it was my upbringing that made me into an independent sort, maybe it’s my womanist (and even at times feminist) tendencies, maybe it’s the fact that I have had some trust issues that make it hard for me to rely heavily on other people to “take care” of me… whatever the case may be, I have to resist the idea that all women are just waiting to be rescued, especially they are “fragile.”  There’s nothing fragile about things like childbirth or female intuition, but for some reason, the idea has been perpetuated and portrayed that women are the “weaker” sex, in need of men to protect and take care of us. 

The princesses I like are those in “Shrek the Third” who stepped outside the box of frilly damsels in distress.  Cameron Diaz, who does the voice of Fiona, had this to say about the role of the princesses in the film: “That's what these fairy tales are for, to recognize what the values are and how society is constructed at the period of time those stories are being told. And current-day storytelling obviously is that. It's telling what currently we are as a society, how we perceive ourselves. I love that it's commenting on where we're at right now as women. It's also holding it up to our past. It's turning that on its ear but having fun with it, allowing them to grow into the women we are today. Taking them with us. Rather than saying, ‘You're completely wrong,’ it's saying ‘Here's the ability to change.’ At the same time, it's not just a message for princesses. It's a message for everyone, because we all need to know that you can't sit around and wait for someone to come make it happen for you. You have to be proactive in your own life.”  (http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/2007-05-09-2684052854_x.htm)

So am I a princess?  To a degree.  I’m a princess to the degree that I know that I’m beautiful and I expect people to treat me with a level of respect and decency.  At the same time, I have to see myself in the proper light in order for that to happen.  If I see myself as a damsel in distress, I will attract people who want to save/rescue me as opposed to those who want to walk with and love me as I am.  Do I like being spoiled?  Sure.  But it’s not something that I expect, because I know that I can handle mine, but for me, that’s part of being a princess.  And really, I see myself as a queen.  J  Check your stereotypes and expectations….  Tomorrow, I will take this a step further.

Day 115 - These are the Times

I kinda love this song.  I also kinda miss Dru Hill as a group, but I digress.  The beauty of this song for me is really in the chorus.  "These are the times we all wish for - the moment when less means so much more.  We don't have to do a thing at all; we can take our time and talk. And this is the way things need to be - no pressure from you and none from me. Just let the mood set the moment off.  We can make love or not at all."  For me, this is phenomenal, because it speaks to the fact that love is not always about sex.  It's about conversation and respect and shared presence.  And if physical intimacy comes as a result, then it does, but it doesn't have to.  This, in my mind, is the sign of a mature, loving relationship. 
"God knows that you're a sexy thang. It's taking everything in me not to kiss you over, under, feel your inside feel my thunder - how the hell could I not want you?  Girl it don't have to be a thang.  I'll wait for you, you wait for me, cuz true love's insisting we don't have to rush at all." This verse in the song leads me to believe that the couple may not have physically consummated their relationship, and the singer strongly desires to... but as he says, true love is in no hurry.  Maybe his partner isn't ready or maybe they have some distance between them.  Either way, despite his desire, he shows us that love is respectful enough not to rush and put his needs ahead of his partner's. 
"Be thinking bout you all the time - morning, noon, and supper time. Tear you up in little pieces, swallow you like reeses pieces, come on, girl, you know I need it.  I know it ain't suppose to be a thing.  I know I'll wait for you, you wait for me, and I know cuz true love's insisting we don't have to rush at at all."  Even in his moments of impatience and desire, even in thinking about the things that they could do, he keeps in mind that true love will not rush the beauty of the moment.  
"I don't make promises, cuz I know my heart gets weak. When I get around you, girl, it makes them hard to keep, cuz you bring out the best, make me the man God knows I'm proud to be."  I respect his honesty in desiring not to make promises that he may not be able to keep.  And I appreciate that his relationship brings out the best in him and makes him more of the man that God created him to be.  In my mind, any good relationship should do this, especially for the people who are closest to us.  Our relationships should challenge and push us to be better, stronger, more authentic, more compassionate, more loving, etc. 
So kudos to Dru Hill for a great song.  Remember, love isn't impatient and it will lead the way for the perfect moment for anything.  And if a relationship isn't helping to make you better, then it may need to be reconsidered. 

Day 114 - Need

I have been pondering what to write about for today, and none of the songs I listened to were really getting it.  Then I had a conversation with a friend, and it became clear what I should talk about.  We were talking about some things I’ve been processing and where my mind was, and she said, “When you enter a relationship from a place of need, it’s easy for it to become dysfunctional real quick.”  I heard that and it stuck with me through the rest of the conversation. 

Now, we all have a basic need for love, just like we need air, water, food, and shelter.  Without love, we would internally shrivel and die just like our organs would without water.  The problem becomes when the need is a lack and hole that needs to be filled.  If how I act is directed at gaining love/acceptance as opposed to me just living life in my skin and giving/receiving love as it comes, there is a problem.  Now, I do believe that every relationship fills some type of need (whether we recognize it or not), but if we live our life in relationship for the sake of getting our needs met, we will always end up disappointed.  This is especially true if we expect anyone person to fulfill us, even if it is a spouse. 

When I relate from a place of need and brokenness, I leave myself open to be taken advantage of, because I may settle for anything in the name of receiving love and affection.  And even when the person genuinely loves me, they are unable to be the fulfillment of a hole left by someone else.  For instance, I realized that a lot of my need for love and affirmation came from my lack thereof as a child.  But if I were to expect a partner to give that to me, I would be expecting that person to do things that they are unable to do.  I need to have my own basis of affirmation within myself so that anything that a future partner brings will simply add to what is already there.  So I won’t look to that person to fulfill something that I’m lacking, which means I won’t be dependent on that person, putting undo pressure on them or the relationship.  That person cannot be God and cannot heal past issues. 

So think about what you feel you need and take some time to think about why.  Know that feeling a need is okay but knowing where the need comes from is better. 

Day 113 - Proud to be an American?

So, as the announcement came last night about Osama bin Laden, enemy of the US and #1 terrorist in the world, being killed, there seems to be a sense of American pride swelling in ways that haven't been seen for some since Obama was elected and inaugurated, but for many, it hasn't been seen since the unity found after the 9-11 terrorist attacks.  This has been hailed as "the most significant achievement to date in our nation’s effort to defeat al Qaeda" - a victory for America and freedom and the like.  It seems that we've once again proven to the world that when you mess with America, we will get you, even if it takes 10 years, 3 wars, and our own economy.
Admittedly, whenever I hear the above song, I cry.  I can't tell you why, because I don't consider myself patriotic.  I don't feel anything when I hear the Star-Spangled Banner, but for some reason, this song touches me.  I heard it this morning on the radio after a DJ played a soundbite from Obama's speech and made his own comments on the events.  Yet, as I wiped the usual tears, I felt sadness.  I think that as I listened to the song and thought about people celebrating a man's death, I realized a few things about my country and myself.

• Obama said something that struck me in his speech: "The cause of securing our country is not complete.  But tonight, we are once again reminded that America can do whatever we set our mind to.  That is the story of our history, whether it’s the pursuit of prosperity for our people, or the struggle for equality for all our citizens; our commitment to stand up for our values abroad, and our sacrifices to make the world a safer place."  As I think about the Hell that Obama has caught because of his race even though he achieved the status of president, as I think about some of my dearest friends who would have to go to a different state to get married, as I think about hate crimes that happen everyday (whether perpetrated by others or self-inflicted), as I think about the fact that when I was giving blood one of the questions on the health portion was if I'd had sex with a man who'd ever had sex with another man (because all gay men have AIDS), as I think about the number of people below the poverty line in America... I have to wonder.  We stand up for values abroad but how many of our own citizens can't get the same freedoms that we fight to give others around the world? 
• Is war always the answer?  Has violence become the acceptable way of handling things, especially since "we don't negotiate with terrorists"?  Are we so brainwashed by the rhetoric of "freedom" that we can celebrate the death of a person, no matter who that person is?  Is human life not valued even in forms that we don't agree with?  No, I don't agree with what Osama did, and if he is indeed responsible for 9-11, then I want him to be brought to justice like any other criminal, but I can never celebrate anyone's death.  He was still a human being.  Someone brought out the fact that people in Osama's camp danced as Americans died on 9-11, so it's interesting to me that Americans would have the same reaction to his death, especially if we are supposed to be so much more moral and "Christian" than those enemies.
• Am I unAmerican?  How is being American defined?  As Obama ended his speech, he said, "Let us remember that we can do these things not just because of wealth or power, but because of who we are: one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."  While I'd love to agree with Obama, I think it is more the wealth and power that tend to define America than the God-loving, united, free, diverse people that the pledge of allegiance describes us as.  In typical perception, American tends to mean rich, white, straight, Christian, capitalistic, and male, and in most of those respects, I am not American.  

Do I love this country?  I can't say that I do.  But I do love people, and I want people to love each other.  This means not celebrating that someone has died.  That means listening to the history and the issues of people before taking one side or the other when people in a country rebel or when there are "terrorist" attacks.  We often forget that one person's terrorist is someone else's freedom fighter.  This doesn't mean that every cause is valid (the KKK for example), but it does mean that war/violence shouldn't be the first response to everything.  If we took the time to talk to and respect and care for each other as the American rhetoric talked about, then we wouldn't have wars or people attacking us "because of our freedoms," especially when we are probably overstepping our bounds in many of the places where people are burning our flag.

Day 112 - Slave

So, I was watching "I Love Lucy" with 2 of my sista friends, and it was the episode where the famiy returned home from Hollywood after Ricky made the movie.  People were going crazy for him, treating him like a celebrity.  A woman came for a magazine to interview Lucy, but the lady was only interested in Lucy "as she reflected him," asking about when she met him and essentially negating her life before him.  Lucy was offended, thinking that they should be interested in her as well.  The interviewer said that she must not understand how important Ricky was to the 160 million people in the country, 1/2 of whom are women who would love to be in her shoes.  She went on to say that, because of this, Lucy needed to make sure that his every need was met and that she should to see to his every whim. 
My friends and I clearly had objections as Lucy ate it all up and most of the remainder of the episode acting like his servant and slave.  We discussed the fact that it's important for partners to support and love each other, making sure that each takes care of the other, but there is no way that there will be servitude in any of our relationships.  She was going above and beyond out of fear and insecurity, trying to make sure that she kept her man happy lest some other woman catch his eye, especially with his new status of celebrity, and this is problematic too.  It's one thing to genuinely care for someone and want to make sure that their needs are met or that you cook for them, etc., but when it's done to make him/her stay, this is manipulation.
Ricky actually got sick of it, because she was treating him more like a boss and celebrity than her husband, and he wanted that relationship.  I appreciate this about him, because it shows that he actually cares for her and he doesn't just think that marriage is a way to get his needs met.  He decides to take his demands to the extreme so that she will get sick of it and go back to treating him like normal. 
In a romantic relationship, it is important that there is a sense of reciprocity and mutuality.  No one person is alive simply to meet the needs of another.  If the scales are unbalanced, then a relationship needs to be evaluated.  Now, people may not give equally in the same way, but as long as there is balance, that is a healthy sign.  If I always wash the dishes but my partner always takes out the trash, that can be a good balance as long as both people are comfortable with that.  The problem in such cases tends to be the outside influences that question a couple's way of doing things, and this can cause undo stress as it did in the case of Lucy and Ricky.  So be secure in your relationship and make sure that there is balance.  Take care of each other, and don't be anyone's slave or let anyone be yours.